------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour Presents------
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->
Grab a seat and get ready to roar in laughter...you have reached
the original home of PUREHUMOUR! In the unlikely event that you
no longer wish to receive the "Best Humour on the Net" then you will
find the unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of every mailing!
So anyway...yesterday I watched the SuperBore! Yes I said
yesterday, MONDAY! We taped the game (there is a game?) so
that we could see the half-time entertainment...U2 Rulz! But we also
taped it for the commercials! I wonder why they even bother to play
the game...when all we want are commercials! Budwieser kicked
ass again with some excellent and very funny commercials...but the
most touching and heart-wrenching moment occurred when the
Budwieser Clydesdales bowed to the people of New York! You have
to give it to the American people...the event exuded patriotism from
beginning to end...and I think Paul McCartney said it best when he
stated how fitting it would be if a team called the Patriots won the
biggest football game of the year! Well Paul...you got your wish...
the Patriots won...and the USA is stronger still!
Today's issue includes contributions by: Stan and Rubin. Rubin is
a huge contributor to Purehumour and without him and many others,
Purehumour would not be possible. Rubin...I salute and thank you
for your many contributions and hope you continue to send me many
more!
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
Lets start with a quickie:
Did you hear about the guy who scheduled an appointment with
an impotence clinic?
He choose to cancel because something came up!
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
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------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------
Today's issue is brought to you by:
NOW! You can finally own some truly unique and beautiful
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Sadie had been widowed for a few years and very
lonely, and finally consented to going out on a date
with Morris, the gentleman her daughter fixed her up
with.
Morris picked up her and they went on a picnic in a
very secluded spot. Morris also had been widowed for a
long time and found himself very attracted to Sadie,
and despite her resistance at first to his advances,
he finally was able to make love to her.
Sadie was mortified at her lack of self control and
sobbed "I don't know how I can face my daughter,
knowing in a time of weakness, I sinned twice!"
Morris said "What do you mean "twice" we only did it
once?"
Sadie looked at Morris and said, "...Well, you're
going to do it again, aren't you?"
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Morris bought a Lamborghini. However, after buying it, he feels a
bit guilty. So, he goes to the Rabbi of the Orthodox synagogue in
his town and asks for a mezuzah for the Lamborghini.
"You want a mezuzah for what?" the Rabbi asks.
"It's a Lamborghini," the man replies.
"What's a Lamborghini?" asks the Rabbi.
"A car, an Italian sports car."
'What? That is blasphemy!" the Rabbi shouts. "You want a
mezuzah for a goyish sports car? Go to the Conservatives!"
Well, Morris is disappointed, but he waits a few days and finally
goes to the Conservative Rabbi and asks for a mezuzah.
"You want a mezuzah for what?" the Rabbi asks.
'It's a Lamborghini," the man replies.
"What's a Lamborghini?" asks the Rabbi.
"A car, an Italian sports car."
"What? Are you crazy ?" the Rabbi shouts. "You want a mezuzah
for a sports car? Go to the Reform Rabbi!"
Again, the man feels guilty and disappointed, but he really wants to
put a mezuzah on the door of his new car. So Morris goes to the
Reform Rabbi.
"Rabbi," he asks, "I'd like a mezuzah for my Lamborghini."
'You have a Lamborghini?" asks the Rabbi.
"You know what it is?" says the Morris.
Of course! It's a fantastically expensive Italian sports car.
But what's a mezuzah?", the Rabbi asks....
----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL--------------------
The last minute bugs are coming out of my website...so
the poll still has not been updated!
Check it out:
<a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/">Poll</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/
-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------
"This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her
snatch this morning and it was amazing."
-Pat Glenn - Weightlifting Commentator
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
The bases are loaded...
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loaded...</a>
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McNuggets!!
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
How to speak about Women and be politically correct:
1. She is not dumb -
She is a detour off the information superhighway.
2. She has not "been around" -
She is a previously enjoyed companion.
3. She is not an airhead -
She is reality impaired.
4. She does not get drunk or tipsy -
She gets chemically inconvenienced.
5. She is not "hot to trot" -
She is sexually focused.
6. She does not have implants -
She is medically enhanced.
7. She does not nag you -
She is merely verbally repetitive.
8. She is not "easy" -
She is sexually extroverted.
9. She does not have major league hooters -
She is pectorally superior.
10. She is not a two-bit whore -
She is a low cost provider.
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Uncle Sam Wants you
<a href="http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-1&R=2-10-1">Click</a>
http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-1&R=2-10-1
Lost Your Head?
<a href="http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-2&R=2-10-1">Click</a>
http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-2&R=2-10-1
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
How to speak about Men and be politically correct:
1. He does not have a beer gut -
He has developed a liquid grain storage facility.
2. He is not a bad dancer -
He is overly Caucasian.
3. He does not "get lost all the time" -
He investigates alternative destinations.
4. He is not balding -
He is in follicle regression.
5. He is not a "cradle robber" -
He simply prefers generationally differential relationships.
6. He does not get falling-down drunk -
He becomes accidentally horizontal.
7. He does not act like a perfect, total ass -
He develops a case of rectal-cranial inversion (besides, no
one is perfect ... least of all him!).
8. He is not a male chauvinist pig -
He has swine empathy.
9. He is not afraid of commitment -
He is monogamously challenged.
10. He is not vulgar -
He is etiquette deprived.
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Anni: I can't understand why men are so afraid
of commitment!
Keli: Tell me about it! I lived with one guy for a year
and a half, and I finally had to give him an ultimatum.
Anni: What did you say?
Keli: I just told him, "Look, either you tell me
your last name, or get your shit out of my house !"
--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------
If you ever tax your brain....ask for change.
-------------------------DEAR AGGIE--------------------------------
Dear Aggie
LOVE YOUR LETTERS
lostboyhere
]~[
Dear sycophant boy....
Thank you for the compliment. Don't touch me, I've seen your kind !
Aggie
EDITOR'S NOTE: It has been brought to my attention that Aggie is
NOT interested in dating anyone at the current time...her lifelong
companion (Bruno) has made it clear to me that any attempts by
anyone to take his Aggie away will be met with brutal and harsh
punishment...and when Aggie is finished...Bruno will get his
shot at you!
NEW...check out Aggie's Webpage at:
<a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/">Dear
Aggie</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
The poor voter...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.551
">The poor
voter...</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.551
Just what it says.
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.552
">Just what it
says.</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.552
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Morris gets a new dog and can't wait to show him off to his neighbor.
So when the neighbor comes over, the guy calls
the dog into the house, bragging about how smart
he is.
The dog quickly comes running and stands looking
up at his master, tail wagging furiously, mouth
open, tongue hanging out, eyes bright with
anticipation.
Morris points to the newspaper on the couch and
commands, "FETCH!"
Immediately, the dog climbs onto the couch and
sits. His tail wagging, stops and the doggie-smile
disappears.
Looking balefully up at his master, he says in a
whiney voice..... "You think this is easy wagging
my tail all the time? Oy! It hurts from so much
wagging! And you think that designer dog food
you're feeding me is good? You try it. It's dreck!
Too salty! And what do you care? You just push me
out the door to take a squirt twice a day. I can't
even remember the last time you took me out for a
good walk in the park."
The neighbor is amazed. "What the heck? Do you
realize your dog is sitting there talking!!"
"I know," explains the dog owner. "He's young and
I'm still training him. He thought I said KVETCH."
--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------
Pig farmers have never done well in the United States. Most Americans
prefer beef to pork. Hamburger is an American favorite but contains no ham.
The porcine raisers were hopeful to see a significant increase in their
business after the scares about health over beef, but most of the
benefits had gone to the poultry and fish industries, Sale of ham and
bacon remained virtually unchanged.
Because of this, The National Porcine Association hired a major Madison
Avenue advertising firm to boost sale of pork products. They decided on
an intensive campaign to saturate magazines television and radio with
ads urging people to eat pork patties.
The campaign was given an extra boost when Congress was convinced to
designate the second of February as the day when every family would be
urged to eat pork sausage.
That day would be celebrated nationally, of course, as Ground Hog Day.
------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------
Border Patrol
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Coke Bears
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-------------------------A DOG'S WORLD------------------------
A Dog's World is a continuing story that will appear in each
Tuesday edition...miss a segment?...then check out the
archives at: http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj
The pack whispered softly to amongst themselves as they
watched farmer Merrill carry some fruit down into the
basement.
Ralph, the pit bull spoke quickly, "When he comes up, I'll
attack him on the stairs. Then we can get in the basement
and we're home free."
"Don't you think he'll be a bit upset and very suspicious?"
Asked Porky.
"Don't worry, I'll make sure he doesn't bother us." Replied
Ralph.
Copyright 2001-02 D. Scott
Check out more at: http://www.humorcorner.com
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
There was a Chinese father who was very close to his son. They used to
go everywhere together including looking for "chicken" (Chinese slang
for
prostitute).
One day, the son decided to go overseas for study. The father was very
supportive, and before his son left, the father told him,
"We cannot look for chicken together for the next few years. However,
if you need to look for chicken, please go ahead and I will pay for it.
But please state the expense as 'Shooting Bird' so that your mother
will not suspect."
So the son left, and after a month, the father received the bill from the
son......(shooting bird - $500).
Subsequently, and for the next few months, the bill for shooting bird is
more than $1000. Well, the father could not tolerate this, so he wrote
to his son.
"Son, you have been shooting too expensive bird, try some
cheaper one".
A month later, the father received another bill from his son. On it he
had written:
Shooting Bird - $50
Rifle Repair - $2,000
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A guy offers to buy a drink for an attractive young woman seated at a
bar. She gives him the green light, so he goes to the end of the bar and
whispers to the bartender to make up a Martini for her and to put some
Spanish-fly in the drink. The bartender whispers back to say he's all
out of Spanish-fly and all he has left is Jewish-fly.
Shrugging his shoulders, the guy says, OK, put some of that in her
drink. As she sips on the drink, she gets more and more cozy, really
warming up to the guy. Finally, she finishes the drink, leans over
and whispers in his ear, .....Let's go shopping.
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Fun at work...
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-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------
EDITOR'S NOTE: I, along with many of the major Internet
news services was bamboozled over the last couple of weeks
by a couple of stories that were really weird ... BUT not true...
thanks to dedicated reader (P)et for pointing these errors out
to me...you can find the truth behind the death in the strip
club at: http://www.snopes.com/horrors/freakish/stripper.htm
AND the truth behind the woman stuck in an airline toilet seat
at: http://www.snopes.com/travel/airline/toilet.htm
I apologize for NOT checking these stories for their validity...
but when you find them listed on the major Internet news
sites you *think* that they are true! Yahoo, Ananova and
other news sites were also running these stories that seem
to have originated with the tabloid Weekly World News.
------
HOPEFULLY this story is true!
Police in Peru arrested a gang trying to smuggle 200
chickens stuffed with cocaine into a prison.
They were seized as they tried to enter Lima's San
Pedro prison.
The plucked chickens were found to contain a total
of 10 kilos of cocaine.
Police believe the gang was working in partnership
with a guard at the prison.
Terra Populares reports that police suspect the same
gang has smuggled drink, cigarettes and guns into
the prison in the past.
Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:news@paulsfunhouse.com
">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" mailto:weirdnewsweekly-subscribe@topica.com
">WNW</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------
[||||] C O N O R C O N N I E ? -- A male convict in
Boston serving life for wife murder is suing the Department of
Corrections to pay for his sex change operation. (AP)
While the new organ is kicking in, he'd like to be put up at
a halfway house.
Copyright 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Some "Not So Famous" Last Words-Oooops!
"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered
as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to
us." --
Western Union internal memo, 1876.
"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who
would pay
for a message sent to nobody in particular?" -- David Sarnoff's associates
in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.
"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better
than a ' C,' the idea must be feasible." -- A Yale University management
professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight
delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)
"Who the h*** wants to hear actors talk?" -- H.M. Warner, Warner
Brothers,
1927
"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not
Gary Cooper." -- Gary Cooper, on his decision to not take the leading
role in "Gone With The Wind."
"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports
say
America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make."
--
Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.
"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." --
Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." -- Lord Kelvin,
president, Royal Society, 1895.
"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The
literature was full of examples that said you can't do this." --
Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M
"Post-It" Notepads.
"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even
built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us?
Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary,
we'll come
work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard,
and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college
yet.'" -- Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get
Atari
and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.
"You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all
of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life.
You just
have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of
weight training." -- Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the
"unsolvable"
problem by inventing Nautilus.
"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find
oil? You're
crazy." -- Drillers whom Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist in his
project to
drill for oil in 1859.
"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." --
Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.
"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." --
Marechal
Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.
"Everything that can be invented has been invented." --
Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.
"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction". --
Pierre Pachet,
Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872.
"No flying machine will ever fly from New York to Paris." --
Orville Wright.....Famous 'Last' Words
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--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
After discovering her young daughter playing doctor with
the neighbor's boy, the angry mother grabbed the boy by
the ear and dragged him to his house and confronted his
mother.
"It's only natural for young boys and girls to explore their
sexuality by playing doctor at their age." the neighbor said.
"Sexuality my ass!" The mother yelled. "He took out her
appendix!"
---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
What's the difference between the government and the Mafia?
One of them is organized.
--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------
<Erik's column is unavailable this week...so we bring you a
rerun of a column from last year!>
e-English Is NOT a Second Language
by Erik Deckers
Since the near-demise of the dotcom industry, Erik has been laughing at
the paper billionaires who now have to go back and live with their
parents. And because he's out of the office this week, we're reprinting
a column where he whines and complains about the state of the English
language thanks to the folks in the e-commerce business.
Yesterday, I had occasion to be in Chicago at a trade show on Customer
Relationship Management (e-commerce for those of you who don't speak
e-business). Since I don't speak the e-commerce language -- at least I
didn't until I received a crash course on it at the show -- everything
was very confusing at first. People who work in e-commerce and
e-marketing don't speak English. They speak a version of English they
created themselves, that only they can understand. Think of Jodie
Foster's "Nell" with a computer.
As I walked around the exposition, I heard words that, by themselves,
were very familiar to me, but when used in that context, sounded as
strange as a Russian speaking Pig Latin. Terms like "permission-based
marketing," "date warehousing," "PRM," and
"ERP" flew past my head like
bullets on a Los Angeles freeway.
After figuring out what everyone was talking about, I finally came to
one conclusion: these e-business people PURPOSELY make things more
complicated than they need to be. Recently, I wrote a column on how
computer geeks were making the English language worse by speaking in
abbreviations. They were trying to shorten the language so talking would
take less time. E-business people, however, want to make themselves
smarter, and so they will actually expand a single word to a two or
three word term, or use a synonym to make it sound cool. These are the
people who use the word "paradigm" when they mean "way," as
in "Gosh
honey, this corn dog is a whole new paradigm for lunch consumption."
These people don't have phone calls, they "dialog" with each other.
They
don't meet with each other, they "interface." You no longer
"give people
incentives," you "incent" them. Since when did normal, everyday
nouns
become verbs?
In the e-speak world, "data warehousing" is another term for
"storing
data," "Customer Relationship Management" or "CRM" is
another way to say
"customer list," and "Customer Relationship Management
Solution" is
e-business speak for "list software" or "a database."
But the promotional fliers and literature that "created negative space
in my postal hard copy receptacle" (arrived in my mailbox) used words
and phrases that would have had Ernest Hemingway -- a writer notorious
for using short sentences -- spinning in his "mortal remains containment
box."
As I walked around the expo, I wondered what Hemingway would have done
if he had been an e-business copywriter in the 1990s. For one thing, he
would have drunk a lot more than he did.
On one promotional card I received, I read "ABC's Partner Relationship
Management Solution lets you drive revenue by integrating your partners
into your eBusiness strategy." I imagined how Hemingway, or any normal
English speaker, would have rewritten it.
"ABC's PRM software lets you make more money by merging your customers
into your eBusiness plan." Admittedly it doesn't sound as e-geeky as the
first one, but it was a whoooooole lot easier to understand (maybe they
did that on purpose).
Another one that nearly caused me to drop my complimentary coffee was
from a consulting firm from New Jersey. The words just sort of slithered
off the page:
"XYZ doesn't just provide consulting services, we provide proven
methodologies and change enablement strategies to improve the total
implementation solution in your organization." What the heck are
"change
enablement strategies?!" Isn't that another way to say "plans"
or "plans
for change?" What they took 23 words to say, Hemingway could have
written in 15:
"We're not just consultants. We have proven methods to help you use our
new solution."
"Coordinate and maximize efficacy of multi-channel communications!"
shouted another promotional card.
"Use different communication forms well!" hollered Hemingway.
I stopped at one booth to ask about the price for their sales automation
software, also known as Customer Relationship Management software.
"It costs $2500 per seat," I was told.
"But we don't want a seat. Why does she want you to buy a chair. We've
got perfectly good chairs at the office," Hemingway hissed in my ear.
"What do you mean by a seat?" I asked. By this time of the day, I
knew
enough e-speak to know what she meant, but I couldn't let this one go.
"A seat is a license," the CRM sales engineer said.
"License of what?" I continued.
"A license is also a copy," she sighed.
"Then why don't you just call it a copy?" I asked.
The stunned look on her face told me I had won a small victory, and I
beat a hasty retreat before she exploded like the computers on Star Trek
that Kirk always destroyed by using common sense logic. If only
Hemingway and I had the power to do that to the copywriters who had
spewed all that linguistic garbage on the attendees.
I began to feel badly for all the people who worked in that industry day
after day. I worried about how they spoke to their friends and family
who had no idea what a computer was for, let alone what they did for a
living. Luckily, I wasn't there long enough for any of their verbal
contortionism to affect me. I called it a complete circadian time
period, headed back to my automotive transportation vehicle, and made
the lengthy motorized journey back to my family containment unit.
--
Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night
he dons a cape and mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime
so much as he just runs around his house making kung fu noises.
He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of him. At other
times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.