------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour Presents------

<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->

Grab a seat and get ready to roar in laughter...you have reached
the original home of PUREHUMOUR!  In the unlikely event that you
no longer wish to receive the "Best Humour on the Net" then you will
find the unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of every mailing!

Welcome back from the weekend!  After an eventful weekend...which
has included the moving of my website to my new host...and all the
problems associated with it...including very limited access to the
site depending on what area of the world you are in!  It also means
that some things that I normally do on the weekend haven't been
able to be done...like updating my poll...so please forgive me...if
you didn't vote last week...may as well now!  ;)

SPECIAL REQUEST:  I am looking for some subscribers who are
interested in helping me beta test some list functions prior to my
moving my lists from Topica to my own list server.  You must have
intermediate knowledge of the Internet and email.  But really only
must know how to click links and send email to be a part of this
process.  If selected you will be added to the NEW Purehumour
list so that I can test the list functions under live conditions and
make suitable changes prior to the adding of over 20,000 subs!
You must be prepared to visit the websites in question and
respond to the various questions about the functions of the list
pages.  If you are interested...please send an email to:
<a href="mailto:beta@paulsfunhouse.com">Beta Tester</a> to
let me know that you are interested....I will contact you once I
am ready to get things going...which may be as early as today...
or could be later this week!

Today's issue includes contributions by: Donna, Patricia, Stan,
Cherry, Rubin, Keli, Barb, Pat, Jamie, Carroll, SunAmy, Marina.

If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com ">Jokes</a>

-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
Lets start with a quickie:

How many born-again Christians does it take to change a
light bulb?

One to change the bulb and about 500 to go outside and
shout "I've seen the light!"

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Hair Brained...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.522 ">Hair
Brained...</a>
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------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

Gordon goes to see the doctor about getting something done about
his missing penis, which he lost in the war. The doctor asks the man how
many males were in his family and Gordon replied seven. The
doctor said if they all agreed, he could take an inch off of each male
and Gordon would have a eight inch penis.

Gordon asked the other males in his family if they would agree to
having the surgery and everyone said yes. The next day all eight males
went into the hospital to have the surgery. After it was all performed
the doctor told Gordon that he had a brand new eight inch penis,
but to be extremely careful with it and to come back and see him in a
week.

The next week Gordon goes back to see the doctor and the doctor
asked him how his new penis was working. Gordon replied great
doc, but I only have one question. The doctor asked what the question
was and Gordon replied, " Who's brilliant idea was it to put
grandpa's part in the middle"

--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------

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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

Laura was attending her High School reunion and was
having a blast. As the evening was drawing to a
close, the master of ceremonies for the night
proceeded to hand out bottles of champagne to the
graduates who had traveled the farthest distance to
attend the reunion, the graduate who had been married
the longest time, the graduate who had become the most
successful, etc. And Laura wondered if she was going
to get a prize too. Sure enough, the master of
ceremonies called out her name. "Laura, you win with
11 kids." and then, trying to be clever, he added in
"And champagne is only half the prize. The other half
is a giant, economy size bottle of aspirin."

"Don't bother with the aspirin," Laura replied. "It's
obvious with these many kids that I've never had a
headache."

----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL--------------------

Vote now!

Check it out:
<a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/">Poll</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/

-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------

There is no distinctly American criminal class - except Congress.
-Mark Twain

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Free Free...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.523 ">Free
Free...</a>
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends:

Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!

Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over ten.

Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.

Blonde: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you meant with one guy.

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Air Safety
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http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-24&R=2-10-1

--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

Keli and Greg were involved in a petty argument, both
of them unwilling to admit they might be in error.

"I'll admit I'm wrong," said Greg in a conciliatory
attempt, "if you'll admit I'm right."

Keli agreed and, like the dear she is, insisted Greg go
first.

"I'm wrong," Greg said.

With a twinkle in her eye, Keli responded, "You're
right!"

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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

ABCs of Aging:

A is for arthritis,
B is for bad back,
C is for the chest pains. Corned beef? Cardiac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight--can't read that top line.
F is for fissures and fluid retention
G is for gas (which I'd rather not mention and not to forget
other gastrointestinal glitches)
H is high blood pressure
I is for itches, and lots of incisions
J is for joints, that now fail to flex
L is for libido--what happened to sex? Wait! I forgot about
K!
K is for my knees that crack all the time
(But forgive me, I get a few lapses in my ...
M-memory from time to time)
N is for nerve (pinched) and neck (stiff) and neurosis
O is for osteo-for all the bones that crack
P is for prescriptions, that cost a small fortune
Q is for queasiness. Fatal or just the flu? Give me another
pill and I'll be good as new!
R is for reflux--one meal turns into two
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears on how to pay
my increasing medical bills!
T is for tinnitus--I hear bells in my ears and the word
"terminal" also rings too near
U is for urinary and the difficulties that flow (or not)
V is for vertigo, as life spins by
W is worry, for pains yet found
X is for X ray--and what one might find
Y is for year (another one I'm still alive)
Z is for zest, for surviving the symptoms my body's deployed, and keeping twenty-six doctors gainfully employed.

--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------

The perfect t-shirt to get a man's attention:
"Let go of my ears, I know what I'm doing!"

-------------------------DEAR AGGIE--------------------------------

Dear Aggie:

CAN YOU PLEASE TELL ME THE LONGEST WORD IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE

Kathy

]~[

Dear Kathy without a life...

The longest word in the English language, is
pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis, A medical condition similar to
asbestos toxicity. The longest commonly used word in the English language, is
antidisestablishmanterianismist, which is self explanatory. And one is the
loneliest number. So sayeth Three Dog Night. Take a hint.

Aggie

NEW...check out Aggie's Webpage at:
<a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/">Dear Aggie</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Second hand smoke..
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.524 ">Second hand
smoke..</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.524

--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

A friend was lecturing in Latin America. He was going to use a translator,
but to identify with his audience, he wanted to begin his talk by saying in
Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen." He arrived at the auditorium
a little early and realised he did not know the Spanish words for ladies and
gentlemen. Being rather resourceful, he went to the part of the building
where the restrooms were, looked at the signs on the two doors, and
memorised those two words.

When the audience arrived and he was introduced, he stood up and said in
Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen." The audience was shocked. The
people seemed stunned. He didn't know whether he had offended them or
perhaps they hadn't heard him or understood him. So he decided to repeat it.
Again in Spanish he said, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."

One person in the audience began to snicker. Pretty soon the entire audience
was laughing. Finally, someone told him that he had said, "Good evening,
bathrooms and broom closets!"

--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------

New York City transit workers may go on strike next week. If they do,
the city has announced that it will ban cars carrying less than three
people from Manhattan south of 96th Street. Today Gov. Christine Whitman
announced that New Jersey cops would enforce New York's ban, turning
back cars with only one or two people at the Holland and Lincoln
tunnels. The good news for New Jersey commuters is that if they miss
work because of this, they will be eligible for workman's comp. After
all, they're suffering from carpool tunnel syndrome.

------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------

The Perfect Man
<a href="http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-24&R=2-10-1">Click</a>
http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-24&R=2-10-1

-------------------------A DOG'S WORLD------------------------

A Dog's World is a continuing story that will appear in each
Tuesday edition...miss a segment?...then check out the
archives at: http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj

After a few moments of tense silence Ralph, a purebred
pitbull piped in with, "I think you're overeacting. My owner
would surely be doing something if this was serious."

"The humans are not doing anything. They don't believe the
comet is really coming towards earth. We cannot depend on
them for our safety anymore." Sam bellowed.

The main question they now had was how to get underground.

Rex suggested they try and get into the basement of the
Merrill's farmhouse. The idea seemed impossible since none
of them could open the bulkhead door. They needed a plan.

[Continued next week.....]

Copyright 2001-02 D. Scott
Check out more at: http://www.humorcorner.com
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

An American tourist in Kabul found himself needing to take a leak
something terrible. After a long search he just couldn't find anyplace
to relieve himself. So he just went down one of the side streets to
take care of business.

Before he could even get unzipped a Afghany police office asked, "Hey
you -- what are you doing?"

"I gotta piss, man."

"You can't piss here. Look, follow me."

The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass,
pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the cop, whiz
away."

The American shrugs, turns, unzips, and starts right on the flowers.
"Ahhh. Whew. Thanks. This is very nice of you. Is this Afghanistan
courtesy?"

"No. This is the American Embassy."

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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

Recently in Traffic Court, a man who received an
expensive parking ticket testified that a
uniformed Policeman had given his OK for the man
to park there.

The Judge asked the man if he would recognize the
Officer if he ever saw him again, and the man
replied that he would.

The Judge then said, "Good. When you see the
Officer again, tell him he owes you 57 dollars. Next..."

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Viagra boy!!
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boy!!</a>
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-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------

Police in the Philippines say a trained kidnap
negotiator has run off with the ransom money.

The payment, which was the equivalent of 48,500,
was intended for the kidnappers of an Italian
priest.

Police say the money has gone and Father Guiseppe
Pierantoni is still being held captive in the
jungle.

An officer from the Task Force Sanglahi-Pentagon,
told the Sun-Star Daily newspaper the negotiator
failed to hand over the cash and is now missing.

The Italian priest was kidnapped by armed men in
the Philippines on October 17 last year.

His abductors are believed to be holding him in
jungles in the Lanao del Sur region.

Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report.  If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:news@paulsfunhouse.com ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" mailto:weirdnewsweekly-subscribe@topica.com ">WNW</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

Recently, I was behind a car with three bumper stickers: "Don't be
fooled by genetically engineered food--demand labels and safety testing
for food"; "Eat for the health of it"; and "Support organic farmers."

The car was in front of me at a McDonald's drive-through.

-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------

[||||] E N R O N E N D R U N -- Former Enron vice
chairman J. Clifford Baxter, facing criminal charges in the massive
stock swindle scandal, opted for lights outville via a snubbed nosed
.38. (NY Times)

Arthur Anderson is calling it "A temporary downward
fluctuation in heartbeat and respiration that's not indicative of any
long term reduction in his value to the investigation."

Copyright 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

<A Classic! (with a twist!)>

Greg and Tony were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when
Greg glanced over and noticed that Tony's penis was twisted like a
corkscrew.

"Wow," Greg said. "I've never seen one like that before."

"Like what?" Tony said. "All twisted like a pig's tail," Greg said.

"Well, what's yours like?" Tony said.

"Straight, like normal," Greg  said.

"I thought mine was normal until I saw yours," Tony said.

Greg finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a
shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants.

"What did you do that for?" Tony said.

"Shaking off the excess drops," Greg said. "Like normal."

"&%$#@ !," Tony said. "And all these years I've been wringing it."

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--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

What to hit with...
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with...</a>
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He
handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.

Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back
in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached
a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."

The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This
student got back his test and $64 change.

---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------

Women should not have children after 35.

Really...35 children are enough

--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------

Pay Attention To Me!
By Erik Deckers

I don't know what it is, but it takes a special kind of person to want
to be the center of attention. I'm not talking about whiny moronic
musicians who work all their lives to be revered by the public, then
spend all their time whining about how their fans annoy them and they
just want to be left alone before moving to a castle in Scotland and
marry someone whose first name can also be found on the door of a men's
room in a '50s era diner.

I'm talking about the people who want to be the center of attention, but
without all the hassles of being famous. They want all eyes to focus on
them, because they want to be noticed, appreciated, and feel special.
Although this may come as a surprise to many of you, I happen to be one
of those people.

"No, Erik, not you! You always seem so quiet and content to work behind
the scenes where the real magic happens."

No, no. I appreciate the thought, but it's time I face my demons and
admit that I, Erik Deckers, world strongest humor writer, love to be the
center of attention. Shocking, isn't it?

Some part of me has always known this was true, but it wasn't until
nearly ten years ago that someone pointed it out to me. But instead of
starting down the road to recovery, this self-awareness has only made
the problem worse. And so instead of going into a quiet career where
nobody would notice me, like accounting, economics, or having my own
cooking show on public television, I went into sales and marketing
instead.

Although none of them will admit this, everyone good salesperson has
that burning desire, that almost-compulsive need to be recognized as an
authority for their field of expertise. They want to be able to drone
endlessly on about their products, and have customers hang on every
word. Forget the money! It's the attention they crave. And any
salesperson who tells you otherwise is either a liar or just nanoseconds
away from an exciting career in doorknob repair.

I suppose it was bound to happen really. I've always had a burning
desire to be the center of attention, but somehow always managed to
combine this desire with an uncanny knack for doing something stupid to
get myself in trouble at the same time. I never thought about what would
happen in the few seconds after I acted on my attention-getting desires,
and didn't really start considering these things until I was 23.

Working to be the center of attention can happen in a number of ways.
Oftentimes the person in question wants to be recognized as an
authority, to be in a leadership role, or to be able to shout "Hey
everyone, watch this!" without dying immediately afterward. Or in my
case, it can be something completely different, yet equally
inappropriate.

When I was in the third grade, our class was going to do a "Civil War"
theme for our school talent show. We would sing "Battle Hymn of the
Republic" and "Dixieland," and then Rusty Heiland, the smartest kid in
the fourth grade, was going to recite Abraham Lincoln's Gettysburg
Address. It was our feeble salute to the Civil War, even though none of
us had any idea what it meant at the time. Our class was a combined
third grade-fourth grade classroom, and Rusty was one of the older kids.
Since he was also the one who got into the least amount of trouble, he
was a natural choice for Lincoln.

During rehearsals, I always got the idea to mouth the words of the
speech as Rusty delivered it. But since I was eight and addle-minded, I
never remembered to do it until he was nearly finished, so I missed most
of the address. Each time, I would promise myself that I would remember
next time, so I could mouth the entire address along with him. And each
time, I would remember it a little earlier, until I nearly did it for
the entire speech.

I don't know what it was. For some reason, I thought this would be
something cool to do, so I made it my goal to mouth all the words to the
Gettysburg Address at least once in my life. I swore that I would do the
entire address with Rusty, and then that would be it. I would have met
my goal, and I could move on to something more important, like creating
the biggest tin foil ball in the lunchroom.

Finally, the day of the performance came. We were going to do our
segment for the entire school that afternoon, and then again for the
parents that evening. I don't know what Mrs. Wilson was thinking, but
somehow, I was supposed to stand in the front row, right next to Rusty.
You remember Rusty. He was the kid that would recite the entire
Gettysburg Address. By himself. With no backup singers or unnecessary
distractions on the stage. He was going to be the only person on the
stage with anything to do for 90 whole seconds. And everyone would be
watching him.

It's at this point that I want to remind you of two very important
points. First, I was an addle-minded eight year old who had set a very
important goal for himself and I was running out of time. Second, I had
a burning desire to be the center of attention, but I gave no thought to
what would happen afterward.

And so, right there during the performance in front of the entire
school, I mouthed the entire Gettysburg Address along with Rusty
Heiland.

"Four score and seven years ago," he boomed.

"Four score and seven years ago," I echoed silently.

To this day, I still have gaps in my memory about what happened that
day. I vaguely remember classmates poking me in the back, and hissing at
me to stop it, but I couldn't. I had to continue. I had a mission, and
by God, I was going to complete it!

As you can expect, this misdeed did not go unnoticed or unpunished by
Mrs. Wilson, my third grade teacher. She called my parents, and I was
banned from participating in the parents' performance that night. I was
also grounded for several days, and was pretty much prevented from
having any kind of fun at all. I was also known throughout the school as
"that kid who did that thing."

But none of it mattered. I was special. I had been the center of
attention. The spotlight had sliced through the darkness and landed on
my stage. And I, for one brief moment, was able to shove another kid out
of the way and use up his 15 minutes of fame.

--

Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.