<------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour Presents------>
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->
Grab a seat and get ready to roar in laughter...you have reached
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A voice of Canadian radio went silent yesterday with the passing of
Peter Gzowski...Peter was a staple of CBC radio from 1982 to 1997
when he hosted "MorningSide"...his unique style will be missed by
all.
Seems that Topica is always delaying Purehumour these days...it
usually goes out before 10am CST...but I notice that it is not arriving
until after noon some days...I am sorry for these delays but there is
not much that I can do at the current time....Purehumour WILL be
moving in the next couple of months...and it is hoped that at that
time I will be able to solve the delivery problems AND the problems
with Hotmail and links!
Today's issue includes contributions by: Jamie, Carroll, Maria, Rubin,
Stan, Barbara, SunAmy, Douglas, Pat, Keli, Wayne.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
Lets start with a quickie:
Did you hear about the scientist who crossed a carrier pigeon with a
woodpecker? He got a bird that not only delivers messages to their
destination, but knocks on the door when it gets there
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
The Poo Chart...
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">The Poo
Chart...</a>
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------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile
teasing her full lips, she sank into the comfort of
the plush chair in the corner.
The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her
approach. Locking his steely gray eyes on hers, he
moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze
measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs
of assurance.
He sank to his knees before her and without a word,
smoothly released her from her constraining attire.
With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign
hands to unleash her bare flesh. He expertly guided
her through this tender, new territory, boldly taking
her to heights she had never dared to dream of, his
movements deliberate, confident in his ability to
satisfy her every need.
Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching
desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long.
And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her
grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment,
she thought, "It's too big! - it will never fit!"
Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it
had been made only for her. As pleasure and
contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze,
tears of gratitude shining in her eyes. And he knew it
wouldn't be long before she returned. Oh, yes, this
woman would want more.
She would want to do it again and again and again...
DON'T YA JUST LOVE SHOPPING FOR SHOES
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A University of Kentucky student was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston
over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty coed.
He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, "Where does
you
go to school?" The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his
grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question. "Yale," she
replied.
The Kentucky student took a big, deep breath and shouted,
"WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL?"
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-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------
A wise man will make more opportunities than he finds.
- Francis Bacon
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Woodstock now...
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">Woodstock
now...</a>
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Limericks....again!
Said Mary, "I do beg your pardon,
But I once had a tree in my garden,
With a trunk long and thick,
But I have to admit,'Twas nothing,
compared to John's hard'un..."
A young lass from Trincomalee
Laid down with a Turk by the sea
She asked him his name
Just after he came
All he said was - Mustapha Pee.
An ex-naval rating named Ben
Kept all sorts of birds in a pen
At dawn in the park
He was up with the Lark
And at night went to bed with a Wren.
Can you do better? Send them to:
<a href="mailto:limericks@paulsfunhouse.com">Limericks</a>
------------------------TOON TIME--------------------------------
Home construction
<a href="http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-19&R=2-10-1">Click</a>
http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-19&R=2-10-1
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Some New Definitions!
ARTIFICIAL INSEMINATION: Procreation without recreation.
BOOKCASE: A piece of furniture used in America to house bowling
trophies and Elvis collectibles.
CHIC: Considered smart without the deadening implication of
intelligence.
CLIQUE: A group of insiders who greet outsiders with their
backsides; a closed circle of asses.
CONSULTANT: A jobless person who shows executives how to work.
DENTURES: Two rows of artificial ivories that may be removed
periodically to frighten one's grandchildren or provide
accompaniment to Spanish music.
DNA: A complex organic molecule characterized as the building
block of life and appropriately shaped like a spiral staircase
to nowhere.
FIBER: Edible wood-pulp said to aid digestion and prolong life,
so that we might enjoy another six or eight years in which to
consume wood-pulp.
FUNERAL HOME: A stately manse occupied by transients who
continually receive visitors but lack the energy and inclination
to entertain them.
GENETIC ENGINEERING: Tampering with chromosomes so that science
might develop a new miracle cure or a rabbit that plays the
banjo.
JOB: A state of employment everyone wants but few look forward to
on a Monday morning.
LAWYER: A professional advocate hired to bend the law on behalf
of a paying client; for this reason considered the most suitable
background for entry into politics.
LOOTING: A public shopping spree generously sponsored by local
merchants in the wake of a riot.
MUGGER: A benevolent citizen of the streets who frequently spares
the lives of total strangers in exchange for any cash and
valuables in their possession.
OBITUARY: A final summation of our lives that, for most of us,
occupies about three inches of space in what will shortly become
cage liner for your neighbor's parakeet.
POSITIVE THINKING: Self-improvement through self-deception.
QUALITY OF LIFE: What an industrialized nation is said to offer
when enough of its citizens are suffering from terminal stress.
SHALLOWNESS: The root cause of chronic good health, high school
popularity, appearance on the fiction bestseller lists, and
gainful employment on local TV news broadcasts.
STAR: A performer who makes more than his or her agent.
SUPERSTAR: A performer who makes more than Guatemala.
STATE-OF-THE-ART: Soon-to-be-obsolete.
VIRGIN: A young innocent who in former times was sacrificed to
the gods but who now is merely a ' lady in waiting '.
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A man had been in a terrible car accident, and woke up in
the hospital. Looking around, he noticed a doctor leaning
over his bed. "Jesus doc," the man exclaimed, "what
happened. Where am I."
The doctor replied "You have been in a bad car accident, and
you're in the hospital, but don't worry, you're going to be
all right. The bad news is that we had to amputate your
right arm, above the elbow."
"Oh no," the man screamed. "I'd rather be dead. I can't go
through life without my arm. Please doc, kill me. I can't go
on like this........"
"Now son," said the doctor, "with the miracles of modern
medicine today, we can give you a Bionic Arm. Only costs one
million dollars, and it looks and works just like the real
thing. Nobody will ever know it's not your own arm."
"Yeah, great," the man groaned. "And where the hell am I
gonna get a million bucks. I'm better off dead."
"Hang on now," said the doctor. "We've been looking for a
case like yours for a while now. We just came up with a new
arm. For only ten thousand dollars, you can have it. It
looks just like the more expensive one, but the only
difference is that this one has a small microphone built
into it, and you have to TELL the arm what to do. Other than
that, it works just like the other one."
"Well," the guy says, "I can probably afford ten grand. Go
ahead, sew it on."
The next day, the guy woke up in the same bed, and saw the
doctor leaning over him again. "Well, doc, how did it go? Is
everything all right?"
"We think that the operation was a success," replied the
surgeon, "but you will have to try it out, and let us know
if there are any problems with it."
Later on in the day, the guy was lying in bed, practicing
with his new arm. "Lift up" he commanded. The arm lifted up.
"Move right." The arm moved to the right. "Move left." The
arm moved to the left. Everything seemed to be working
without a hitch, and he was really pleased. All of a sudden,
he had the urge to go to the bathroom.
He hopped out of bed, and proceeded into the john. "Arm,
reach down and undo my zipper." The arm obeyed. "Take out my
Wang." The arm obeyed flawlessly. The guy had his leak, and
when he was done, he commanded, "Shake it." The arm gave it
a little shake. "No, shake it harder!!" The arm gave it a
good shake. "Hey," the guy said, "that feels pretty good...
jerk it off."
RRIIIPPPP!!!!
--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.
But, in practice, there is.
-------------------------DEAR AGGIE--------------------------------
Dear Aggie:
Will I achieve happiness with Jean
]~[
Dear NoName...
*shake shake shake* Oops, says "answer is unclear". You crapped out,
pal.
Why do people think Aggie is a Magic 8-ball ???
Aggie
--------
Dear Readers...
You know, it is sometimes distressing to me to be a wise-ass to you all
in my columns. I think I will start being nicer, more polite....NAHHHH !!!!!!!
Aggie
NEW...check out Aggie's Webpage at:
<a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/">Dear
Aggie</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Ooops...
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">Ooops...</a>
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Women Drivers (A Classic!)
Driving to town this morning on the Interstate, I
looked over to my left and there was a woman in a
brand new Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her
face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her
eyeliner!
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked
back she was halfway over in my lane, still working
on that dang makeup!!!
It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver,
which knocked the donut out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the
car using my knees against the steering wheel, it
knocked my cell phone away from my other ear, which
fell into the coffee between my legs and
DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!!!
DANG WOMEN DRIVERS!!!
--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------
A girl went to an ophthalmologist for an eye examination. After he had
completed his tests, the doctor said, "You do need glasses. Be sure to
come back after your wedding.""Why can't I have them now ?" the
girl
asked. "Because, Miss," said the doctor sternly, "I don't
believe in
specs before marriage."
------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------
Hunting
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
While a friend and I were visiting the Naval Academy in Annapolis,
we noticed several first year students on their hands and knees assessing
the brick courtyard with pencils and clipboards in hand. "What are they
doing?"
I asked our tour guide.
"Each year," he replied with a grin, "the upperclassmen ask the
freshmen how many bricks it took to finish paving this courtyard."
"So what's the answer?" my friend asked him when we were out of
earshot of the freshmen.
The guide replied, "One....sir."
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
THE BIBLE IN 50 WORDS
God made
Adam bit
Noah arked
Abraham split
Jacob fooled
Joseph ruled
Bush talked
Moses balked
Pharaoh plagued
People walked
Sea divided
Tablets guided
Promise landed
Saul freaked
David peeked
Prophets warned
Jesus born
God walked
Love talked
Anger crucified
Hope died
Love rose
Spirit flamed
Word spread
God remained.
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Dead sea...
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">Dead
sea...</a>
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-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------
All the house numbers in a Romanian street are to
be changed because of superstition.
There are more than 40 buildings on the street and
they all have numbers beginning with 66.
Officials in Sinpetru say the numbers will be altered
because of mix-ups and the "bad reputation" of 66.
The number is associated with 666, the 'number of the
Devil'.
Evenimentul Zilei Online reports the first houses built
five years ago in Renasterea Street, or Revival Street,
were numbered 66.
People kept on building new houses and the same number
was used.
They added letters after the number to help identify the
houses and, when they ran out of letters, they added
another digit on the end, coming up with the likes of
66A1.
Residents say they are very proud of their addresses
because they haven't heard of anything similar. The
postman says he always delivers by name rather than by
address.
Officials want the numbers changed following the next
census in the spring.
Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:news@paulsfunhouse.com
">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" mailto:weirdnewsweekly-subscribe@topica.com
">WNW</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
One hot July day, we found this old straggly cat at our door. She was a
sorry sight, starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all
matted down. We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to
the vet. She had no name so we named her pussy cat. The vet decided to
keep her for a day or so, and said he would let us know when we could
come and get her.
My husband, the complaining type, said "OK, but don't forget to wash
her, she stinks. My husband and my vet don't see eye to eye. He calls my
hubby El-Cheap-O, and my hubby calls him El-Take-O.
The next day, hubby had an appointment with his doctor, who is located
next door to the vet. The doctor's office was full of people waiting to
see the doctor (many of our friends and neighbors).
The door opened and in popped the vet and announces to my hubby, "Your
wife's pussy is finally shaved and clean. She now smells like a rose.
And by the way, I think she is pregnant. God only knows who the father
is!" and then he closed the door...
-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------
[||||] S M A R T C A R T O G R A P H Y -- Scientists at
NASA claim that data gathered during their recent 32-day space balloon
flight could improve the accuracy of maps by 300%. (CNN)
Unfortunately, they'll still be next to impossible to refold.
Copyright 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
"Genetic scientists say that one day it will be possible to grow new
body parts, like new breasts and new hands.
It's going to be a huge moneymaker, because you know that as
soon as women grow another breast, men will want another hand"
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--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Going off base...
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">Going off
base...</a>
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
An elderly spinster called the police one day to report that
her neighbour was exposing himself. "Oh dear," she continued,
"there he is as bold as can be taking a shower with his window
shades up."
A squad car arrived immediately with hopes of catching the
culprit in the act. The spinster showed the policeman into her
bedroom and pointed out the window, "See what I mean, officer?"
Scratching his head, the officer said, "Ma'am, the only thing I
see is the top of his head above his window sill."
"Well, you silly fool, you have to get up on that dresser over
there!" she exclaimed.
---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over
the meat.
"Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "with your hand on my
steak?"
"What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor
again?"
--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------
More Than A Mouthful
by Dave Glardon
I've often wondered what it would be like to turn on
the news and hear the network anchor say, "Absolutely
nothing happened today. No wars, no storms, no plane
crashes, no government scandals. We have nothing to
report. Details at eleven."
That'll never happen, but let's face it, some days are
downright boring. You know it's been one of those
days when the lead story is, "President inhales
pretzel and falls; dogs appear unshaken."
It must be hard being in a position where you can't
break wind without the whole world knowing it. But I
guess that's the price of success. Blame it on
butterfly ballots.
Okay, so the president forgot to chew his food. I'm
sure this isn't the first time that's happened. But
give us the short version and move on to the weather.
It's not like he barfed in a foreign dignitary's lap.
Ten years ago this would have been a thirty-second
story, but this is the twenty-first century and we
expect more. Instant replay would have been nice.
But with my luck it would have been pay-per-view.
The computer simulations of the president grabbing his
throat and falling were entertaining. I bet Al Gore
got a kick out of that.
I do have to wonder about the validity of those
demonstrations. After all, the only witnesses are the
president's dogs, and I'm not sure they gave a
completely bipartisan account of the incident.
Still, several experts were consulted to determine
exactly what happened. In the absence of a black box,
they had to speculate. I'm no rocket scientist, but
my theory is that he made some disgusting noises, got
dizzy, and fell on his face.
One major network featured the world's leading expert
on choking, Jack Kevorkian. It would have been a
great story, but the president got back up.
While they were removing "1946-2002" from the
president's photo, another network scored an interview
with Henry Heimlich.
This guy is a real work of art. Okay, so he showed us
how to make a choking victim hack food across the
room. A lot of people are very thankful for that,
least among them the people whose plate the food
landed in.
He demonstrated his famous Heimlich Maneuver, then
showed how throwing yourself on the back of a chair
can make you yak. I'm sure that'll be a hit at the
company banquet.
At the end of the interview, he explained that when
the president fell, he slumped over in such a manner
that it emulated the Heimlich Maneuver, dislodging the
pretzel. Not bad for someone who didn't even talk to
the dogs.
The next day, the headlines spoke of Americans'
concern for the president's health. Please, the guy
couldn't swallow a pretzel without breaking it. I
hardly think that constitutes a medical crisis. It
does lend credibility to the theory that he's normal.
I'm more concerned about the fact that his brain had
to go a few seconds without oxygen. If facial
expressions are any indication of gray matter, he
needs all the oxygen he can get.
Of course, we still haven't heard from the foremost
expert on everything, Rush Limbaugh. I'm sure he can
turn this into a Liberal conspiracy. I have no doubt
there were some Democrats working in the pretzel
factory.
Thanks to the global media blitz, Osama bin Laden
knows where he went wrong. He tried to kill the
president with a few terrorists in a jumbo jet, and
all it would have taken is a single pretzel. I bet
he's feeling pretty stupid right now.
In fact, pretzels may have become the weapons of
choice in the terrorist arsenal. Rumor has it Dan
Rather received a package of unbroken pretzels from a
New Jersey address yesterday.
I guess I shouldn't complain. If the president's
inability to chew a pretzel can dominate the news,
things must be pretty good. I doubt we'd have heard
this story had it happened on September 11.
I choked on my popcorn last week and our local news
ignored the incident completely. But I did get my
wife's attention, which was a miracle in itself.
Guess it must have been a really slow day.
Copyright 2002 Dave Glardon - All rights reserved
--
Dave Glardon is a product of the fifties who came of
age in the seventies and is still trying to make sense
of the nineties. You can visit his Website at
http://www.daveglardon.com