<------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour Presents------>
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->
Grab a seat and get ready to roar in laughter...you have reached
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HUGE APOLOGIES TO EVERYONE! Just after sending out my
ezine on Tuesday...my website and email went up in a huge cloud
of smoke! I am currently weighing my options as to where I will
be hosting my site! The new site was up and running and in the
testing stages when the crash occurred! The internet is such a
funny place...we *expect* it to run smoothly and then all hell
breaks lose without any warning! Currently I have no idea whether
my site is live or dead...you can try to click the links but in some
regions the site will work and in others it will not! If you have sent
any email in the last couple of days...I probably didn't receive it...so
please resend it! I didn't publish an issue on Wednesday because
I am still reeling from this...just when you think you are moving into
a better location...everything falls apart!
With the crash of my website and email...I may have lost some of
the messages about Beta Testers for the New Purehumour lists...
so if you are interested in being a beta tester and helping me make
sure that the new Purehumour list runs smoothly...please send an
email to:
<a href="mailto:beta@paulsfunhouse.com">Beta
Test</a>
NEW: More of what you love...I have doubled the number of toons in
each issue...click away and have a few more laughs!
Today's issue includes contributions by: SunAmy, Marina, Donna,
StrSweeper, Stan, Ishy, Laura, Rubin, Carroll, Pat, Jamie.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
Lets start with a quickie:
What is the definition of a Jewish menage a trois?
Two headaches and a hard-on
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Tom Wanks new flic...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.527
">Tom Wanks new
flic...</a>
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Revealed at last...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.528
">Revealed at
last...</a>
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------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Someone in our neighborhood put a huge sofa out by the curb for
trash collection. Since it was in good shape, many motorists
slowed down for a look. But when they saw how enormous it was,
they'd leave.
Eventually a compact car pulled up, and two men got out.
"This I've got to see," I thought.
They removed the cushions, turned the sofa upside down, and
shook it hard. Then they picked up all the coins that tumbled
out and drove off.
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Why are vibrators better than men?
* A vibrator doesn't have an orgasm first and then just stop
"vibrating."
* Vibrators are never too busy watching the game on tv.
* Batteries are cheaper than pick up trucks!!
* When we're done with them we can stuff them back in the
drawer and not hear from them until we're ready.
* It's happy to keep going until we're satisfied.
* We can get a bigger one or one that has better options
whenever we want without being called a slut.
* Position is your choice, not his.
* It always is hard.
* It doesn't leave a mess behind.
* You don't have to wear an ill fitting teddy to excite it.
* It doesn't care that you gained 10 lbs.
* It doesn't fall asleep and snore in your ear afterwards.
* You don't have to clean up the apartment before bringing it home.
* Vibrators are better then men because ...
* They don't get tired after the first time
* They never poke you in the back in the morning to see if you
are in the mood.
* Vibrators are better then men because in the morning you
don't have to fix it breakfast.
* Safe sex without a rubber
* A couple batteries and you don't have to put up with the shit,
just turn it off when you get done with it !
* As long as you have a new pack of energizers the vibrator can
keep going and going and going!(while you keep coming and coming!)
* Vibrators are portable so you can do it anytime, anywhere you want!!
* They don't burp, fart, belch or fall asleep on you.
* You don't have to dress up for your vibrator.
* You can show it off to your friends.
* They never wake up at 4 a.m. asking for another one
* It doesn't leave a wet spot.
* It can be stashed away in a drawer.
* It doesn't have a mother!!
* It doesn't require "a little lip action" to get hard.
* You know exactly where it's been.
* Vibrators don't care if you get crumbs in the bed.
* They never come before you do.
----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL----------------------
You can try it...but who knows if it will work! ;)
Check out the poll at:
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-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools.
Let's start with typewriters.
-Solomon Short
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Water skiing...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.529
">Water
skiing...</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.529
Under pressure...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.530
">Under
pressure...</a>
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Three women die together in an accident and go to Heaven. When they get
there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in Heaven...don't
step on the ducks."
So they enter Heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the
place. It's almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try
their
best to avoid them the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along
comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them
together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend
eternity
chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, along comes
St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly
man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first
woman.
The third woman has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for
all eternity to an ugly man, is very, very careful where she steps. She
manages to go months without stepping on any ducks.
One day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she Ever
laid eyes on...very tall, tan, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chained them
together without saying a word. The woman remarks, " I wonder what I did
to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?" The guy says, "I
don't
know about you, but I stepped on a duck."
------------------------TOON TIME--------------------------------
Space Walker
<a href="http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-25&R=2-10-1">Click</a>
http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-25&R=2-10-1
Early Acupuncture
<a href="http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-26&R=2-10-1">Click</a>
http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-26&R=2-10-1
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Did you know .........
* It is impossible to lick your elbow.
* A crocodile can't stick it's tongue out.
* A shrimp's heart is in it's head.
* It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the
sky.
* A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
* Between 1937 and 1945, Heinz produced a version of
Alphabetic Spaghetti especially for the German market. It consisted solely of
little pasta swastikas.
* More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or
received a telephone call.
* Rats and horses can't vomit.
* The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be
the toughest tongue twister in the English language.
* If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try
to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck
and die. If you keep your eyes open by force, they can pop out.
* Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could
have over a million descendants.
* Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the
bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
* If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does
Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations,
implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any
contact
with extraterrestrial or their vehicles?
* In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
* The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
* Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for
dating are already married.
* A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
* 23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by
people sitting on them and photocopying their buttocks.
* In the course of an average lifetime you will, while
sleeping, eat 70 assorted insects and 10 spiders.
* Most lipstick contains fish scales.
* Cat's urine glows under a black-light.
* Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.
* Over 75% of people who read this will try to lick their
elbow. -- DID YOU??
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
The little girl had just listened to her mother's reading
one of her favorite fairy tales.
"Mommy," asked the child, "do all fairy tales begin with
"Once Upon a Time...?""
"No, dearest," replied the mother, "sometimes they start
with 'Darling, I have to work a little late at the office
tonight..."
--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------
You don't need a parachute to skydive....
You need a parachute to skydive twice
-------------------------DEAR AGGIE--------------------------------
Dear Aggie:
I have a major crush on this man that comes into my office
periodically. We always make eye contact and smile at each other.
Is it
alright for me to make the first verbal move? I am from a generation
that men make that first move and it terrifies me. What and how should I
handle this? He is a dreamboat! I fantasize about him all the time.
HELP
Antoinette
]~[
Dear Antoinette
Oh, but Aggie does love simple questions.....The next time he walks by your
desk,
grab his crotch (GENTLY!).....no, really...Say something noncommittal, like
"I could just kiss you!" After he does something for you. The trick
is to
maintain eye contact after saying it. Sic 'em, girl ! I have to go and practice
what I preach now...big bingo game tonite....
Aggie
NEW...check out Aggie's Webpage at:
<a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/">Dear
Aggie</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Naughty Bunny...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.531
">Naughty
Bunny...</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.531
Stretching things...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.532
">Stretching
things...</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.532
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was
very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get
some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her
keys in the car.
She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what
had happened. The baby sitter told her that her the fever was getting worse.
She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the
door."
The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been
thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or
other had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and
said, "I don't know how to use this."
So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five
minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who
was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "This
is
what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very
thankful.
The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, "Yes,
my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked
my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger
to unlock my car?"
He said, "Sure". He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute
the
car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank
You So Much! You are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison
today.
I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud,
"Oh,Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"
--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------
Cross-country races have become very popular in the United States and
are dominated by drivers who are good sportsmen. Because of this drivers
of high tech sports cars such as Porches and Ferrari's usually give a
substantial head-start to those drivers with low priced General Motors
automobiles. The goal then is to catch up with and pass these slower
cars. This type of race is generally called what?
A Chevy Chase
------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------
The Complete PC
<a href="http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-27&R=2-10-1">Click</a>
http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-27&R=2-10-1
Taliban Barbie
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http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-28&R=2-10-1
--------------ON THE ROAD WITH AN IDIOT---------------
And with a puff of exhaust, the truck lurches forward, careens on two wheels
in order to make the turn at that level of acceleration, defies the laws of
centrifugal force, loses its muffler, and shudders uncontrollably as it
settles into my lane.
The driverlet's call him George, for there might be children reading this
and what I really called him would be inappropriate for their eyeslooks to
be about ninety, is missing a few teeth, and is wearing an orange hunting
cap. With ear-flaps. I know all this detail because I was
practically on
top of him when he hit the gas. His turn signal must have been broken.
He must be in a hurry to risk pulling out in front of someone. He must
have
a death wish to pull out in front of me. At least, you would think he was
in a hurry since he couldn't have waited two seconds for me to pass. But,
now that he has forced me to leave some tire on the pavement, he now settles
in at a comfortable 25 miles per hour, ten below the speed limit.
At first, I tailgate him, but there are pieces of the truck falling off and
bouncing all over the place, so I am forced to do what any good driver would
do. I pass him in a no-passing zone, blowing my horn and signaling to him
that I'm number one in special way that he'll remember. That'll teach
him.
[Continued next Thursday....]
2002 by Todd A. Sponsler
Todd A. Sponsler, MD is an opto... ofphtha... offtha... an eye surgeon trying
to prove that doctors can write something other than illegible prescriptions.
He currently composts (I mean composes) a humor column on his website called
The Lions Den. For humor dispensed in nearly fatal doses go to www.geocities.com/psulionsden.
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
At a software store we had a customer who brought a program back saying that
the diskettes would no longer read on his Apple. We tried, and sure enough,
we couldn't read them either. We exchanged a new set of diskettes for him. A
few days later, he comes back with the same problem. We exchange again. A
few days later, he has the same problem.
This time, we send one of our people to his place to see if there is
something strange about the way he uses the computer. We gave him a free
diskette case, so he wouldn't continue to store his diskettes by pinning
them on his refrigerator with *magnets*.
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
As a sergeant in a parachute regiment I took part in several night time
exercises. Once, I was seated next to a Lieutenant fresh from Jump
School.
He was quiet sad looked a bit pale so I struck up a conversation.
"Scared, Lieutenant?", I asked.
He replied, "No, just a bit apprehensive."
I asked, "What's the difference?"
He replied, "That means I'm scared with a university education."
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
A matter of size...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.533
">A matter of
size...</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.533
Fast elevator...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.534
">Fast
elevator...</a>
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-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------
GENEVA - A fun-filled bachelor party at a strip club
turned deadly when a 32-year-old groom-to-be who was
enjoying the attentions of a well-endowed stripper
suffocated while his face was buried in her breasts.
The mind-boggling drama unfolded, say cops, while
Daniel Greene was attending his bachelor party at
the Pretty Kitty strip club.
The club had been rented out for the private affair.
According to investigators, Greene was enjoying a
lap dance when disaster struck: One of the strippers,
Kandy Kane, got too into her performance and suffocated
the man between her 72-DD breasts.
Witnesses said that Greene had had his fair share of beer,
but didn't seem out-of-control.
When the song "I'm Too Sexy" began to play, Greene became
excited and began to dance on the tabletop, hooting and
hollering, pals said, "like an idiot."
Miss Kane, apparently pleased to see someone enjoying her
choice in music, moved in closer.
When Greene took his seat, she began giving him a lap
dance, shaking her breasts in his face.
The more she shook, the deeper Greene got lost in her
cleavage.
"Daniel was having so much fun," partygoer John Gillman
said.
"We all thought he loved being in that gal's chest.
"Who could have known that when he was waving his hands
around, he was signaling for help?"
Cheering onlookers eventually realized that Greene was
no longer moving, and pulled him from between Miss Kane's
breasts.
Now Greene's family is suing Miss Kane and the Pretty Kitty
for wrongful death.
Greene's father, George, won't specify the amount they are
suing for, but claims that it isn't about the money.
"Those breasts were lethal weapons," he told reporters.
"The Pretty Kitty should not have allowed Miss Kane to have
her bust enhanced to the size that she did.
"We hope that by filing this lawsuit, we can send a message
to other strippers: keep your bra size within a reasonable
range."
Kandy Kane made a statement through her attorneys: "I thought
he liked it in there. "
The Pretty Kitty declined comment.
Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:news@paulsfunhouse.com
">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" mailto:weirdnewsweekly-subscribe@topica.com
">WNW</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A few women were sitting around the table talking, and the
subject turned to their husbands. One lady said, "My husband
just won't go to church with me, I think he's going to go to
Hell."
This led to talk around the table and it was generally
agreed that, for one reason or another, all the husbands were
going to end up in Hell.
So, then the housewives started speculating about themselves.
One woman said, "I try to be good - I'm sure I'll make it to
Heaven."
Another one said "No, I did this bad thing, I won't make it unless
I mend my ways, I better start soon."
At this point they noticed that one of the ladies (the only single
women in the group, and a blonde, mind you) wasn't saying anything.
They turned to her and said, "You're such a nice lady, surely you'll
be going to Heaven?"
She says, "No way! In fact, first thing in the morning, I'm going
to buy me a ticket straight to Hell!"
They were shocked and asked, "Why??"
"Well, you don't expect me to live in a world without men, do
you??!?"
-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------
[||||] M O R M O N M A R A U D E R S -- Utah's far sighted
Atty-General will remove bans against carrying concealed weapons in
state offices, parks, hospitals and day care centers. (ABC News)
You don't want to enter one of those crime-infested day care
centers without packing heat.
Copyright 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
What did one ovary say to the other one?
"Did you order any furniture?"
"No. Why?" asked the other.
"Cause there's two nuts out there trying to deliver an organ."
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--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
New throne...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.535
">New
throne...</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.535
Sexy smoke signal...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.536
">Sexy smoke
signal...</a>
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Dear Dr Ruth,
I'm e-mailing to tell you my problem. It seems, I have been
married to a sex maniac for the past 22 years. He wants sex,
regardless of what I am doing; Ironing, Washing dishes,
Sweeping, even doing E-Mail on AOL, etc. I would like to know
if there is anything that ucnn hlp m wth nd fun othel gothsl
ehj fpslth fjsl;s;;o{O} .lp sld mpskdli dlks; a;ld;;'cinsely
ous mdyl isnt';dk~0.......
---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.
--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------
Just Like Chicken
by Dave Glardon
Have you ever watched someone make a sandwich and
wondered if they were dropped on their head at birth?
Last week, my brother-in-law ate a bratwurst with
onions, mustard, and peanut butter. I know that
sounds a bit odd, but he was out of sardines.
Food is fascinating. We use it for survival, growth,
enticement, and in the case of brussel sprouts,
punishment. My mom used to threaten me with a whole
plate of them if I wasn't good. It worked.
I've often wondered about the early culinary
pioneers. For instance, who was the first person to
eat an egg? And if that egg had been rotten, what
would our breakfast menu look like today?
In the Philippines, they have a unique way of
preparing eggs. They bury them in the sand for a few
days till they're half-incubated, then slurp them out
of the shell. They call it a delicacy. I can think
of a few other words.
It's easy to understand how we came to drink milk. Of
course, in the early days before glasses were
invented, it probably involved crawling under a cow.
I can picture a bunch of cavemen fighting for a spot
on the udder.
Somewhere along the line, people began collecting milk
in buckets. Soon afterward they learned that it
doesn't last long in the sun. Hence, the discovery of
cottage cheese.
Several years ago, I drove a milk tanker. One day I
asked my dispatcher what happens to milk that doesn't
pass inspection. He said if it's just a little sour,
it can be used for ice cream, but the really rotten
stuff ends up in your macaroni casserole. Urrrrp!
Think about that. At some point in history, a farmer
left a bucket of milk in the barn all weekend, then
returned to find a glob of churning bacteria with a
smell that could make a catfish vomit.
Somewhere between the barn and the outhouse, he looked
at the curdled brew and thought, "Strain that through
a sock and I bet it'd taste GREAT on a hamburger!"
I love cheese, but I try not to think about where it
comes from. This is especially true of headcheese. I
won't say what it looks like, but I'm absolutely
positive it isn't cheese.
But then, a lot of foods have misleading names,
usually for the same reason. Rump roast sounds a lot
more appetizing than baked butt cheeks. And just so
you know, mountain oysters are not a type of
freshwater seafood.
In reality, most parts of an animal are edible. It's
just that we choose not to eat certain parts, at least
intentionally. That's why they invented sausage, hot
dogs, and that southern delicacy, Spam.
One morning, the hosts on a syndicated radio show
called the toll-free number on a can of processed
meat. The automated message began with, "Thank you
for calling XYZ Company. If this is a medical
emergency, hang up and dial 911." That's encouraging.
People don't normally die because of the food they
eat, but it does happen. A blowfish has to be
prepared just right, or it can be deadly. I can
picture the chef trying out a new recipe, then
watching his patrons keel over at the table. Oops!
This is why kings insisted on having someone else
taste their food before they ate it. Talk about a
crappy job. I'd rather be Mike Tyson's bodyguard.
But thanks to the food tasters, we have a long list of
foods we can safely eat, not to mention some pretty
good recipes. I can imagine the early experiments
with yogurt produced some interesting results.
I try to keep an open mind when it comes to food. We
all have different tastes, and if my brother-in-law
likes peanut butter and mustard sandwiches, it's his
stomach.
I'll try just about anything once, with a few
exceptions. I've never had snails or fish eggs, and I
don't plan on changing that any time soon. Call 'em
what you want, I know what they are.
And as much as I love seafood, you can bet your life
I'll never eat any kind of "oyster" unless I scrape it
out of the shell myself.
Copyright 2002 Dave Glardon - All rights reserved
--
Dave Glardon is a product of the fifties who came of
age in the seventies and is still trying to make sense
of the nineties. You can visit his Website at
http://www.daveglardon.com