<------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour Presents------>
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->
Grab a seat and get ready to roar in laughter...you have reached
the original home of PUREHUMOUR! In the unlikely event that you
no longer wish to receive the "Best Humour on the Net" then you will
find the unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of every mailing!
Just about every day I invited a man into my house...but I had never
met him....and yesterday morning I heard that he had passed away...
Dave Thomas, the founder of Wendy's Hamburgers, passed away
Tuesday morning. Through all his fame and money he still always
seemed like a genuine person...someone who you liked to see on
TV and you never really felt that he was lying to you in his comm-
ercials. When everyone else is making their commercials loud and
flashy....Dave still kept his low-key attitude while peddling his wears...
hopefully Dave is now operating the largest hamburger chain in the
sky!
Today's issue includes contributions by: Rubin, SunAmy, Barb, Pat,
Marina, John, Aek.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
Lets start with a quickie:
What do you get when you cross a famous Dutch
painter with a New York City cab driver?
You get Vincent Van Go Fuck Yourself.
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Redneck wind chime...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.8.591
">Redneck wind
chime...</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.8.591
------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
"Wow, man," Timmy said. "God parted the Red Sea and let all
His people through on dry ground!"
"Sorry," said the 'biblical' scholar. "But that wasn't the
Red Sea; it was the Reed Sea. And its water is only about
one foot deep. No miracle was involved."
"Oh," said Timmy. Then, reading on a little more, he said,
"Wow, man! What a miracle! God drowned all those Egyptians
in one foot of water!"
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
, , , Signs You Are Broke After Christmas:
1. American Express calls and says; " definitely leave home without
it"
2. Your idea of a 7 course meal is taking a deep breath outside a
restaurant.
3. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
4. You give blood everyday, just for the orange juice.
5. You finally clean your house, hoping to find loose change.
6. McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
7. Sally Struthers sends you food.
8. You go back for seconds at communion.
9. You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond
with Abe Lincoln.
10. You do rob Peter and then you rob Paul.
----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL--------------------
Should Auld Acquaintance Be Forgot?
Check it out:
<a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/">Poll</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/
-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------
"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value.
Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
--David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urging for
investment in the radio in the 1920s
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Milk van...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.9.597
">Milk van...</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.9.597
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Wendy and Anni were comparing their experiences at
the company's annual Christmas party.
Wendy asked, "Did you get laid, Anni?"
Anni replied, "Twice."
"Only twice?" Wendy questioned.
Anni came up with, "Yeah, once by the band and once by the
accounting department!"
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
NEW Toon links...these are brand new...check them out!
Uncle Sam Wants you
<a href="http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-1&R=2-10-1">Click</a>
http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-1&R=2-10-1
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A sweet, beautiful young would-be starlet comes to Hollywood to seek
her fame and fortune. At her first power cocktail party she goes to the host
and asks him. . "Who's the most powerful man in the room?"
"That would be Jerry, over there by the caviar," he says.
The young woman walks over to Jerry and says, "Excuse me, Jerry,
would you mind stepping back behind this column? I'd like to talk to you."
Jerry and the girl step behind the column and she says, "Jerry... I'm
gonna
unzip your fly, take out your cock, and give you the best blowjob you ever
had...!"
Jerry smiles slightly and says, "Well, okay. But...... what's in it for
me?"
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
An old man walks into the University Offices and
says "I'd like to enroll for a Latin course."
The Dean looks at him and asks rather coyly, "How
old are you, Sir?"
"Ninety-three" is the reply.
"Then why do you want to learn Latin, at your time
in life?"
"Well" the man explains "I realize I haven't got long
for this world, but if I go to Heaven I'd like to be
able to speak to God and the Angels in their own
language, and I'd feel more comfortable if I knew
some Latin."
The Dean thinks, and then asks "But what if you don't
go to Heaven but go to - you know - the other place?"
"That's alright, I can already speak American."
--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------
You're the best at all you do---and all you do is make people hate you.
-------------------------DEAR AGGIE--------------------------------
<Ok folks...now Aggie doesn't beg very often...but she is begging
now...she really needs to hear from you or else her pay check is
gonna get cut...so send Aggie some questions and lets keep her
busy!>
Dear Aggie:
About the guy wanting to join the air force and go to college, I disagree
with your statement of joining the air force first. They will pay off
student loans after college and he would join at a higher ranking with
higher pay.
What happens if he gets in the air force and meets some girl and gets
married and has kids over that period of time, what are the chances of him
actually going to college then? Those chances are not very good. You can
join the air force if you have a family and get paid, it's very difficult
to go to school with the responsibility of a family.
]~[
Dear NoName...
I suppose you have a point there.Of course, if you wear a hat, no one will
notice.
You say the guy might meet a girl in the Air Force, so he should go to
college first?
Don't they still have girls at colleges? And a good deal easier access to them,
and free time to drunkenly spend with them? My , how things have changed.
Aggie
NEW...check out Aggie's Webpage at:
<a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/">Dear
Aggie</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Very narrow minded...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.9.598
">Very narrow
minded...</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.9.598
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
At a family get together, a young boy of about 8 years of age asks his
father, "What does fornication mean?"
The dad is freaked out by the question and demands to know, "Where did
you hear a word like that?"
"From Uncle Charlie," responds the son.
Dad charges off to confront his brother.
Charlie doesn't have a clue what the problem is and explains that all
he said was, "For-an-occasion like this you think they would serve
champagne."
--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------
A one-wood golf club walks into a bar and asks the barman
for a beer but the barman refuses to serve him.
"Why not," asks the club.
"Because," he says, "you're the designated driver."
------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------
[Ugrin is temporarily unavailable]
---------------------GUS SHULTZ DIARY------------------------
JANUARY 9, 2001
Dear Diary,
Today I bought a diary and I am writing in it now wich is cool. All of my
life I have wanted my very own diary and now that I got one I am going to
tell you every thing that happens to me and I will write in my diary every
week until the day that I die and that is a promise I promise.
Okay I went downtown today. I bought a diary but you already know that. I
saw my father when I was down town and he flipped me the finger. I think he
was drunk but it is hard to tell becauze he is always drunk even when he is
sober. Then I went and saw my Aunt Gladys who used to be my cousin from a
previous marriage. I have not seen her in a long long time becauze she is
really boring to and smells funny. She is on her death bed so I thought I
would see her before she croaks and is dead. I really like my Aunt lots and
not just becauze my Uncle Garth told me I was in her will. I stood beside
her bed for almost a hour and we just sort of looked at each other and she
said she thought my helmet was cool and that was about all she said. It was
really boring. The rest of the week I rode my motor bike and watched Bay
Watch reruns. Hopefully next week my diary will be more exiting.
Gus Shultz
--
Gus Shultz was born in New York City in 1958. He has been
writing columns since hitting puberty in 1976. More columns
by Gus at:http://www.gravetimes.com
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Best friends, Sam and Paul, are in their local bar, having a
few drinks. Sam leans over and starts stroking Paul's beard.
Sam says, "Your face feels just like my wife's pussy."
Paul strokes it himself and says, "Ya, you're right!"
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
What men do after sex?
2% eat.
3% smoke cigarettes.
4% take shower.
5% go to sleep.
86% get up and go back home to their wives.
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Humpty and the seasons...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.9.599
">Humpty and the
seasons...</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.9.599
-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------
A pair of turtles called Romeo and Juliet have been
given their own 1 million beach in the hope it gets
them frisky.
The rare green sea turtles have not mated in five years
at the Bournemouth Oceanarium.
Bosses hope the new beach, complete with swaying palm
trees, will encourage the turtles to get amorous.
If successful, it will be the first time a green
turtle has bred in Britain.
Expert Kim Sanders told the Western Daily Press: "It
was clear the turtles would never get it on in the
mundane surroundings of a tank. So the oceanarium has
had a 1 million refit to make them feel as if they are
on a tropical island which is their natural home."
Turtle Beach, built next to the 350,000 litre tank, also
has a mural depicting golden sand and blue skies. The
roof has been glazed so they can see the moon.
It is hoped Juliet will lay around 20 to 30 eggs and bury
them in the sand as she would in the wild.
Green turtles are an endangered species and live in
tropical waters around the world, especially Hawaii.
Romeo and Juliet were washed ashore on the Cornish coast
five years ago having been blown thousands of miles off
course.
Adult sea turtles have only two predators, sharks and
people.
Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:news@paulsfunhouse.com
">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" mailto:weirdnewsweekly-subscribe@topica.com
">WNW</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Tarzan leaves the jungle, comes to civilization, and applies for a
job.
Interviewer: Name?
Tarzan: Me, Tarzan.
Interviewer: Married?
Tarzan: Wife, Jane.
Interviewer: Children?
Tarzan: Son, boy.
Interviewer: Anything else to your name besides Tarzan?
Tarzan: Tarzan, King of the Jungle
Interviewer: Jane's Whole Name?
Tarzan: Jane's Hole named Pussy
-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------
[||||] O H S O L O F R E E Z - O -- The worst European
winter storm in four decades has blanketed towns from the Danube River
to Venice where ice froze the canals solid. (USA Today)
Honeymooners had to settle for being serenaded by gondoliers
piloting snow mobiles.
Copyright 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a midwest town
he planned to visit on his vacation.
He wrote, "I would very much like to bring my dog with me.
He is well groomed and very well behaved. Would you be
willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said,
"I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all
that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes,
silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to
evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and
disorderly. and I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill.
Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog
will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."
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--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
An ingrown hare...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.9.600
">An ingrown
hare...</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.9.600
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Things that you should never say to a woman during an argument.
[with comments by Paul]
* Don't you have some laundry to do or something?
[this one will end up with your white jockey's turning pink-a
real embarrassment at the gym!]
* Ohh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off.
[you'll look real cute with that frying pan shaped scar on
your head!]
* You're just upset because your ass is beginning to spread.
[oh boy...can you say DUCK?]
* Wait a minute - I get it. What time of the month is it?
[if you had to ask...you are a dead man!]
* Sorry. I was just picturing you naked.
[Enjoy the picture...thats all you are gonna get!]
* Whoa, time out. Football is on.
[She is gonna make you watch "The English Patient" now!]
* Looks like someone had an extra bowl of bitch flakes this morning!
[Does the phrase "Who pissed in your corn flakes" mean anything to
you?....If she makes your breakfast...look closely before eating!]
* Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?
[What...contact a divorce lawyer?]
* Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded.
[Rest in peace!]
---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
How many Freudian analysts does it take to
change a light bulb?
Two, one to change the bulb and one to hold
the penis, I mean ladder.
--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------
Who's Going to Hell This Week?
by Helen A. Handbasket
January 7, 2002
Lots of Oscar contenders and big blockbusters opening this week, huh? Like
Hollywood, Satan releases his best stuff near the end of the year, so don't
expect any big surprises this week, just a lot of little ones.
- Helen -
10. Something went horribly wrong with Satan's plan for film critic Jeffrey
Lyons to steal an airplane and crash it into film critic Gene Shalit.
9. George W. Bush said "NOT over my dead body will they raise taxes"
when he really meant "OVER my dead body will they raise taxes."
Osama bin Laden replied "Dead or alive, makes no difference to me."
8. Despite the capture of Taliban spokesmodel Mullah Abdul Salam Zaeef, Whoopi
Goldberg is still hosting the Oscars this year.
7. Houston is the fattest city in the United States. Israel captures a ship
full of weaponry intended to arm the Palestinians. Connect the dots.
6. Afghans with grudges have figured out that American bombs are effective
against personal enemies as well as the Taliban. Tribal leaders are requesting
airstrikes against rival tribes and CNN.
5. Why are starving Afghani villagers reduced to eating grass? How else
could bootleg "Lord of the Rings" videotapes already be
available In Jalalabad?
4. Which member of The Backstreet Boys is the reincarnation of Napoleon's
doctor's goldfish? Hint: he's got a thing for handcuffs.
3. Nike cancelled a $10 million ad campaign calling their new sneakers
"the bomb."
2. "It's really too bad Yves Saint Laurent is retiring," says Adolf
Hitler from the 4th level of hell. "He totally changed the way I look at
the pantsuit."
And the number one people going to hell this week?
1. Anybody still going to http://sites.netscape.net/gossipfromhell/ when I'm now at http://mywebpage.netscape.com/gossipfromhell/.
Personal to Netscape: You guys are going to pay.
Personal to Mephistopheles: Remember that favor you owe me?
ARITHMETIC FROM HELL
710,000 mobile phone robberies in England and Wales last year times 1/10th of
Pakistan's resolve divided by President Mugabe's re-election chances in
Zimbabwe equals every sanction taken against Microsoft for antitrust violations
plus 50 overweight middle-aged Swedish men divided by every celebrity who
failed to show up for the AFI Awards.
DOMINO EFFECT FROM HELL
Still Missing
This historic Ottoman castle
near the holy city of Mecca
destroyed by Saudi Arabia
for "housing"
ANNOYING PROSPECT FROM HELL
The Tom Green/Drew Barrymore divorce.
PROPOSAL FROM HELL
Ten bucks for the rights to make the following movie...
WRITER'S PROMO FILM
INT. COURTROOM: DAY
The room is packed. The judge addresses the jury.
JUDGE
Has the jury reached a verdict?
JURY FOREMAN
We have, your honor.
The clerk walks up to the Jury Foreman, takes the verdict from him, and hands
it to the judge, who looks at it.
TITLE: "It's not up to the jury"
JUDGE
You may read the verdict.
TITLE: "It's not up to the defendant"
JURY FOREMAN
On the count of first degree murder...
CLOSE-UP: THE DEFENDANT
who is sweating profusely.
JURY FOREMAN
We find the defendant...
The defense attorney and the prosecutor look at each other.
TITLE: "It's not up to the attorneys"
CLOSE-UP: The Jury Foreman shrugs.
CLOSE-UP: Me at my typewriter as I type "Guilty!"
JURY FOREMAN
Guilty!
TITLE: "It's up to the writer."
THE END
GRAPHIC FROM HELL
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(:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::)
888 888::{*****xxx xxx******}@@@@8 88
888 88 8 ( 0 )xxx/\ xx( 0 ) @@@@@@@ 8
88 888 8 - xx |
- @@@ 88
8 888 88 x
| @@@@@@ 8
8 8 888/8
x |
888 888
\88/ 888
C o) 8/
@@
\/@ @8/ \
\_/ /@@@@@ 88
@ |
/ \ |
@@@
/ | (mmmmmmm) | \
_________________ /\
\_ (wwww) _/ / \
/
\ XXX v XXX /
\___________
/
/ \ xxxxxxxxxx
/ /
\
|
/ \ xxxxxxxx
/ /
\
|
/ \ xxxxxx
/ /
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\ \
xxxx / /
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\ \ xx
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\ \ @@@@@@
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/@
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/_ \
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_) \
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(-----;
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V
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Uncle Sam
PORNO FILM FROM HELL
"The Lord of the Cock Rings"
QUIZ FROM HELL
The next place the U.S. will invade is...
a) Iraq
b) the Philippines
c) Somalia
d) South Central
QUOTES FROM HELL
"If I cut my finger, we're talking a paper cut, this is tragedy. I'll go
to Mount Sinai, I'll have a team of big surgeons look at it, I'll worry all
night, I'll take Tylenol. Comedy is if YOU walk into an open sewer and die.
What do I care?"
- Mel Brooks -
"There is surely nothing other than the single purpose of the present
moment. A man's whole life is a succession of moment after moment. If one fully
understands the present moment, there will be nothing else to do and nothing
else to pursue."
- Yamamota (The Book of the Samurai) -
"I have forced myself to contradict myself in order to avoid conforming to
my own taste."
- Marcel Duchamp -
"Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly."
- Lotus Weinstock -
"If the murder of twelve innocent people can help save one human life, it
will have been worth it."
-Dr. Necessiter from the Steve Martin comedy, "The Man with Two
Brains" (1983)-
"Resolutions? Eat fewer Cheeseburgers."
- George W. Bush -
EASIEST REWRITE FROM HELL
"Mullah Omar is on the Run"
-Headline at NYT-
In the day we sweat it out in the streets of a runaway Taliban dream
At night we ride through Kandahar in suicide machines
Sprung from caves out on highway Osh-Horog,
making friends with a camel and steppin' out over the line
Baby this town rips the bones from your back
It's a death trap, it's a suicide rap
We gotta get out while we're young
Cause Mullah's like us, baby we were born to run
DUH!
15 Iranian intellectuals accused of undermining the country's government say
they are not being given a fair trial.
The official recount comes to less than 3,000 deaths at the WTCs but George W.
Bush says it doesn't matter, he's still president.
--
Why go to hell when hell can come to you?
Find out at http://mywebpage.netscape.com/gossipfromhell/