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<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->
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Well the ground hog came out on the weekend and depending on
where in North America you live...you either have six more weeks
of winter...or an early winter. The ground hog has turned into a
typical weatherman...only right about 40% of the time! Our local
ground hog crawled out from under the bar and didn't see his
shadow which means that winter is almost over...and maybe he
is on to something because the temperature has risen about
40 degree Celsius in the last week or so! This time last week
we were sitting about -36C (-32F) and now we are supposed
to reach a high today of +5C (41F) which for some of you may
sound cold...but for Manitoba in February...that is almost T-shirt
and shorts weather!
Today's issue includes contributions by: Keli, Cheryl, (P)et, Barb,
Douglas, tom.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
Lets start with a quickie:
What's a redneck Fortune Cookie?
A piece of cornbread with a food stamp baked inside.
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
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------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A wild dog is running through the jungle. While wandering
about he notices a leopard heading in his direction with the
intention of having lunch. The dog thinks, "Boy, I'm in deep
trouble now."
Then he sees some bones on the ground close by, and immed-
iately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to
the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims
loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if
there are any more around here?"
Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, and
he slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard.
"That was close. That dog nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene
from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to
good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So,
he goes chasing after the leopard.
But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great
speed, and figured that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans
and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here
monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to
that conniving canine."
Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his
back, and thinks," What am I going to do now?"
But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to
his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet.
And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says,
"Where's that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent
him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and
he's still not back!"
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over
the years they had shared all kinds of activities and
adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to
meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other
and said, "Now don't get mad at me..... I know we've been
friends for a long time..... but I just can't think of your
name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it.
Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just
stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you
need to know?"
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-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------
We cannot teach people anything. We can only help them discover it within
themselves.
-Galileo Galilei
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Men are like a pack of cards: you need ...
a Heart to love them;
a Diamond to marry them;
a Club to batter them;
and a Spade to bury the bastards.
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Dog/Hoe
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Yoda
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A railway inspector in Arkansas in
the United States was making the
rounds of a railway station and
yard in a small town. He located
Hank, a man who had worked in the
rail yard for almost forty years.
He questioned Hank about various
safety considerations and seemed
to be satisfied that Hank was
genuinely knowledgeable about rail-
way safety. As a last question,
he asked Hank what he would do if
he saw two trains approaching
each other, on the same track,
travelling at speeds of 60 miles
per hour?
Hank said "I'd yell R.T."
The railway inspector, puzzled by
this, asked, "What's R.T."?
Hank said, "R.T.'s my buddy and he
ain't never seen no train wreck
like that would be"!
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
The Queen and Princess Anne are out for a drive
in one of the Queen's Range Rovers. Suddenly some
armed robbers leap out of the bushes and stop the
car. "Give us the money," they shout at the Queen.
"But I'm the Queen of England, I have no need for
money."
"Oh, shit," says the leader of the armed band, and
turns to Anne. "Give us yer jewels."
"But I don't wear my jewels all the time, only on
state occasions."
The armed robbers look fed up, when suddenly they
hear the sound of wailing sirens approaching.
"Quick, out of the car! We'll have the Range Rover
at least," and with that the robbers drive off.
As the Queen and Anne are waiting for the Police
to get there, Anne turns to the Queen, "What did
you do with all the cash you had? You're always
loaded."
"Ah," says the Queen, "I saw the robbers and in
the few seconds before they got to the car I rolled
up my notes and tucked them into that little place
that only women have." Reaching under her skirt, she
produces several thousand pounds in notes.
"And what did you do with your jewels?
You always wear lots of jewellery, my dear." The
Queen says to Anne. "Well, like you, in those few
seconds before the robbers got to the car, I
slipped off my rings, necklaces and tiara, and like
you, slipped them into that little place that only
women have." Reaching down she plucks out her
jewellery.
They both sit quietly for a few minutes, before the
Queen turns to Anne "You know, if Fergie had been
with us, we could still have the Range Rover."
--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------
I wonder why no one ever hacks into porn sites
and puts up religious images?
-------------------------DEAR AGGIE--------------------------------
WOW! Check out the new and exciting picture of Aggie in
her younger days...this picture was just recently "uncovered"
and show a side of Aggie that we haven't seen before...the
picture is located on Aggie's webpage!
Dear Aggie:
how old am i?
]~[
Dear no-name (chicken)....
Um...Old enough to eat cornbread and not choke? How the
hell should I know ???
Old enough to type, and young enough to ask stupid
questions?
*sigh* I am surrounded by displaced village idiots.....
Aggie
NEW...check out Aggie's Webpage at:
<a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/">Dear
Aggie</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Limericks!
A bonny lass from Killicrankie
Whose boy friend suggested hankie-pankie
Said "It's not on today
I'm sorry to say,
My equipment's had too much wankie"
So the boy went off in a huff
Saying "That's a little bit rough,
I'll ask her on Sunday,
Or again on the Monday,
If it's now OK with her muff!"
--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------
Mary went to an antiques store and bought a small, old-fashioned,
kerosene lantern. But when she got it home, she found it infested with
small albino insects that had recently vacated their former home on a
feline. So what did Mary actually have?
Mary had a little lamp. Its fleas were white as snow.
------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------
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Airline Competition
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---------------------GUS SHULTZ DIARY------------------------
Okay nothing much happened this week so this week my diary will be sort of
boring. I did have a cool and awesome dreem though and it was all about
Martha Stewart. I dreemed that I was living with Martha Stewart and she was
cool to live with. She would make lots of food and she was really good at
ironing stuff and cleaning the house and folding napkins perfektly. I think
in my dreem she must have folded at least five hundred napkins. That part of
the dreem was really boring. The only other thing that sucked about the
dreem is I did not see her naked with her clothes off. We did not kiss or
hug or have sex but that was becauze she was too busy running around the
house doing stuff. I asked my girlfrend later if she could make my lunch
like Martha Stewart did and all she did was stare at me really good so I
made my Craft Dinner like I always do. I hope I dreem about Martha Stewart
again becauze it is a lot better than dreeming about Rosanne Barr because
all she did in my dreem was yell at me lots.
Gus Shultz was born in New York City in 1958. He has been
writing columns since hitting puberty in 1976. More columns
by Gus at:http://www.gravetimes.com
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
From the Washington Post Style Invitation, in which it was
postulated that English should have male and female nouns, and
readers were asked to assign a gender to nouns of their choice
and explain their reason.
The best submissions:
SWISS ARMY KNIFE -- male, because even though it appears useful
for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just
opening bottles.
KIDNEYS -- female, because they always go to the bathroom in
pairs.
TIRE -- male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON: male, because to get it to go anywhere you have
to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air
part.
SPONGES -- female, because they are soft and squeezable and
retain water.
WEB PAGE -- female, because it is always getting hit on.
SHOE -- male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue
hanging out.
COPIER -- female, because once turned off, it takes a while to
warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the
right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the
wrong buttons are pushed.
ZIPLOC BAGS -- male, because they hold everything in, but you can
always see right through them.
SUBWAY -- male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people
up.
HOURGLASS -- female, because over time, the weight shifts to the
bottom
HAMMER -- male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5000
years but it's handy to have around.
REMOTE CONTROL -- female...Ha!...you thought I'd say male. But
consider, it gives man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and
while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps
trying.
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Mrs. Johnson the Christian school math teacher was
having children do problems on the blackboard. She
was constantly trying to incorporate Christian themes
in the classroom, but was having trouble making it
work for math until she got some unexpected help from
a student.
"Who would like to do the first problem, addition?"
No one raised their hand. She called on Tommy, and
with some help he finally got it right.
"Who would like to do the second problem, subtraction?"
Students hid their faces. She called on Mark, who got
the problem but there was some suspicion his girlfriend
Lisa whispered it to him.
"Who would like to do the third problem, division?"
Now a low collective groan could be heard as everyone
looked at nothing in particular. The teacher called on
Suzy, who got it right
"Who would like to do the last problem, multiplication?"
Johnny's hand enthusiastically shot up. It surprised
everyone in the room because he had previously been
avoiding participation. The teachers finally gained her
composure in the stunned silence.
"Why the enthusiasm, Johnny?"
He said, "The Bible says to go forth and multiply!"
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
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-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------
An Indian election candidate is promising to create
a government full of corrupt ministers if he is
elected.
Narendra Singh Bhadauria says his Polkhol Party
cabinet would be made up of turncoats and criminals
as an ironic protest at current politicians.
He likes to make campaign speeches with a string of
shoes around his neck and an axe in one hand.
The 52-year-old is contesting an Assembly seat in
the state of Lucknow, reports the Daily Pioneer.
Mr Bhadauria says he wants to draw attention to
politicians who make fools of voters.
He said: "If I get elected, I will beat all other
politicians in producing scandals.
"If I form a Government, my Ministry will have all
turncoats, mafia dons and criminals."
If he reaches the top, he's promised to have a
government of no less than 150 ministers.
Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:news@paulsfunhouse.com
">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A group of U.S. marines arriving in Afganistan found
themselves taking a surprise refresher course on first
aid. Following an involved lesson on making splints,
dressing wounds and applying tourniquets to stop
bleeding, the instructor decided to determine
how well the marine class had grasped the information
given.
"Goldberg ," he said, pointing to one of the marines,
"say you captured Bin Laden and find he has sustained
a minor head wound, what do you do about it?"
"That's easy, Sir," said Goldberg. "I wrap a
tourniquet around his neck and tighten it until the
bleeding stops."
-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------
[||||] T O T H I N E O W N S E L F -- The Bushadmin
paid $3 million to run ads during the Super Bowl that warned drug users
that their illegal purchases are lining the pockets of terrorists. (US
News)
Aimed at people like Jeb Bush's daughter.
Copyright 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A husband and wife were watching the news on television:
The devastation at the World Trade Center; the videos of
different countries around the world crying with Americans
over the events of the past few months; reporters updating
and attempting to analyze political strategy; President
Bush making speeches.
The wife turns to the husband and says,"I'm so thankful
that Bush is our President. He is doing such a wonderful
job."
The husband turns to the wife and says, "Shut up, Tipper!"
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--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A father spoke to his son, "It's time we had a little talk, my
son. Soon, you will have urges and feelings you've never had
before. Your heart will pound & your hands will sweat. You'll be
preoccupied and won't be able to think of anything else."
He added, "But don't worry, it's perfectly normal... it's called
golf."
---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
What do you get when you cross a rooster with an owl?
A cock that stays up all night.
--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------
Who's Going to Hell This Week?
by Helen A. Handbasket
February 4, 2002
With the death of Wall Street Journal writer Daniel Pearl, the Bush plan to
scare journalists away from Pakistan worked out beautifully. Now if he can only
keep them away from the White House.
- Helen -
10. Why is bin Laden still beyond the grasp of our military? How else could the
Patriots win the Superbowl?
9. The Artist Formerly Known as Punxsutawney Phil came out of his mansion and
saw the shadow of his former self which scared him back inside, therefore
predicting two more weeks of publicity.
8. "I've shredded every piece of evidence except for the ones the White
House is protecting by refusing to hand them over to Congress," declared
Satan's "Minion of the Week" Kenneth Lay during one of his nightly
ventures to the land of heat. "As long as Bush holds the fort, I don't see
why I have to testify," he giggled.
7. Russia backed India in the Superbowl of Terror this week, demanding that
Pakistan had a cross-border fowl in the fourth quarter.
6. "As long as we don't know where bin Laden is, we've got a perfect
excuse to invade absolutely anywhere," shouted Colin Powell during one of
his nightly hallucinogenic episodes. "All we have to do is say we thought
bin Laden was there. Iran! Iraq! The Philippines! They're mine, all mine!"
he quipped.
5. Thousands of Turkish Villagers were left homeless by a powerful earthquake.
They spent the freezing night sleeping in the open, wondering why they had to
endure such torment just to get Janet Reno to release her medical records.
4. More than a year after conceding the presidential election, President Al
Gore ended his self-imposed political silence Saturday by finally declaring
"I'm the president. It's time I reclaim what's rightfully mine. I was
swindled and so was the American public. I give the Bush administration 48
hours to vacate the White House."
3. White Comedian Phil Latelic is suing the producers of Comedy Central's
"Heroes of Black Comedy" claiming it was "racial
discrimination" when they wouldn't give him a spot on the show.
2. Alexandre Dumas doesn't give a damn about the success of the latest
cinematic version of "The Count of Monte Cristo" as he suffers under
the eternal lash in the 12th level of hell reserved for authors whose books are
read less than the films based upon them are seen.
And the number one person going to hell this week?
1. Meg Ryan's stalker who is helping push 11 billion in bio-terrorism dollars
through Congress. Way to go, dude!
Personal to Charlie Sheen: Yeah, right.
Personal to Salman Rushdie: Oh shut up.
ARITHMETIC FROM HELL
A $2.12 trillion spending plan times September 11th divided by 17 provisions in
the U.S. energy policy that benefited Enron minus British Airways third-quarter
loss equals every phone call made on a cell phone by a drug dealer in Vietnam
last year times every illegal posting of copyrighted material on the
Internet.divided by every gallon of oil in the Caribbean that our country
covets minus the 18th tee at Pebble Beach plus the love affair between Bill
Gates and Bono.
GOOD IDEA FROM HELL
During his campaign for president, George W. Bush recommended that Social
Security funds be invested in Enron stocks.
QUIZ FROM HELL
The Department of Health and Human Services announced that it was broadening
the definition of a "child" eligible for coverage under the
Children's Health Insurance Program...
a) so previously ineligible low-income women could get prenatal care.
b) to send a message to the Republican Party that they're committed to
undermining abortion rights.
c) to cover up a Bush abortion.
d) to ensure healthy box office for "Black Hawk Down."
NO SHIT, SHERLOCK
A lawyer for Kenneth Lay sent a letter to members of Congress saying that what
he called "inflammatory statements" by several leading congressmen
suggested the hearings would have a "prosecutorial tone."
CHILD SUPPORT FROM HELL
Lisa Kerkorian is asking Kirk Kerkorian for $320,000 per month to support one
girl, including $102,000 a month for food, $144,000 a month for travel and $436
a month for the care of her pet bunny.
JOKES FROM HELL
How many demons writhing in the deepest pit of eternal damnation does it take
to screw in a lightbulb?
None. There are no lightbulbs in hell. (also no baby corn)
Why did the wretched soul suffering the eternal agony of perpetual damnation
wear red suspenders?
Everything in hell is red.
What do Microsoft and the United States of America have in common?
Both their passports let Satan in.
SPORTS COVERAGE FROM HELL
"The Today Show" spent twice as much time covering the commercials
shown during the Superbowl as the game itself.
BUMPERSTICKER FROM HELL
"Eat, Drink and Be Merry, For Tomorrow You May Be Mormon."
- Seen at the Winter Olympics in Utah -
DIET FROM HELL
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
BIPARTISANSHIP FROM HELL
Not one Democrat has been placed in any prominent position on either the war or
homeland security.
THOUGHT FROM HELL
What is the Red Cross REALLY doing with all that blood?
QUOTES FROM HELL
Apparently there was this weatherman who predicted snow but none fell, so the
female news anchor turned to him and said "So Bob, where's that 8 inches
you promised me last night?"
Sholem Aleichem tells the story of a Jewish soldier brought up on charges of
not firing at the enemy. "But I never saw the enemy," he says,"I
just saw people."
- From Kenneth Turan's review of "No Man's Land" -
"A pessimist is someone who thinks things can't get any worse. An optimist
is someone who thinks they can."
- From the Bosnian film "No Man's Land" -
"Things that are empty make a noise,
the full is always quiet.
The fool is like a half-filled pot,
the wise man is like a deep still pool."
- Buddha -
--
Why go to hell when hell can come to you?
Find out at http://mywebpage.netscape.com/gossipfromhell/