<------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour Presents------>
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->
Grab a seat and get ready to roar in laughter...you have reached
the original home of PUREHUMOUR! In the unlikely event that you
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find the unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of every mailing!
Lets say you got former Pres. Clinton into a room in a one on one
interview, and in that interview Clinton comes (no pun intended) clean
about his crimes of the past...all his affairs...that nasty business with
Monica...and that wild night with Al Gore that no one knows about...I
promised I would never reveal that! Anyway...so basically this is
the interview of a lifetime...would you air the interview? No shit
Sherlock...it doesn't take a rocket scientist to say YES! So what
the heck was that Arabic television network thinking when they held
back the Bin Laden tape and didn't air it because "It wasn't news-
worthy!"...WHAT? You have the world's most wanted man in a one
on one interview where he basically admits to the charges against
him and you say it isn't news-worthy! Bin Laden could sit there
reading Penthouse Letters to us and it would be news-worthy! Makes
no sense to me...but then again...nothing in the Middle East has
made sense to me for years!
Today's issue includes contributions by: Barb, Pat, Donna, Patricia
Anni, Jamie, Rubin, Keli, Lee.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
Lets start with a quickie:
Why is sex with your wife like eating at McDonald's?
It's always the same thing and afterwards, you swear you'll never do it
again.
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Down and out...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.537
">Down and
out...</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.537
The REAL happy meal.
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.538
">The REAL happy
meal.</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.538
------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A couple is having an argument. The husband yells,
"When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads,
Here Lies My Wife Cold As Ever."
"Yeah" she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a
headstone that reads, Here Lies My Husband Stiff
At Last."
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
I had forgotten to get my estrogen patch prescription
refilled, and soon the symptoms of menopause--hot
flashes, forgetfulness,irritability--returned.
At the drugstore, I found myself telling the
pharmacist all about my problems. After listening
patiently, he asked, "So, how many people asked you to
get this refilled?"
----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL----------------------
Still working on it!
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-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------
Never fear shadows. They simply mean there's
a light shining somewhere nearby."
-Ruth E. Renkel
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Taking the piggie to the bank
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.539
">Taking the
piggie to the bank</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.539
Getting TP'd.
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.540
">Getting
TP'd.</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.540
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
"The Rules of Combat"
1. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
2. Incoming fire has the right of way.
3. Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire.
4. The easy way is always mined.
5. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
6. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
7. The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions:
a. When you're ready for them.
b. When you're not ready for them.
8. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.
9. If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you.
10. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
11. Don't draw fire, it irritates the people around you.
12. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming
friendly fire.
13. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
14. If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.
15. When in doubt empty the magazine.
16. Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you.
17. Anything you do can get you shot. Including doing nothing.
18. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out.
19. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
20. A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a
plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
21. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever
volunteer to do anything.
22. The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small.
23. Five second fuses only last three seconds.
24. It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you
just bombed.
------------------------TOON TIME--------------------------------
Inner-city driving
<a href="http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-29&R=2-10-1">Click</a>
http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-29&R=2-10-1
Surfin the web
<a href="http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-30&R=2-10-1">Click</a>
http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-30&R=2-10-1
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Little Johnny comes home from first grade and tells his father that
they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's
day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God
get
mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
Johnny's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get
mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," Johnny says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden," his father asks in shock.
"Well," Johnny says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish
boy
could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start
to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people
a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to
Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over
the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he
didn't hate anyone anymore."
His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride.
"Johnny, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," Johnny says, "and once that gets him out in the open,
the
Marines could blow him to pieces."
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A young Japanese girl had been taught all her life,
that when she married she was to please her husband
and never upset him. So the first morning of her
honeymoon, when the young Japanese bride crawled out
of bed after making love and she stooped down to pick
up her husband's clothes, she accidentally lets wind.
She looked up and said: "Excuse please, front hole so
happy back hole laugh out loud."
--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------
The perfect t-shirt to get a man's attention:
"Let go of my ears, I know what I'm doing!"
-------------------------DEAR AGGIE--------------------------------
Dear Aggie:
Why is Showtime being a butthead and not showing new episodes of Stargate,
SG1. One of their more popular shows?
Snuffles D Bear
]~[
Dear Snufflies.....
I regret that I cannot answer your question with authority, As my DuMont set
only goes up to channel 6. I suggest you go find a Star Trek chat room and ask
there.
Also, you might consider a lease with an option to buy on a life.
Aggie
A note to my Dear Readers.... Might a few more of you get off your collective
fannies and send in more questions? The pickings have been mighty slim lately.
Also, you should know that my answers to you appear about 2 weeks after I send
them in to my dear nephew, the Grand Pooh-Bah Paul. But I do answer all
questions, so do send more in ! Also, I'm beginning to wonder about my stalker
in Maryland. I have not heard from her in some time, and am concerned she might
be making her way to My palatial double-wide estate....
NEW...check out Aggie's Webpage at:
<a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/">Dear
Aggie</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Modern families...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.541
">Modern
families...</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.541
Check the numbers...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.542
">Check the
numbers...</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.542
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
In a recent survey on why some men are homosexual, 82 percent of the
men surveyed responded that either genetics or home environment was
the principal factor.
The remaining 18 percent of those that responded revealed that they
had been sucked into it.
--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------
<A Classic Groaner!>
Two robins were lying on their backs, basking in the sun.
A mama cat and her kitten were walking by. The kitten complained,
"Mama, I'm soooo hungry, what can we eat?"
To which the mama cat, spying the two birds, replied, "
How about some ... Baskin Robbins?"
------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------
Dog /Hoe
<a href="http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-2-1&R=2-10-1">Click</a>
http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-2-1&R=2-10-1
Yoda
<a href="http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-2-2&R=2-10-1">Click</a>
http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-2-2&R=2-10-1
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
"Sometimes I call my husband 'Q'," Anni told Keli.
"Why's that?" Keli asked. "Is he some kinda superguy like that
man
on Star Trek?"
"No," said Anni, "he's a big fat zero with a little dick hangin'
down."
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
In all English speaking countries the basic identities all women would be
completely worthless without men. There is just absolutely no way around
it!
Because without men, women would just be a big bunch of "WO's"!
So all of
you women's rights advocates out there, as well as all of you other women,
better be extra nice to us men, or else we may just decide not to let you use
our words -- "man" and "men" -- any longer. Then
where would you be?
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Grandpa is stuck...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.543
">Grandpa is
stuck...</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.543
Take me to your leader.
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.544
">Take me to
your leader.</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.544
-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------
Thai schools are offering sex education courses
for 'inexperienced' parents.
The country's Public Health Ministry is organising
the one-day courses in Bangkok.
Officials say many children are turning to
pornographic videos, magazines and the internet for
information because their parents don't know enough.
Public Health Minister, Sudarat Keyuraphan, says
recent research has found 17% of parents know little
about issues such as abortion, safe sex and HIV.
She told the Bangkok Post: "Parents today lack
information and experiences to teach their children."
She says too many parents rely on schools to teach
their children about sex.
The courses start at secondary schools in 50 Bangkok
districts next month. The project will be extended to
all schools in Thailand within two years.
Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:news@paulsfunhouse.com
">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" mailto:weirdnewsweekly-subscribe@topica.com
">WNW</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
An Indian fell into an outhouse and got trapped for a very long time.
After a long time a man came and fished him out. The man asked the
Indian how long he had been in there.
The Indian replied, I've seen many moons!
-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------
[||||] B A R B I E D O E S D A L L A S ? -- The Hustler
Store in Hollywood is selling the Jenna Jameson action figure,
guaranteed to be an anatomically correct image of the pornster. (LA
Daily News)
Mattel has issued an order canceling all passes and
restricting all GI Joe dolls to their boxes.
Copyright 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
The preacher was preaching with all his might. The subject was
SIN, and he was most certainly 'against' sin.
A girl, with a wonderful figure, and not nearly enough clothes to
hide much skin, came in late. She strode down the center aisle,
close to the front, and sat down.
It was plain to the preacher that he had lost the men in his
audience to this voluptuous sex-object.
He shook a fist at her and said, "You are the Jezebel the good
book tells us about. You have got the mind of every man in
this building on evil thoughts and not good thoughts. But I
am a man of God! You don't affect me, and right now up in Heaven,
you fallen woman.....Saint Finger is shaking his Peter at you!!"
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--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Police lineup...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.545
">Police
lineup...</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.545
A nose for the Mr. Snowman.
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.546
">A nose for the
Mr. Snowman.</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.546
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Wendy had a birthday coming and her husband James
wanted to know what she desired.
Wendy said she'd like to have a big Jaguar.
James didn't think it was best for her.
But, Wendy begged and begged until James gave in and got
her a big one.
It ate her.
---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
What would it take for a man to respect a woman's mind?
Have it bounce gently as she walks down the street.
--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------
Who's Going to Hell This Week?
by Helen A. Handbasket
January 28, 2002
The rain's been dropping like ex-Enron executives with a 45. Satan hates the
rain so he's been undercover, keeping dry. Nothing like an open spit full of
disemboweled corporate types to warm up the cockles. Anyone got any
marshmallows?
- Helen -
10. Pakistanis kidnapped a Wall Street Journal reporter, making their demands
known from kidnapperguy@hotmail.com. Let 'em know what you think. Forward this
column.
9. Jerusalem had it's first female suicide bomber. You go, girl.
8. You can imagine what Beelzebub thinks of Pippi Longstocking. He's been
waiting for Pippi's creator, Astrid Lindgren, for a long time. I can't wait to
see the videos.
7. "Will everyone please get off Maria Carey's case?" pleads Benito
Mussolini from the 2nd level of hell. "I thought 'Glitter' was a trenchant
and brilliantly enigmatic vision of the life of a superstar," explains the
pudgy ex-dictator. "And if anyone deserves $28 million to stop singing,
it's her."
6. Paul Lynde's rebirth as Marjon the Lion in the Kabul Zoo is finally at an
end and he's back in the fiery pit where he awaits rebirth as a poodle.
5. 7,000 attorneys have themselves circumcised on the same day the Pope
declares that Catholic lawyers should refuse to take on divorce cases.
Coincidence? I don't think so.
4. O.J. Simpson's girlfriend's dead cat is now hanging out with Lassie.
3. George W. Bush hasn't said anything stupid in a week. Beyonc Knowles keeps
flubbing her lines on the set of the new Austin Powers film. Connect the dots.
2. Kim Delaney was arrested for drunk driving, foiling her plot to steal an
airplane and crash it into Rosie O'Donnell.
And the number one person going to hell this week?
1. Why did Kenneth Lay resign from Enron? It was that or transfer to Guantanamo
Bay.
Personal to Mike Tyson: When I said bite me, I meant bite ME.
Personal to Andre: Put up or shut up.
ARITHMETIC FROM HELL
6 wounded Arab fighters barricaded for 50 days times the amount of shame
Germany is feeling after being chastised by The European Commission equals 40
million people living with HIV or AIDS times Bush's 9% spending increase
divided by all the weapons grade hoof-and-mouth in Wisconsin.
HUH?
The man who lost the election refuses to hand over the White House's energy
policy files to Congress because it would mean "defiling the
presidency."
QUIZ FROM HELL
John Walker Lindh...
a) Understands the charges against him
b) Doesn't understand the charges against him
c) Will be played by Judd Nelson in the MOW
SIGNS OF THE COMING APOCALYPSE
An unwashed glass from which Britney Spears drank orange juice during an
interview is touring Germany.
An Arizona couple have been arrested on charges of leaving their Christmas
lights up for too long.
Lisa Beamer, wife of Flight 93 hero Todd Beamer, has trademarked his dying
phrase, "Let's roll."
WHAT?
A Dutch study found drinking moderate amounts of alcohol may ward off
Alzheimer's disease.
QUOTES FROM HELL
"This is war."
- George W. Bush -
"They are prisoners."
- Dick Cheney -
"They are not POW's."
- Donald Rumsfeld -
MILLIONAIRE'S SONG FROM HELL
Keep it All for Me
I don't care about your problems
You can keep them on the shelf
It's a shame that you've got nothing
When I've got so much myself
I will only use the Caymans
To a reasonable degree
You can't touch my frozen assets
I will keep it all for me.
Keep it all for me, boys
Keep it all for me
Everyone can go to hell
Keep it all for me
Blame it on insider trading
I know so much more than you
You can pig out at McDonalds
I'll eat chicken cordon bleu
If you've got a hundred million
You need several million more
If you keep the bottom line
As your only paramour
Keep it all for me, boys
Keep it all for me
Everyone can go to hell
Keep it all for me
--
Why go to hell when hell can come to you?
Find out at http://mywebpage.netscape.com/gossipfromhell/