<------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour Presents------>
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->
Grab a seat and get ready to roar in laughter...you have reached
the original home of PUREHUMOUR! In the unlikely event that you
no longer wish to receive the "Best Humour on the Net" then you will
find the unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of every mailing!
Well in just over 24 hours the Winter Olympics open in Salt Lake
City, Utah! Canada is favoured to win Gold in hockey with another
shot at The Dream Team...now four years ago in Nagano, Japan...
Canada was also favoured with a Dream Team of NHL stars...but
they finished out of the medals as did the USA! All the hype
behind the Olympic Hockey tournament really took its toll...so this
year I have resigned myself to the fact that Canada is gonna suck
at hockey! Then when they bring home the Gold...I can be really
happy! ;)
Today also marks the first test of my new Purehumour list on my
website...I have a few people on that list and we are checking to
see that all is well ... once we are sure it is okay...then we will
move the list from Topica!
Today's issue includes contributions by: (P)et, Stan, Keli, Rubin,
Wayne, Wendy, Di Ann, Barb, Pat, SunAmy, John, Tom, Marina.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
Lets start with a quickie:
What is the inherent danger in cloning inhabitants of Middle Earth?
It may be Hobbit forming.
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
How we are fooled.
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.557
">How we are
fooled.</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.557
Losing the house...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.558
">Losing the
house...</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.558
------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------
Today's issue is brought to you by:
Help the USA kick terrorists in the ass; As seen on
MSNBC & CNBC:
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Mrs. Jones went to see her doctor. When he inquired about her
complaint she replied that she suffered from a discharge.
He instructed her to get undressed and lie down on the examining table.
She did so.... The doctor put on rubber gloves and began to massage her
"private parts." After a couple of minutes he asked, "How does
that
feel?"
"Wonderful," she replied, "but the discharge is from my
ear..."
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A telephone repair man joined the Army. As part of his basic
training, he went out on the rifle range. He fired 99 shots
at the target, and missed the target with every shot! His
Drill Instructor tried to find out why.
"What's the matter with you?" shouted the DI. "Why can't you
hit the target? What were you in civilian life?"
"I was a telephone repair man," replied the new recruit, "and
I don't know why I can't hit the target. Let me see..."
The man checked his rifle, checked his rifle again, and checked
his rifle a third time. He then put his finger in front of the
muzzle, pulled the trigger, and blew the end of his finger off!
"Well," the phone man said, writhing in pain, "the bullets are
leaving this end here fine. The trouble must be on the other
end!"
----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL----------------------
Hey it still works! ;)
Check out the poll at:
<a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/">FunStop</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/
-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------
"If we don't change, we don't grow. If we don't grow, we aren't really
living."
-Gail Sheehy
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Blonde typist...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.559
">Blonde
typist...</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.559
A bad case...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.560
">A bad
case...</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.560
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Wendy slowly enters the front door of an erotic sex shop.
Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily
hobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.
Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support,
Wendy asks the sales clerk: "Ddddooo youuuu hhhave dildosss?"
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies:
"Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many models."
Wendy then asks: Dddddoooo yyyouuuu hhhave aaa pppinkk one,
tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss
thththiiickkk?"
The clerk responds, "Yes we do".
"Ccccccannnn yyyyouuuu tttelll mmmmeeee howwww ttttoooo
ttturrrnnn ttthe ffuucccckkkkinggg ttthingggg offf ?
------------------------TOON TIME--------------------------------
Chinese SUV
<a href="http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-35&R=2-10-1">Click</a>
http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-35&R=2-10-1
Flower Child
<a href="http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-36&R=2-10-1">Click</a>
http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-36&R=2-10-1
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
15 Signs an Athlete is Using a Banned Substance
15. Gets "psyched" before each competition by banging his head
against a
locker, although he's on the chess team.
14. Her javelin was shot down by jet fighters.
13. Killed two spectators and a line judge with his forehand lob at this
year's French Open.
12. Although a sprinter, he won both the Indy 500 and the Preakness.
11. Swimmer's refusal to trim beard and wax chest costs her valuable seconds
in the 100-meter freestyle.
10. His red and yellow jersey reads, "Track Cartel de Colombia."
9. Absent-mindedly shows up at starting blocks with syringe dangling from
arm.
8. Remainder of high-jump event postponed until he lands.
7. Somehow manages to win the 100-meter butterfly without getting wet.
6. Signs new contract for $6 over 2 million years.
5. Instead of exploding out of the blocks, he just explodes.
4. According to the urine test, he's six-week's pregnant.
3. Breaks his pelvis but insists he can just "walk it off."
2. Has switched her shower song from "I Feel Pretty" to "Old Man
River."
1. Forget Nike and Reebok-he's got endorsement deals with Merck and Glaxo.
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
More Trivia Stuff:
A sneeze leaves your mouth at over 600 mph.
Your body creates as much as two quarts
of saliva daily.
A gorilla will stick its tongue out when
angry.
The first sound recording ever made was
"Mary Had a Little Lamb," in 1877 by Tom
Edison.
--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------
A man was admitted to the hospital suffering from premature ejaculation.
The doctors said it was touch and go.
-------------------------DEAR AGGIE--------------------------------
Dear Aggie:
Well thank you Aggie for your response to my inquiry
about whether to join the military first or go to college. I suppose I
should explain my situation a little better though. I wish to be a pilot.
I already have my private license but wish to expand my horizons. I
suppose what I was really trying to get at with my previous question was
whether I should go to college first to get my commercial license just in
case when I am finished I have no desire to join the Air Force. I do know
that the military will pay for my college but I am not quite sure if I
will have to be obliged to stay in the military thereafter. And a slight
correction should be made on my part. It is assumed I am male, while I am
indeed 100% woman.
Ice Hawk
]~[
Dear slurpee...er, Icee...
Hmm. What a revolting development, a nice person to whom I feel obliged to
write
back nicely to. *sigh* OK...The advice still holds more or less true, Male or
Female. So, you have your privates. License, that is. So do I, I rent a little
Beech Sundowner 4 seater, 180 hp, single engine. Thought Aggie was
the regular little housewife, did you?
Anyway, talk to your recruiter about specific service length. Or, get a grant
to
go to Embry-Riddle or some such. Think thru your options, and best of luck to
you.
Aggie
NEW...check out Aggie's Webpage at:
<a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/">Dear
Aggie</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Mass haircuts...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.561
">Mass
haircuts...</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.561
Sonny has a name...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.562
">Sonny has a
name...</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.562
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting.
When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things
were all done for him: "I am placed in the door and told
when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me,
and out I go."
"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was
asked.
"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees
and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.
"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final
arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.
The man quickly answered. "Oh, the dog's leash goes
slack..."
--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------
Have you ever had the experience of parking in a one-hour zone,
inserting the coins, than finding yourself, forty-five minutes later,
still in line at the bank? At such times, you might suddenly find
religion, and fervently pray that you will make your meter.
------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------
I Dare you
<a href="http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-37&R=2-10-1">Click</a>
http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-37&R=2-10-1
Redneck Horseshoes
<a href="http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-38&R=2-10-1">Click</a>
http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-38&R=2-10-1
--------------ON THE ROAD WITH AN IDIOT---------------
The officer pulled on his Barney Fife hat and slammed the door on his
cruiser. He looked more like Barney than Barney Fife. Even his face was
purple.
"Are you in a hurry sir?" he asked after I put my window down.
Let's see, I'm doing sixty in a 35 zone, I ran a stop sign, and I passed a
boob in a truck, which by all rights should have been pulled over as a
safety hazard. I guess I must be in hurry.
"Are you trying to be funny," he asked.
Why? Are you having fun?
He didn't even offer me a warningwe just went straight to the ticket. I
guess since I was in a hurry, that was a good thing.
[Continued next Thursday....]
2002 by Todd A. Sponsler
Todd A. Sponsler, MD is an opto... ofphtha... offtha... an eye surgeon trying
to prove that doctors can write something other than illegible prescriptions.
He currently composts (I mean composes) a humor column on his website called
The Lions Den. For humor dispensed in nearly fatal doses go to www.geocities.com/psulionsden.
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
As an art teacher for an elementary school here in
Jacksonville, Florida one of my recent assignments
for the children was to enter a contest that our new
national football team, the Jacksonville Jaguars, was
promoting. The winning artwork gets placed on the back
of the season tickets.
I encouraged the children to come up with a good logo
as well as a colorful creation.
One innocent little girl was so enthused about her
masterpiece she turned in to me. It had a picture of a
mean looking jaguar that read "You're messin' with the
wrong pussy."
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Five Stages Of Sex:
The first stage of sex is Smurf Sex. This stage of
sex happens when you first meet someone and you both
have sex until you are blue in the face......
The second stage of sex is Kitchen Sex. This is when
you have been with your partner for a short time and
you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in
the kitchen.....
The third stage of sex is Bedroom Sex. This is when you
have been with your partner for a long time. your sex
has gotten routine and you usually have sex in your
bedroom.
The fourth stage of sex is Hallway Sex. this is when
you have been with your partner for too long. When you
pass each other in the hallway, you both say "Fuck
You".
The fifth stage of sex is Courtroom Sex. this is when
you cannot stand your wife anymore. She takes you to
court and screws you in front of everyone.
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Getting promoted...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.563
">Getting
promoted...</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.563
Here's a tip...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.564
">Here's a
tip...</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.564
-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------
A couple have been thrown out of a supermarket for
having sex in a toilet.
Security guards were alerted after customers
complained about the noise.
Safeway says a guard approached the couple and told
them only one person is allowed in cubicles at a
time.
The incident happened at the Safeway BP petrol station
store in Basildon, Essex, reports The Sun.
An unnamed customer told the newspaper: "They clearly
didn't care if anyone heard them because they were
making a monumental racket.
"I wasn't the first to notice. When I told staff, they
had already alerted security.
"The couple were escorted out. They looked very
disheveled, but had smirks on their faces."
A spokesman for Safeway said: "Security pointed out that
only one person was allowed in a cubicle at a time."
Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:news@paulsfunhouse.com
">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" mailto:weirdnewsweekly-subscribe@topica.com
">WNW</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
The psychiatrist was interviewing a first-time patient. "You say you're
here," he inquired, "because your family is worried about your taste
in
socks?"
"That's correct," muttered the patient. "I like wool socks."
"But that's perfectly normal," replied the doctor. "Many people
prefer
wool socks to those made from cotton or acrylic. In fact, I myself like
wool socks."
"You DO?" exclaimed the man. "With oil and vinegar or just a
squeeze of
lemon?"
-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------
[||||] I C Y R E C E P T I O N -- Delays up to three hours
will face spectators at the Winter Games in Salt Lake City as the $315
million security network kicks in, (USA Today)
No one will be immune. Ice hockey goals won't count unless
they pass through the metal detector first.
Copyright 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Although he always ordered just ham and eggs everyday, one
customer at the diner always studied the menu carefully each
day before ordering.
One day, his regular waitress decided to see if he could be
made to order anything else. Before giving him the menu she
marked out the ham and eggs entry.
Once the customer had looked over the menu for a few
minutes, the waitress approached him and asked, "Sir, did you
notice that I scratched something you like?"
Without looking up from the menu, he quickly replied, "Well,
then go wash your hands and bring me some ham and eggs."
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--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Understanding...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.565
">Understanding...</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.565
Getting it chewed off...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.566
">Getting it
chewed off...</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.566
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Joseph, a very proper man started going into the neighbour
hood drug store every week and buying 2 dozen boxes of
condoms. Week after week, he would come in with the same
order.
One day, the druggist felt he had to say something to Joseph.
"Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about
getting lucky! How on earth do you use that many condoms
a week?"
Joseph looked at him in disgust and said, "I beg your pardon,
but I find the whole idea of sex repulsive!"
So, the druggist asked, "Then what do you do with all those
condoms?"
Joseph answered, "I feed them to my poodle. This way when
she goes to the bathroom, she'll shit in little plastic baggies."
---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
Why is American beer served cold?
To distinguish it from piss?
--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------
WINDOWS SYSTEM FAILS TO CRASH IN 24-HOUR PERIOD
By Paul Daly
In an alarming development, staff at a leading American technology firm have
revealed that, on Monday last week, their Windows 98 Operating System failed to
crash at any stage.
A spokesman described the event as "remarkable and unprecedented."
Indeed, it nearly ended in tragedy, as he went on to explain: "we simply
hadn't budgeted for an entire 24-hour period where our employees were totally
productive." One employee was taken to hospital with minor injuries,
sustained by attempting to unsuccessfully gnaw through the circuit board, but
is expected to make a full recovery.
"I tried everything to make the thing crash," he spoke from his
hospital bed, "but it just wouldn't work." He even went to the
desperate lengths of "opening several Solitaire windows at once. Things
got really nasty."
A spokesman for Microsoft dismissed the occurrence as an "isolated
incident. We have launched a full investigation and are satisfied that the
problem has been rectified." Microsoft said they were
"considering" proposals to make circuit boards more susceptible to
human teeth, even packaging them with pesto sauce. This measure would require
the "collusion of several hardware manufacturers" but, off the record,
they refused to rule it out "once those bastards in the Justice Department
get off our backs."
The following day, according to reports, things were back to normal, with staff
reporting "several" crashes.
Dr. B.A.D. Pessimist, who has predicted consistently during the last five years
that the dot.com boom would eventually come to an end, said that efficient
Windows Operating Systems could spell total disaster for many companies.
"You have to consider the consequences. Many of these dot.com millionaires
are far too busy snorting cocaine and having sex with office equipment to work.
The only reason they got away with it for so long was that they could complain
that the instability of Windows meant that they couldn't do any work." He
also added that there was "more than a hint of a conspiracy about
this." When asked to elaborate, the Dr. said that it was "only a
soundbite."
Copyright 2001 by Paul Daly