------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour Presents------
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->
Grab a seat and get ready to roar in laughter...you have reached
the original home of PUREHUMOUR! In the unlikely event that you
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find the unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of every mailing!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME....HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME...HAPPY
BIRTHDAY PUREHUMOUR...HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! Yes folks...
this is it...what a day...Purehumour turns three years old today...from
the humble beginnings three years ago...to this world class ezine
today...who knew? It is great to still be here and pumping these things
out each day to you! This year will be an exciting time as Purehumour
moves from the "free" list providers of YahooGroups or Topica to its
own home on the net. Soon you will see Purehumour arriving in your
mailbox from the home of "The Grand-Poohbah's" jokelists! At
that
time we will also be seeing the number of ezines grow in size...but that
is still a secret! In thanks to all of you....I offer you one of my
famous
"ad-free" special editions! Yes this issue of Purehumour
is totally ad-
free (except for any nasty ads that Topica includes!)...thanks for being
a part of Purehumour over the last three years...and please stick with
me for the next three! ;)
Well today I also had plans to make sure that everyone knew it was
Chinese New Year...so I wish you all a Happy "Year of the Horse!"...
I also wanted to bring your attention to the fact that it is "Pancake
Tuesday"...the day before Ash Wednesday is always Pancake
Tuesday in our house...something left over from my days with my
parents...and something my wife just can't understand!....BUT I am
NOT in a happy enough mood for that...so I thought I would vent here
instead...so folks...watch out here it comes...
<rant>
Salt Lake City, Utah...Monday February 11th 2002...Canada wins Gold
in Pairs Figure Skating...the crowd goes wild as Sale and Pelltier complete
their free skate with absolute perfection. Tears fall from their parents
eyes
because they know that their children have finally done it...they have
broken the Russian domination of pairs figure skating that has lasted over
42 years! But then the marks were posted and Canada didn't get the
Gold...they were ROBBED...they ended up with Silver instead! The
crowd is suddenly silenced...shocked by what they have just seen
occur. The commentators are stunned and can't think what to say!
A country is in shock! Even the Russian pair knew that they had been
beaten. The Canadians skated clean and perfect and with absolute
emotion in their skate...whereas the Russians fell and their skate
lacked the emotion! SOMEONE please explain HOW the Russians
could have beaten a team with everything on their side? What did
the judges see that we didn't...or was it more than that? The sport
of figure skating has seen it fair share of contraversy over the last
few years...the last Olympic Games were supposedly the end of
the terrible judging and "fixing" that was occuring...but last night
proved that much work is still required! To the Russian pair pair
who "won" the Gold...wear it with pride...you know you didn't deserve
it....Canada won in our hearts...someday the judges will wake up
and realize that too!
<end rant!>
Today's issue includes contributions by: SunAmy, Rubin, Douglas,
Stan, Keli, Barb, Di Ann, Marina, John.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
Lets start with a quickie:
Seems this elderly couple went to the clinic and asked to be tested for HIV.
When the counselor asked why they felt that they should be tested at their
age, the old man said, "Well, we heard on TV that people should be tested
after annual sex!"
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
A real BIG one!
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.416 ">A
real BIG
one!</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.416
New tradition.
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.417
">New
tradition.</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.417
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A man went to the doctor because he had a problem with his
penis dripping after had urinated.
The doctor said, "No problem, we can fix that for you. It is
really a simple procedure. We just graft a piece of skin from
your nose onto your penis and it will take care of the problem."
After the operation, the guy went to the washroom to see if
the operation worked. He peed, shook and waited. Suddenly a
small drip began to form and he thought to himself, it didn't
work! Then all of a sudden he heard sniffff and it was gone!
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
It was that time, during the Sunday morning service,
for the children's sermon. All the children were invited
to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly
pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over
and said, "That is a very pretty dress."
"Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on
microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL--------------------
Finally got it fixed...so what is your count?
Check it out:
<a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/">Poll</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/
-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------
You don't get to choose how you're going to die, or when. You can only
decide how you're going to live. Now.
-Joan Baez
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Don't Sleep with them...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.418
">Don't Sleep
with them...</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.418
A small one??
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.419 ">A
small
one??</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.419
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
The Top 10 Signs You're Not the Sexual Marvel You Once Were
10 These days, you get winded just turning down the blanket.
9 "Five times in one night" now means that your overactive
bladder syndrome is acting up again.
8 Bob Dole sends you an FTD "Sorry You're Flaccid" bouquet.
7 Then: "Where's Waldo?" played in bed with your pendulous babe;
Now: "Where's Waldo?" played in bathroom with your pendulous
stomach.
6 Your patented "Inverse Cowgirl" position now lands you in traction
for a week.
5 Then: She slipped gently into sleep after spending 30 minutes in a
post-orgasmic stupor.
Now: She says you're blocking her view of the TV.
4 It takes six Viagras just to play hard to get.
3 Your mother doesn't knock on the bathroom door and express her
concern nearly as often as she used to.
2 You can still make her eyes roll back in her head, but now it's out
of annoyance.
1 Your come-on line to a cute, 16-year-old high school student with
tight jeans and an exposed belly? "GET OFF MY LAWN!!!"
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Deer Hunting
<a href="http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-41&R=2-10-1">Click</a>
http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-41&R=2-10-1
Corporate America
<a href="http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-42&R=2-10-1">Click</a>
http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-42&R=2-10-1
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
James and Wendy were married for 50 years
and decided they wanted to renew their
vows and planned a second wedding.
They were discussing the details with
their friends. Wendy wasn't going to wear
a traditional bridal gown and she started
describing the dress she was planning to
wear. One of her friends asked what color
shoes she had to go with the dress. Wendy
replied, "Silver."
At that point, James chimed in, "Yep silver - to
match her hair."
Shooting a glaring look at James's bald spot,
Wendy's friend sweetly said, "So James, I guess
you are going barefoot."
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A man has been shipwrecked on a desert island for ten years. Then one
day he is down at the shoreline when he spots a ship on the horizon. He
frantically waves his arms and jumps up and down shouting, until he
spies a rowboat being let down into the water from the ship. About ten
minutes later the rowboat reaches the shore carrying a man in a
captain's uniform.
"Thank Christ for that!" says our shipwrecked hero, "I thought I
was never
going to be rescued."
"How long have you been here?" asks the Captain.
"Ten years, ten long years" replies the man.
"Ten years?" says the Captain "How have you coped all that time
on your
own?"
"Well, I'm quite a resourceful fellow, I've built my own house; there it
is, over there, Number 1!"
"But ten years!" says the Captain, "ten years without sex!"
"Ahhhh, well..... that's not quite true" says the man shyly.
"What do you mean?" inquires the Captain.
"Well, about six months ago I was down here on the shore washing my
feet, when I noticed an ostrich up the beach with it's head buried in
the sand and it's ass facing me. Well, I thought it's been nine and a
half years, so I crept up behind it and WALLOP!"
"Oh God, that must have been disgusting!" cries the genuinely shocked
Captain.
"Well, it was alright for the first five miles, but then we got out of
step."
--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------
Seen outside an open-fronted tailor's shop in Bombay.
"Ladies may have fits upstairs"
-------------------------DEAR AGGIE--------------------------------
Dear Aggie:
Yo babe, I just sawer the neatest movie and something unexpected happened.
I fell in love with one of the characters. No it was not the actor I fell
for but a fictional person he played. Now my question is how do you tell
your heart?
Alice again
]~[
Dear Alice in TVland....
You cant tell your heart. Try a reputable psychiatrist. Or maybe a heart
transplant.
Aggie
NEW...check out Aggie's Webpage at:
<a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/">Dear
Aggie</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Would you mind?
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.420
">Would you
mind?</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.420
Stupid boss...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1118
">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1118
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?"
The guy answers, "A scotch, please."
The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five
dollars."
To which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you
anything for this."
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to
the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer,
which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no
stipulation of remuneration."
The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat
me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."
The next day, same guy walks into the bar.
Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe
you've got the audacity to come back!"
The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this
place in my life!"
The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must
have a double."
To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."
--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------
In California, they occasionally have a problem with whales beaching
themselves. One scientist had a habit of bringing his dog to the beach
to bark at the whales in order to scare them offshore. One whale became
curious about this furry creature and would go back and forth in the
shallows playing with him which was a case of the whale tagging the dog.
------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------
Couch potato aerobics
<a href="http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-43&R=2-10-1">Click</a>
http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-43&R=2-10-1
Valet Parking
<a href="http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-44&R=2-10-1">Click</a>
http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-44&R=2-10-1
-------------------------A DOG'S WORLD------------------------
A Dog's World is a continuing story that will appear in each
Tuesday edition...miss a segment?...then check out the
archives at: http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj
"Hmmph! Typical pit bull mentality" said Prince, a poodle
who came from the next town over. "You're answer to
everything is to attack and kill."
"Hey, at least I get the job done, Princesssssss." Ralph
replied indignantly.
"Enough from the both of you!" Barked Sam. "We do need to
get in the basement but not by killing anyone."
"If the world is coming to an end I don't see the big deal
if we are doing it to save ourselves."Stated Ralph.
"What if we're wrong? Queried Sam. "If we are going to
survive we need to use our brains not our claws."
Copyright 2001-02 D. Scott
Check out more at: http://www.humorcorner.com
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
During a county-wide drive to round up all unlicensed dogs, a
patrolman signalled a car to pull over to the curb. When the
driver asked why he had been stopped, the officer pointed to
the big dog sitting on the seat beside him. "Does your dog
have a license?" he asked.
"Oh, no," the man said, "He doesn't need one. I always do the
driving."
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Two golfers were waiting their turn on the tee when a naked
woman ran across the fairway and into the woods. Two men in white coats
and another guy carrying two buckets of sand were chasing her, and a
little old man was bringing up the rear.
One of the golfers asked the old man,
"What the hell is going on?"
The old guy said, "She's a nymphomaniac from the asylum, she
keeps trying to escape, and us attendants are trying to catch her."
The golfer said, "What about the guy with the buckets of sand?"
The old guy said, "That's his handicap. He caught her last time."
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Getting dramatic...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1117
">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1117
I'm blue...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1116
">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1116
-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------
A man allegedly forced restaurant staff to make him a
pizza at gunpoint after they said a home delivery would
take half an hour.
Canadian police say he became angry after ringing the
restaurant in Edmonton to order an extra large
vegetarian pizza.
Staff at the Edmonton restaurant claim he arrived at
the restaurant 20 minutes after the call with a handgun.
Police spokesman Dean Parthenis said: "We've see some
bizarre things happen, but this one tops the list. It
certainly had our investigators baffled."
Staff at the Homemade Steak and Pizza say the man held
them at gunpoint for almost an hour while he finished
his pizza, the Edmonton Sun reports.
The gunman was allegedly joined by two other accomplices.
Police say two employees and another customer were hit on
the head during the incident, but no shots were fired.
A 26-year-old man and two teenagers have been charged with
robbery, uttering threats, unlawful confinement and weapons
offences.
Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:news@paulsfunhouse.com
">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" mailto:weirdnewsweekly-subscribe@topica.com
">WNW</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
<A Classic!>
Two men are driving through New York when they
get pulled over by a State Trooper.
The cop walks up and taps on the window with
his nightstick.
The driver rolls down the window and WHACK,
the cop smacks him in the head with the stick.
The driver asks, "What the hell was that for?"
The cop answers, "You're in New York son.
When we pull you over, you better have your
license ready when we get to your car."
The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer,
I'm not from around here."
The cop runs a check on the guy's license, and
he's clean.
He gives the guy his license back, walks around
to the passenger side, and taps on the window.
The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK,
the cop smacks him on the head with the
nightstick.
The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for?"
The cop says, "Just making your wish come true."
The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?"
The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road
you're gonna say to your buddy, I wish that asshole
would've tried that shit with me!'"
-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------
[||||] R x Q U I Z -- Pointing out that 1.3 million patients
are injured or killed each year by medical errors, the Wall Street
Journal's Smart Money column recommends that hospital patients ask
"What's this for?" when handed any medication by a nurse. (Wall St.
Journal)
And ask "Which end?" when visited by an optomologist or a
proctologist.
Copyright 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
"The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is
tough."
"It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A
death! What's that, a bonus?"
"I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out
of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when
you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty
years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. Then you do
drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade
school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you
become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine
months floating, and you finish off as an orgasm."
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Who cut the Cheese??
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1115
">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1115
Spring training...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1114
">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1114
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A guy is in a public restroom. He soon discovers that there is no
toilet paper on the roll. He calls into the next stall, "Do you have
any toilet paper in there?"
"No," comes the reply.
"Do you have any newspaper?" he asks.
"Sorry!" is the next reply.
"Ummm, do you have two fives for a ten?"
---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
A customer in a NYC deli says to Morris the waiter:
"I'd like a cup of coffee, no cream".
Morris the waiter goes away and after 10 minutes comes back and says:
"I'm sorry sir, we are out of cream. Would you want your coffee
without milk instead?"
--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------
This Weeks Laughing Stalk
By Erik Deckers
All This for Only $99.95
Jenilee Harrison: Hi, I'm Jenilee Harrison, and you may remember me from
TV shows like. . . umm. . . you know, it's been so long, I don't
remember what TV shows I've been on.
Off-camera voice: You were on Three's Company!
Jenilee: Oh yeah, I was on Three's Company. You may also remember seeing
me on such infomercials as "7 Steps To a Loving Relationship,"
"ABslide," "Power Gym," and "How To Get Into An
Infomercial Gig When
Your Acting Career Is All Washed Up." Today, I'd like to talk to you
about something new. It's "Don Lapre's How To Make Money Like A Greedy
SOB."
Don Lapre: Thanks Jenny.
Jenilee: That's Jenilee. Since most of our viewers still live in their
parents' basements, they'll recall your last money making package, which
was coincidentally called the "Making Money Package."
Don: That's right, Jenilee. But I'm no longer ASSOCIATED with the Making
Money Package. In fact, I have actually been in a LEGAL battle with the
company over the way it's operated. You can read about it in a letter to
former Making Money Package customers on my website at www.donlapre.com.
I even use lots of exclamation points to show how SERIOUS I am.
Jenilee: Don, I've noticed that you seem to be speaking in all capital
letters, and when you do, you sound like you're . . . "having intestinal
discomfort."
Don: Not at all, Jenilee. I do this to show that what I'm talking about
is IMPORTANT and EXCITING.
Jenilee: Oh, I SEE, Don.
Don: But rather than worry about my old business, I'm now involved in a
new venture called "How To Make Money Like A Greedy SOB." In my NINE
VOLUME series, I teach people how to make money hand over fist by using
a few simple business ideas that most people could learn just by reading
a single business magazine.
Jenilee: Or by even watching this infomercial.
Don: That's right, Jenilee. If our customers were smarter than a bag of
hammers, they could actually figure out the ideas I'm promoting just by
paying a small bit of attention to this infomercial. But since they're
not, I'll rake in the dough as these goobers send me $49.95 for a bunch
of poorly-written booklets complete with bad grammar, punctuation, and
obsolete ideas. BWAHAHA-- oh my, did I say that out loud?
Jenilee: I'm afraid you did. Now Don, do you have any secrets you can
share with us from your "Make Money Like A Greedy SOB" program?
Don: Not really, but since I am in a legal battle with the "Making Money
Package" people, I'll share a quote from that system instead. You can
also read it at www.wehateyou.com/articles/16.html.
Jenilee: Oooh, my heart's aflutter. Or is that from too much ABsliding.
Don (clears his throat): "The Internet is divided into many major areas.
One of the things that you can do on the Internet is send electronic
mail (e-mail) to anyone connected to the Internet. E-mail is just like
any other mail that you may compose except it doesn't need an envelope
or a stamp!"
Jenilee: Wow, Don, that's amazing stuff!
Don: You see, Jenilee, in my program, I teach customers about
hard-hitting, on-the-razor's-edge technology like the Internet and
"e-mail." I also explain how it's possible to advertise on the
Internet
WITHOUT A COMPUTER. And you can even download Internet access software
from my website.
Jenilee: That would be really handy, Don. I've tried to get onto the web
with my computer, but I just don't have the right kind of software to do
it. Now that I can get Internet access software on your website, I can
use my computer every day!
Off-camera voice: That's your toaster oven!
Don: And just like my Internet Secrets book from my last program, I've
included 10 BLANK PAGES for Notes. That way, when you're struck with an
inspiring idea, you can rifle through your junk drawer for the book,
flip frantically to the Notes pages, and try to scribble your idea down
before you forget it.
Jenilee: Aren't those pages there just make the book look thicker?
Don: I like to think of them as PIT STOPS for my readers. After all,
their lips usually get tired after they read for more than 20 MINUTES.
Jenilee: Don, many of your critics say that your ideas are nothing more
than oversimplified generalities like "sell on the Internet," or
they're
just more advertisements to get your customers to buy your overpriced
Internet access software. Also, some critics say you show all the
business sense of a 13 year old in Junior Business Club. Is this true?
Don: I've heard these criticisms before, Jenilee, and I can sit here and
say with a MOSTLY straight face that--
Off-camera voice: It's true, it's true! All of it's true!
Jenilee: Who keeps interrupting us?
Tony Robbins: It's me, of course.
Don and Jenilee: It's self-help wizard TONY ROBBINS!
Tony: That's right, Don and Jenny. And I'm here to spend the next thirty
minutes helping you pathetic losers envision what it's like to be
WINNERS!
Jenilee: I can't stop myself. I'm strangely mesmerized by his eight inch
teeth and hypnotic suspenders.
Tony: Repeat after me: "I am a winner. I am a winner. I will give Tony
Robbins $1000 to teach me how to say this phrase over and over."
Don: I am a WINNER. I am a WINNER.
Tony: No Don, not WINNER. Unclench a little bit. "Winner."
Jenilee: That's all the time we have for "Don Lapre's How To Make Money
Like A Greedy SOB." Be sure to join us on this same
It's-3-am-so-nothing-good-is-on-TV station for Tony Robbin's "How To
Make Don Lapre Follow You Around Like A Puppy."
--
Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.