<------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour Presents------>
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->
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the original home of PUREHUMOUR! In the unlikely event that you
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find the unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of every mailing!
Okay...so the figure skating issue is BIG news around the world...a
report out of Salt Lake City now has a French judge admitting that
he was "advised" by his superiors to give the Gold to the Russians
in exchange for some sort of payment that had been offered...wow
big surprise there! Are you as pissed as everyone else? You can
show your displeasure by signing an online petition...with enough
signatures...can WE make a difference? Please take a couple of
minutes to click the link below and sign it...then forward it to all
your friends!
<a href="http://www.petitiononline.com/phgold/petition.html">Click</a>
http://www.petitiononline.com/phgold/petition.html
Today's issue includes contributions by: SunAmy, Rubin, Stan, Di Ann,
Barbara, Wayne, Laura, Terri, Barb, John.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
Lets start with a quickie:
Morris complained to his doctor, "I've been to three other doctors
and none of them agreed with your diagnosis."
The doctor calmly replied, " Bullshit! Just wait until the autopsy,
then they'll see that I was right....."
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
What about the mess??
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------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Dear kind-hearted friends...
Now that the holiday season has passed, please look
into your heart to help those in need. Enron
executives in our very own country are living at, or
just below the seven-figure salary level... right here
in the land of plenty.
And, as if that weren't bad enough, they will be
deprived of it as a result of the bankruptcy and
current SEC investigation.
But now, you can help! For only $20,835 a month,
about $694.50 a day (that's less than the cost of a
large screen projection TV) you can help an Enron
executive remain economically viable during his time
of need.
This contribution by no means solves the problem, as
it barely covers their per diem... but it's a start!
Almost $700 may not seem like a lot of money to you,
but to an Enron exec it could mean the difference
between a vacation spent in DC, golfing in Florida or
a Mediterranean cruise. For you, seven hundred dollars
is nothing more than rent, a car note or mortgage
payments. But to an Enron exec $700 will almost
replace his per diem.
Your commitment of less than $700 a day will enable
an Enron exec to buy that home entertainment center,
trade in the year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or
enjoy a weekend in Rio.
HOW WILL I KNOW I'M HELPING? Each month, you will
receive a complete financial report on the exec you
sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks,
bonds, 401(k), real estate, and other investment
holdings will be mailed to your home. You'll also get
information on how he plans to invest his golden
parachute.
Imagine the joy as you watch your executive's
portfolio double or triple! Plus upon signing up for
this program, you will receive a photo of the exec
(unsigned- for a signed photo, please include an
additional $50.00). Put the photo on your
refrigerator to remind you of other peoples'
suffering.
HOW WILL HE KNOW I'M HELPING?
Your Enron exec will be told that he has a SPECIAL
FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need.
Although the exec won't know your name, he will be
able to make collect calls to your home via a special
operator just in case additional funds are needed for
unexpected expenses.
YES, I WANT TO HELP!
I would like to sponsor an Enron executive. My
preference is checked below:
[ ] Mid-level Manager
[ ] Director
[ ] Vice President (Higher cost; please specify
which department)
[ ] President (Even higher cost; please specify
> which department)
[ ] CEO (Contribution: Average Enron janitor
monthly salary x 700)
[ ] Entire Company
[ ] I'll sponsor an Exec most in need. Please
select one for me.
SPECIAL LIMITED TIME OFFER
Already an Enron supporter? Don't worry, in this
troubled economy, there are many executives who need
your help. Ford today is laying off 35,000. The
NASDAQ is deflated. Now you can show your patriotism
and do something about it. The Invisible Hand will
allow supporters to substitute executives from any
downtrodden company listed on ****edcompany.com. You
will never own a Bentley, wear hand-tailored silk
shirts, or have a gentleman's gentleman; why deprive a
worthy executive from ascending, and more importantly,
from maintaining the lifestyle he so richly deserves?
(pun not intended) Imagine the feeling of
satisfaction, the pure joy of knowing that your
sponsor ex-executive at the former spiltmilk.com will
be able to have his caviar and eat it too.
*It's just that easy - do it now!*
Please charge the account listed below ___________
per day and send me a picture of the Enron executive I
have sponsored, along with my very own Enron "Keep
America Strong Sponsor an Enron
Exec: Ask Me How!" t-shirt to wear proudly.
Your Name: _______________________
Telephone Number:_______________________
Account Number: _______________________
Exp. Date:_______[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ]
American Express [ ]Discover
Signature: _______________________
Mail completed form to "The Invisible Hand" or call
1-900-2MUCH now to enroll by phone. Note: Sponsors
are not permitted to contact the executive they have
sponsored, either in person or by other means
including, but not limited to, telephone calls,
letters, e-mail, or third parties.
Keep in mind that the executive you have sponsored
will be much too busy enjoying his free time, thanks
to your generous donations.
Contributions are not tax-deductible.
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Morris wins the ten million dollar lottery and is being interviewed.
He is asked what he is going to do with all the money.
"Oy, I guess the first thing I'll do is go and pay a few bills."
"And what about the rest?" the reporter asks.
Morris shrugs. "So well, I guess they'll just have to wait"
----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL--------------------
To TV or NOT to TV...that is the question!
Check it out:
<a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/">Poll</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/
-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------
"The lure of the distant and the difficult is deceptive.
The great opportunity is where you are."
-John Burroughs
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Party Games 2...
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Just can't win...
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Headlines? <actual headlines from newspapers!>
TEENS STINKY FEET CAUSE BRAIN DAMAGE
AUTHORITIES RAID CLINIC USING SUPERGLUE TO TREAT PIMPLES
UNICORNS DO EXIST AND I'VE GOT THE HORN IN MY BUTT TO PROVE IT!
BURGER KING TO BRING BACK POKEMON WITHOUT TOY BALLS?
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Taliban Spice Girls
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Chinese SUV
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
I guess we've all seen Air Force pilots look up just
before taxi for takeoff and look at their fist to see
if their thumb is sticking straight up.
The crew chief on the ground then agrees and confirms
that it is there, salutes and the Air Force pilot then
takes off. Not until I talked to an Air Force flight
surgeon did I ever know the true reason for this time
tested tradition. This is the last link in the Air
Force safety net to confirm just prior to takeoff that
the pilot does not have both thumbs up his ass.
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
You MAY be a nurse if....
... You avoid unhealthy looking peoples in the mall for
fear that they'll drop near you and you'll have to do
CPR on your day off.
... It doesn't bother you to eat a candy bar with one
hand while performing digital stimulation on your
patient with the other hand.
... You've had a patient with a nose ring, a brow ring
and twelve earrings say, "I'm afraid of shots."
... You've ever bet on someone's blood alcohol level.
... You plan your next meal while performing gastric
lavage.
... You believe every waiting room should have a Valium
salt lick.
... You have your weekends off planned a year in
advance.
... You have ever had a patient control his seizures
when offered food.
... You know it's a full moon without having to look at
the sky.
--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------
A Lesbian is nothing more than a mannish depressive with
delusions of gender.
-------------------------DEAR AGGIE--------------------------------
Dear Aggie:
You nut, unless i miss my guess SG1 (Stargate 1) is not connected to Star
Trek... I know this and I don't care for either show... Geez
Rainman
]~[
Dear rainman....
I know SG1 and star trek are not connected. I also know that people who have a
fixation on either show generally live in their parent's semi-finished
basement,
subsisting on Cheeto's and Mt. Dew, except when the parking lot tips are good,
and they can splurge on Domino's pizza. So, as I said to the other poor soul,
GET A LIFE. Or throw toothpicks on the floor and instantly calculate their
amount.Also, Wapner will be on soon !
Aggie
NEW...check out Aggie's Webpage at:
<a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/">Dear
Aggie</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Well blow me over...
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">Click Here </a>
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A pumpkin moon..
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">Click Here </a>
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A Classic!
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked
her class, Which human body part increases to 10
times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry,
and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a
question like that! I'm going to tell my parents,
and they will go and tell the principal, who will
then fire you!" With a sneer on her face, she then
sat back down.
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again,
"Which body part increases to 10 times its size when
stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to
those around her, Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to
the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously,
and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its
size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned
to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I
have three things to say:
(1) you have a dirty mind,
(2) you didn't read your homework, and
(3) one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------
A lonely guy sees a beautiful gal sitting alone at the bar. He
approaches her and says, "Hey, Baby! You must be from Jamaica because
Jamaican me horny!" She turns, takes one look at him, and answers,
"You
must be from the Yukon because Yukon go screw yourself!"
------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------
Flower Child
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I Dare you
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http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-37&R=2-10-1
---------------------GUS SHULTZ DIARY------------------------
Okay another week has passed since the last one and now the Olimpics are on
tv and it is very very exiting to watch. I especially like to watch the
girls skating becauze they get real cold and there things stick out good.
You will never guess in a million years who I saw. I saw the one and only
Richard Simmons at the Mall where he was promoting his crap and he took my
Aunt out of the audience and hugged her really good. I think he hugged her
mainly becauze she yelled out hey Richard give me a hug and also becauze
she is really fat and Richard Simmons loves fat women. I guess if there were
no fat women he would not be rich and famous and wearing those shorts all
the time. That is the second big celebrity I have seen this month becauze
two weeks ago I Robert Downey Jr. in an alleyway downtown and I think he was
throwing up good. He was really nice to talk to when he wasn't throwing up.
I got his autograph which was awesome even though it smells kind of gross.
That is all that has happened this week and I will be back next week unless
I lose my diary again.
Gus Shultz was born in New York City in 1958. He has been
writing columns since hitting puberty in 1976. More columns
by Gus at:http://www.gravetimes.com
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Once upon a time, long, long ago there was a Presidential election that
was too close to call. Neither the Republican presidential candidate nor
the Democratic presidential candidate had enough votes to win the
election. Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing
contest between the two candidates to determine the final winner.
There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but
a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the (manly) way to settle things.
The candidate that catches the most fish at the end of the week wins.
After a lot of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the
contest would take place on a remote and cold lake in Wisconsin. There
were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately
on this remote lake and return daily with their catch for counting and
verification.
At the end of the first day, George W. returns to the starting line, and
he has 10 fish. Soon, Al Gore returns and has zero fish. Well, everyone
assumes he is just having another bad hair day or something and hopefully
will catch up the next day.
At the end of the 2nd day George W. comes in with 20 fish and Al Gore
comes in again with none. That evening, Bill Clinton gets together
secretly with Al and says, "Al, I think George W. is a low-life cheatin'
son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with
fishing. Just spy on him and see if he is cheating in any way."
The next night (after George W. comes back with 50 fish), Bill Clinton
says to Al, "Well, what about it; is George W. cheatin'?"
"He sure is, Bill, he's cutting holes in the ice."
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A crumbling old church building needed
remodeling, so, during his sermon, the
preacher made an impassioned appeal
looking directly at the richest man in
town.
At the end of the sermon, the rich man
stood up and announced, "Pastor, I will
contribute $1000."
Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling
and struck the rich man on the shoulder.
He promptly stood back up and shouted,
"Pastor, I will increase my donation to
$5000."
Before he could sit back down, plaster
fell on him again, and this time he
virtually screamed, "Pastor, I will
double my last pledge."
He sat down, and a larger chunk of plaster
fell on his head.
He stood up once more and hollered, "Pastor,
I will give $20,000!"
This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him
again, Lord! Hit him again!"
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Hand over fist ...
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-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------
Politicians want the Thai version of The Weakest
Link toned down after complaints it's too
aggressive.
Thai Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra says he felt
stressed watching the show.
Producers say the host's scathing comments teach
contestants how to handle pressure under realistic
conditions.
The Thai version of the BBC quiz show, called
Kamchad Jud Orn, is produced by Channel 3. It has been
on air for less than a week, The Nation reports.
Mr Shinawatra said: "I felt rather stressed out after
watching the show, but I don't know if there is any
law that could ban the show from television."
He told the newspaper he was unable to explain his
feelings after seeing a teacher crying and begging her
students to go easy on her after being voted off the
show that's presented by Krittija Kongsompong.
Producer Suphon Vichienchai said: "Overseas, this game
show uses far more aggressive and direct talk. If we
switched it around and made the entire show lighter
and more humorous, we would be just as well off
creating our own show instead of buying one."
The presenter of the Hong Kong version of The Weakest
Link has already agreed to tone down her comments.
Carol 'Dodo' Cheng says her new style is "sarcasm
with a smile."
Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:news@paulsfunhouse.com
">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" mailto:weirdnewsweekly-subscribe@topica.com
">WNW</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
One day at the rest home, an old man and woman are talking.
Out of nowhere the woman says, "I can guess your age."
The man doesn't believe her, but tells her to go ahead and try.
"Pull down your pants," she says.
He doesn't understand but does it anyway. She inspects his
rear end for a few minutes and then says, "You're 84 years old."
"That's amazing," the man says. "How did you know?"
"You told me yesterday
-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------
[||||] Y ' A L L S T I N K -- North Carolina filmmaker Gary
Hawkins says Hollywood actors including Tom Hanks in "Forest Gump"
and
Kathy Bates in "Fried Green Tomatoes" do an abysmal job trying to
capture the subtle nuances of a genuine, hillbilly bred, redneck
southern accent. (USA Today)
One big problem might be that most Hollywood actors still
have their full complement of teeth.
Copyright 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A salesman, who getting ready for his next trip, asks his wife to
include a condom in his suitcase. His wife instantly asks why?
He replies, "Just a reminder if I want to try something different."
She grabs a bar of soap, drops it into one of his socks, swings it
in the air, and WHAM !! swings it up between his balls... After much
pain, and gathering his composure, he asks, "Why the hell did you do
that?"
She replies, "Just a reminder if you want to try something
different."
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--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
What you eat...
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party.
"What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked.
"Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied
the lawyer. "What do you do?"
The minister replied "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an
example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of
liars,' but instead I said 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I
let it go."
---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
A young Jewish boy runs into the livingroom and says to his father,
"Pop! I need twenty bucks, fast!"
To which his father replies, "Fifteen bucks! Whaddya need ten bucks
for?"
--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------
Who's Going to Hell This Week?
by Helen A. Handbasket
February 11, 2002
10. Concession stand owners at the Olympics are now major beneficiaries of 9/11
as U.S. security forces prevent anyone from entering the games with snack
foods.
9. "I had absolutely nothing to do with the Patriots winning the
Superbowl!" claimed Jesus Christ on a diplomatic tour through the 19th
level of hell. "And it had nothing to do with the war on terrorism,
either. Tell those jerks to stop thanking me," he said before issuing a
formal complaint concerning the condition of the local spit.
8. To the utter shock of everyone who thought she was already dead, Princess
Margaret died this week, finally joining Princess Di on the croquet courts of
the 3rd level of hell.
7. Speaking of the 3rd level of hell, Cardinal Richelieu had to be moved from
the 3rd to the 4th level of hell where there's cable but no broadcast. He was
starting to enjoy "Fear Factor" just a bit too much, and now he's
suffering nicely through "E! Celebrity Profiles."
6. Why was a replica of the Ark of the Covenant returned to Ethiopia after it
was stolen by British troops 400 years ago? How else could they get Harrison
Ford to sign up for the fourth Indiana Jones flick?
5. Cambodia is so happy that Bush didn't include them in his "Axis of
Evil" that they're throwing a big party for former Khmer Rouge leaders.
Score one lap dance for Pol Pot.
4. Madonna's singing a song in the new James Bond picture. Who's going to hell?
Everyone who sees the movie.
3. Why do clones die young? What else explains Kelly Clark winning the gold in
the halfpipe?
2. And the number one person going to hell this week?
1. Everyone who hasn't read "A Valentine Carol," available for free
at http://home.earthlink.net/~dare2b/avcs1.htm.
Personal to Nicole Kidman: No, I'll do YOU first.
Personal to Chastity Bono: A threesome sounds good.
ARITHMETIC FROM HELL
500 Enron executives times their bonuses paid weeks before 500 other Enron
employees lost their jobs times what's left in their retirement accounts
divided by the 5th amendment equals the amount of time Ken Lay will spend in
prison divided by every GWB presidential pardon times everyone who voted for
Bush minus everyone who voted for Gore.
PROPOSAL FROM HELL
(Satan's campaign promise #47)
If elected, I promise to bring religion back into schools as a mandatory
elementary school course. The textbook will be called "Religions of the
World" and that is what the children will learn.
Children will be taught that there is a religion called Christianity. They will
learn the history of the faith, what Christians believe, and how many people
currently practice it. Just the facts.
They will be taught that there is a religion called Judaism. They will learn
the history of the faith, what Jews believe, and how many people currently
practice it. Just the facts.
They will be taught about Hindus, Muslims, Buddhists, Catholics, Protestants,
Satanists, and all the other religions of the world, their history, what they
believe, and how many people currently practice them.
The reason there is a separation of church and state is so that the state
cannot force a religious belief upon the population, not so that all mention of
the concept of religion be banned from public schools. Religion is an
absolutely essential part of history that needs to be part of the school
curriculum, right up there with reading, writing, and arithmetic.
Let children learn that the faith of their parents, the faith they have been
raised to believe, is but one of many faiths on this earth, and that faiths do
not necessarily have to be inherited. They can be chosen. Let Christians learn
about Islam. Let Buddhists learn about the Pope.
Let children PRACTICE their faiths elsewhere. Schools are institutions of
learning, not of prayer. The goal is not to proselytize but to educate. In the
interest of tolerance and free speech, let us teach our children the facts
about the many amazing belief systems of the planet earth. Let them make up
their own minds about what to believe. That's why they have minds in the first
place.
QUIZ FROM HELL
What are you,
a) nuts?
b) crazy?
c) out of your mind?
d) a Republican?
e) a Democrat?
EASIEST RE-WRITE FROM HELL
"Nearly two weeks after President Bush lumped Iran into an 'axis of evil,'
the Middle Eastern country's reformist president Saturday urged Iranians to
turn out in force for an upcoming anti-U.S. demonstration.
- CNN Headline News -
"Nearly two weeks after President Seyed Mohammad Khatami lumped the United
States into a 'monarchy of evil,' the North American country's un-elected
president Saturday urged Americans to turn out in force for an upcoming
pro-U.S. demonstration in Salt Lake City."
BANK RULES FROM HELL
Bank of America has changed its "Depositor's Agreement" so that page
2, paragraph 5 now reads that if the bank mistakenly gives your money to
someone else, you won't hold the bank liable.
LEGISLATION FROM HELL
As of March 19, 2002, the DEA has decided that all hemp products will be
treated as illegal drugs, including energy bars, pretzels, and veggie burgers
which contain such tiny amounts of THC that for 30 years the federal government
has treated them as being perfectly legal. No longer. Eat a candy bar, go to
jail. Shampoo and clothing is next. Fight the bastards. Go here. http://www.savehemp.org/index2.html
HEALTHCARE FROM HELL
Thirty-two students in central China are now infected with hepatitis because
the doctors in a local clinic, short on needles, used the same needle to
immunize all the students at an elementary school in Shibiwan Village. (And
they've got the bomb)
QUOTES FROM HELL
"What better way is there to show that he's not drinking than to have him
choke on a pretzel, because that's how millions of Americans DON'T choke on
pretzels, they wash it down with a beer."
- Harry Shearer -
"The White House again refused to turn over discussions Vice President
Cheney had with Enron officials over energy policy. Cheney said if he had to
disclose every time some business donated a ton of money then came in to write
its own policy to govern itself, he wouldn't get any work done."
- Dennis Miller -
"They blow themselves up in order to get at us, and we launch 3 million
dollar missiles off of giant floating iron islands 2000 miles away. Who are the
real cowards?"
- Bill Hicks -
"Think not lightly of evil, saying, 'It will not come to me.'
Drop by drop is the water pot filled.
Likewise, the fool, gathering it little by little,
fills himself with evil."
- Buddha -
COUNTRY SONG FROM HELL
Taking the Fifth
Everything I ever said and everything I did
Nobody who's anybody knows where they are hid
Everything I ever saw and everything I heard
Are hidden in a bank where all my money was transferred
Taking the fifth
Taking the fifth
No one can stop me
I'm taking the fifth
I don't have to tell you anything that you may ask
Go ahead and ask me, it's a reasonable task
Please don't be surprised when you don't get a single answer
It's just another day in the sweet life of a financer
Taking the fifth
Taking the fifth
No one can stop me
I'm taking the fifth
Nobody can catch me even though I'm pretty caught
I will get away with it, these hearings are for naught
Money buys you anything so what is there to say
I'm climbing in my private jet, just watch me fly away
Taking the fifth
Taking the fifth
No one can stop me
I'm taking the fifth
--
Why go to hell when hell can come to you?
Find out at http://mywebpage.netscape.com/gossipfromhell/