<------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour Presents------>
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->
Grab a seat and get ready to roar in laughter...you have reached
the original home of PUREHUMOUR! In the unlikely event that you
no longer wish to receive the "Best Humour on the Net" then you will
find the unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of every mailing!
Police in Salt Lake City, Utah exploded a suspicious package
overnight that they thought was a bomb...someone forgot to
explain to them that when people get together for Olympic size
events...some of them get "bombed"...once all the parts of the
person are found...they will be mailed back to his family!
Seriously though...here's hoping for a safe and excellent show by
the Salt Lake City Olympic Committee...who'd have thought that
when SLC won the 2002 Winter Olympics that we'd be in the situation
that we're in now....how things have changed so much! Good Luck
to all...and God Speed!
Today's issue includes contributions by: (P)et, SunAmy, Barb, Ishy,
Barbara, Keli, Marina.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
Lets start with a quickie:
Why did the firefly cross the road?
Because the light was with her.
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Just give it a crank...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.567
">Just give it a
crank...</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.567
It's a Worm...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.14.364
">It's a
Worm...</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.14.364
------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------
Today's issue is brought to you by:
Help the USA kick terrorists in the ass; As seen on
MSNBC & CNBC:
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
<A Classic!>
A photographer for a national magazine was
assigned to take pictures of a great forest
fire. He was advised that a small plane
would be waiting to fly him over the fire.
The photographer arrived at the airstrip
just an hour before sundown. Sure enough,
a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He
jumped in with his equipment and shouted,
"Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the
pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind
and soon they were in the air, though
flying erratically.
"Fly over the north side of the fire,"
said the photographer, "and make several
low-level passes."
"Why?" asked the nervous pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures!"
yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer,
and photographers take pictures."
After a long pause, the "pilot" replied:
"You mean, you're not my instructor?"
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
On the way back to New York as I was sitting in the Phoenix
airport, they announced that the flight to Vegas was full.
The airline was looking for volunteers to give up their seats.
In exchange, they'd give you a $100 voucher for your next
flight and a first class seat in the plane leaving an hour
later. About eight people ran up to the counter to take
advantage of the offer.
About 15 seconds later all eight of those people sat down
grumpily as the lady behind the ticket counter said, "If
there is anyone else OTHER than the flight crew who'd like
to volunteer, please step forward..."
----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL----------------------
New Poll starts next week for sure!
Check out the poll at:
<a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/">FunStop</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/
-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------
"We must change in order to survive."
-Pearl Bailey (1918-1990) Entertainer, minister
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Websurfing long ago...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.14.487
">Websurfing
long ago...</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.14.487
The Official e-Male...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.14.488
">The Official
e-Male...</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.14.488
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
TO CONFIRM HER SUSPICIONS, my sister needed to purchase a
pregnancy test. Since I was going to the pharmacy, she asked
me to pick one up. I didn't stop to think how I appeared to
the clerk when I waddled up nine months pregnant to pay for
the kit. "Honey," she said, "I can save you $15 right now.
You're definitely going to have a baby."
------------------------TOON TIME--------------------------------
Surfin the web
<a href="http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-30&R=2-10-1">Click</a>
http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-30&R=2-10-1
Call for Help
<a href="http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-31&R=2-10-1">Click</a>
http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-31&R=2-10-1
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Sometimes we just need to remember what the Rules of
Life REALLY are....
1. Never give yourself a haircut after three
margaritas. (oops, I read this too late)
2. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape.
If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it
moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
3. The five most essential words for a healthy,
vital relationship "I apologize" and "You are
right."
4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know
them.
5. When you make a mistake, make amends
immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's
still warm.
6. The only really good advice that your mother
ever gave you was, "Go! You might meet somebody!"
7. If he/she says that you are too good for
him/her--believe them.
8. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, 'Will
this matter one year from now? How about one month?
One week? One day?'
9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You
have another chance!
11. Living well really is the best revenge.
Being miserable because of a bad or former
relationship just might mean that the other person
was right about you.
12. Work is good, but it's not that important.
13. And finally... Be really nice to your friends.
You never know when you are going to need them to
empty your bedpan.
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
During a friendly argument, Ron asked his wife
why she married him in the first place. "I was
just stupid," Laura teased. When he said he
was happy to hear that, she was
surprised and requested an explanation.
"Well, people get divorced all the time because
they fall out of love," he said. "But I've never
heard of anybody falling out of stupid."
--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------
"Girl who is wallflower at party, may be dandelion in bed."
-------------------------DEAR AGGIE--------------------------------
Dear Aggie:
I am 42 years old, and saw something I thought I
would never see. I saw a movie from the 70's
playing on AMC!! Now that is REALLY sad.
signed,
Older than I was, but not that old
]~[
Dear Old as dirt....
I see Alzheimers has set in. This list is called
Ask Dear Aggie, not "send Dear Aggie your comments".
Poor thing. Would you like your pureed Hamburger
now? Perhaps an Ensure pudding?
Aggie
NEW...check out Aggie's Webpage at:
<a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/">Dear
Aggie</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Just hit them all...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.14.489
">Just hit them
all...</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.14.489
Logging off...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.14.490
">Logging
off...</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.14.490
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
My husband and I were invited to a party,
and each couple brought a dish. When it
came time to serve dessert, the person
who prepared it said the recipe was called
"Better Than Sex Cake."
After my husband tasted it, he blurted out,
"I sure feel sorry for the person who
named this dessert."
--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------
One day a shepherd leading his flock decided to take a shortcut across
the rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and wouldn't cross
it. Desperate, the shepherd began tugging them to the other side.
"Look at that," remarked Stash to Yash. "That guy is trying to
pull the
wool over our ice!"
------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------
Mcbeal's Doctor visit
<a href="http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-32&R=2-10-1">Click</a>
http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-32&R=2-10-1
Traffic sign confusion
<a href="http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-33&R=2-10-1">Click</a>
http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-33&R=2-10-1
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Little Johnny and his best buddy Billy wanted to go fishing, so they got
into their boat and headed out into the ocean. After traveling several
miles a very large wave came at them and capsized their small boat. As
soon as they got into the water and started to swim a large shark came
by and chewed both of Billy's arms off.
Billy yelled at Little Johnny, "I can't swim, a shark bit my arms off!
Little Johnny yelled back, "Try to get on my back and I will swim us
over to that island."
So Billy got on Little Johnny's back and they headed toward the island.
After swimming for a long time they finally made it to the beach. Little
Johnny got up on the sand and just about passed out from all that hard
swimming. He looked at Billy and said, "Damn my butt is sore. I
didn't
know swimming would make my butt so sore!"
And Billy said, "I'm sorry, but that was the only way I could hang
on."
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A man was chosen for jury duty who very much wanted
to be dismissed from serving. He was trying every
excuse in the world trying to get out of it but none
of them worked.
On the day of the trial he decided to give it one more
shot. As the trial was about to begin he asked if
he could approach the bench.
"Your Honor," he said, " I must be excused from this
trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant.
I took one look at the man in the Grey suit with
those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said,
"He's a crook! He's guilty, guilty, guilty." So your
Honor, I could not possibly stay on this jury!"
With a tired annoyance the judge replied, "Get back
in the jury box. That man is his lawyer."
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
A boy's best Friend...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.14.491
">A boy's best
Friend...</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.14.491
Direct X settings...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.14.492
">Direct X
settings...</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.14.492
-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------
Sixteen parakeets have been ordered to stop twittering
between one and three in the afternoon so their
neighbours can have some peace.
They've also been banned from singing on Sundays and
bank holidays.
A court in the German state of Hessen made the order
after being told neighbours had put with the noise
for seven years.
According to Bild newspaper, their owner, named only
as Heidemarie K, has been told they can sing between
May and August from 7am until 9pm, but they must take
a two hour lunch break.
The court made no special ruling for the winter months
or any suggestions about how their owner should
implement the ban.
Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:news@paulsfunhouse.com
">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" mailto:weirdnewsweekly-subscribe@topica.com
">WNW</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when
her youngest daughter walks in.
The Child asks, "Mother, where do babies come from?"
After thinking about it for a moment the mother says "Well
dear.... mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One
night they go into their room..they kiss, hug and have sex."
The child looks puzzled. The mother continues "That means
the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how
you get a baby, honey."
The child replies "Oh I see, but the other night when I came
into yours and daddy's room you had daddy's penis in your
mouth. What do you get when you do that?"
The Mother says, "Jewellery dear."
-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------
[||||] O D O R S G A L O R E -- The Hastings Bad Cinema
Society (www.thestinkers.com)
handed "Freddy Got Fingered" starring Tom
Green their annual "Stinker Award," with worst film, worst actor,
worst
screen couple, most intrusive musical score and most painfully unfunny
comedy honors attached. (LA Times)
An you think you had a bad week. Drew Barrymore told
reporters that her recent marriage to Tom was the "worst ten minutes of
my life."
Copyright 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A young private sought permission from his Commanding Officer
to leave camp the following weekend. "You see," he explained,
"my wife's expecting."
"Oh..." said the Officer, "I understand. Go ahead and tell
your wife that I wish her luck."
The following week the same soldier was back again with the
same explanation: "My wife's expecting."
The Officer looked surprised. "Still expecting?" he said,
"Well, well, my boy, you must be pretty bothered. Of course
you can have the week-end off."
When the same soldier appeared again the third week, however,
the Officer lost his temper. "Don't tell me your wife is
still expecting!" he bellowed.
"Yes sir!" said the soldier resolutely, "She's still
expecting."
"What in heaven is she expecting?" cried the Officer.
"Me." said the soldier simply.
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--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Lots of bugs...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.14.493
">Lots of
bugs...</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.14.493
Computerized Rock...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.14.494
">Computerized
Rock...</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.14.494
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Budget cuts to the Defence force forced the training team to start doing
mock combat using no explosives, guns, or basically any equipment
what-so-ever, so when it came to a training scenario, the Sergeant in charge
tells his recruits that they are under imaginary fire, and what do they do?
So all of the recruits bar one scatter and get down behind "stuff",
and get
into returning fire positions.
The Sergeant notices this one recruit standing out in the open, quite
relaxed and unfazed. Yelling, the Sergeant asks "What the devil do you
think
you're doing? You're under fire!" So the recruit takes one step to the
left
and remains still.
Now the Sergeant's really annoyed. He yells again, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU
DOING? You're under imaginary fire, take cover!" The recruit turns to him
and replies, "I'm taking cover behind this imaginary tree Sergeant!"
---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
Did you hear about the 13 year old boy that got hold
of his fathers Viagra?
They rushed him to the hospital with 3rd degree burns
on his hands
--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------
Life as a Nursemaid
By Kim Burke
What an exciting week I have had! Let's see, the town basically shut down
because this area (southwest Arkansas) received six inches of snow. Snow
in
the south means everything shuts down even church. My husband came down
with the flu and my daughter insisted I rent the Pay-Per-View movie 'Summer
Catch' with Freddie Prinze, Jr. As you can tell, I've been having loads
of
fun.
It's not that I mind taking care of my family. Actually, I quite enjoy
it.
However, after a few 'Honey, can you bring me' calls, I guzzled a side swig
of Nyquil, too.
I really outdid myself. Truly. I cooked up a pot of homemade
chicken soup,
stocked up on juice, water, fruits and vegetables, ran errands to pick up
prescription medication and a thermometer, only to later find most of it
being discarded with heaving noises in the toilet bowl.
But it's the thought that counts, right?
My daughter and my doggie both laid around in the living room on their
backs. Apparently, they were having 'sympathy' pains and needed some
extra
attention, as well.
I washed sheets, bedding and more sheets. I walked, I ran, I wondered if
Florence Nightingale ever went into the bathroom, locked the door and smoked
a cigarette. I went for almost thirty hours without any sleep and,
luckily,
didn't see any purple fairies although the bedroom tended to zone in and out
quite a bit.
There were moments, late at night, when all was quiet and I experienced a
peace in knowing all of my chicks were safe and sound in their beds. Then
I
would hear gurgling noises underneath the sheets and wonder if this
nightmare would ever be over.
There have been times in life when I've wondered why God made me. Then
one
moment during one particular night of my husband's illness, Richard sounded
as if he were having a nightmare. I touched him ever so gently on his
forehead, leaned my head close to his ear and whispered that everything was
all right. He calmed down and sleepily rolled from his side to his back.
It was in this moment I understood my purpose. Then I went to kiss him
softly on the lips and he coughed right in my face.
But that's OK. He was asleep and sick, after all, and these things do
happen.
My socks all have holes in them from several carpet-mile runs from the
kitchen to the bedroom and back again. My hair feels like dental floss
and
some of my fingernails now have a nice octagon shape. I always thought
being a bit different and unique was a good thing but this wasn't what I had
in mind.
My husband is now well and life is, again, back to normal. Home is where
the heart is and this heart needs a rest.
--
The author and creator of Incidents & Accidents: the column, the book
(still
seeking publisher) and the website is Kim Burke - because life's too short
for ordinary idiots! If you enjoy humor, prizes and a great community to
involve yourself in, there is no gas required to travel to:
www.incidentsandaccidents.com.
Kim resides with her husband, Richard and
daughter, Christy in Arkansas. On a mountain. Sometimes barefoot! Email
Kim at kimburke@incidentsandaccidents.com