<------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour Presents------>

<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->

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find the unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of every mailing!

I spent most of yesterday in bed...naw don't congratulate me it wasn't
anything like that!  16 years of marriage means we don't go for the
marathons anymore!  Anyway I was sick with one hell of a flu bug...
feel better today but still knocked down with this.  Runny nose,
aching bones, cough, sneezes, nausea and exhaustion...I feel like
a poster child for some new disease! So for today's issue I dug back
a little and took the easy way out...went through some old issues and
pulled out the "Best of" (hopefully) and compiled it into today's issue...
so please enjoy.

Today's issue includes contributions by: Di Ann, SunAmy, Keli,
Rubin and a whole pile from my archives!

If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com ">Jokes</a>

-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
Lets start with a quickie:

Scientists were excited this week at having isolated a brief sound which
occurred immediately before the Big Bang.

Apparently, that sound was "uh oh."

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Nasty very nasty...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.674 ">Nasty very
nasty...</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.674

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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm
fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl.
One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's
fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and
straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You
open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer
her a ride, and  then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and
says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.

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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

10 things not to do in the nude:

10. Fry bacon
9. Arc weld
8. Bathe a cat
7. Operate a snow blower
6. Clear a patch of poison ivy
5. Insulate the attic with fibre glass
4. Operate a lathe
3. Present a children's television show
2. Take Mass with the Pope
1. Bend over to pick up a dime on a San Francisco street

----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL----------------------

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-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------

She had lost the art of conversation but not, unfortunately,
the power of speech."
- George Barnard Shaw

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Smelly...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.685 ">Smelly...</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.685

--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one
candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the
bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that
candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your
teeth, make you fat."

Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years
old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a
time?"

Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business!"

------------------------TOON TIME--------------------------------

Bill Gates
<a href="http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-17&R=2-10-1">Click</a>
http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-17&R=2-10-1

--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

A lady goes into a butcher shop and is carefully looking over the
well stocked & iced selections. She stops at the whole chicken
section and selects a plump, plucked hen by its wing. She carefully
sniffs the bird first under one wing and then the next.

Grabbing one of the birds legs in one hand and the other leg in
her other hand she takes a big sniff of the cavity.

"Butcher" she calls out, "this bird stinks."

Wiping his hands on a towel, the butcher replies, "Lady, could you
pass a test like that?"

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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

Bored?  Here are some facts for you to use at the water
cooler!

* The first couple to be shown in bed together on
prime time television were Fred and Wilma Flintstones.
* Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.
* Men can read smaller print than women; women
can hear better.
* City with the most Rolls Royce's per capita: Hong Kong
* State with the highest percentage of people who
walk to work: Alaska
* Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%
* Percentage of North America that is wilderness:
38%
* Cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of
eleven: $6,400
* Average number of people airborne over the US
any given hour: 61,000.
* The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and
lived in China 1910.
* The youngest pope was 11 years old.
* A crocodile can't stick it's tongue out.
* More than 50% of the people in the world have
never made or received a telephone call.
* The oldest known goldfish lived to 41 years of age.
Its name was Fred.
* In 1987, a 1,400-year-old lump of still-edible
cheese was unearthed in Ireland.
* If an orangutan belches at you, watch out. He's
warning you to stay out of his territory.
* 1,200 college students streaked at the same
time in Boulder, CO in 1974.
* Penguins can jump as high as 6 feet in the air.
* The most money ever paid for a cow in an auction
was $1.3 million.
* There is a town in Newfoundland, Canada called
Dildo.
* On average, a human being will have sex more
than 3,000 times and spend two weeks kissing in
their lifetime.
* The average human has seven sex fantasies
in a day.

--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------

"Woman who slides down banister, makes monkey shine"

-------------------------DEAR AGGIE--------------------------------

Dear Aggie:

I got married in April of this year and we are separated the reason when
we got married he said he would pay my bills like the taxes things like
that after 2 months of marriage he said nope I won't pay it now I got mad
and told him our marriage is over so he moved. Now I still miss him but I
never loved him in the first place didn't marry for love tell me why I
feel this way year 2001 I got married

]~[

Dear gold-digging user....

Maybe your conscience is getting to you. Nah, have to have a soul and a heart
for that. You make me sick.

Aggie

NEW...check out Aggie's Webpage at:
<a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/">Dear Aggie</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Dig boys!!
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.686 ">Dig boys!!</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.686

--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

American was waiting on a London street corner.

An attractive English girl was passing by when a gust of
wind blew her dress above her waist.

"A bit airy..." remarked the American.

Hearing this, the Cockney girl replied indignantly, " 'ell yes!
What did you expect ..... feathers?!"

--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------

Laura and Ron were honeymooning in France, visiting all the
historic sites. Today's highlight was to have been the visit
to the famous bell tower at the Cathedral of Saint Lorraine
near Nice. They had expected that the playing of the famous
bells while they were in the tower would be one of their
fondest memories of the trip.

They were the first in line on that cloudy morning to purchase
tickets to enter the tower, when there was a sudden flash of
lightning which struck the tower, totally destroying it. The
ticket-seller, surveying the results, immediately offered to
sell tickets to see the ruins at half the usual price.

The newlyweds immediately accepted the offer thereby becoming
the first husband and wife team to receive ... the no bell price.

------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------

Fred Heineken
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http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-18&R=2-10-1

--------------ON THE ROAD WITH AN IDIOT---------------

So there I am, driving down the highway, minding my own business, drinking
my coffee, reading the morning newspaper, and conversing with my office on
the cell phone. My wife calls this dangerous. I call it multitasking.

As I approach an intersection, I see a dilapidated Chevy truck pulling up
from the right. There is more rust and dirt on the vehicle than paint. It
might have been red. I am close enough to the intersection that I am
confident the driver won't try to pull out in front of me. I also duly note
that he has no turn signal on.

There is no one behind me for a mileI left them all in the dust when I
passed that school bus.

[continued next Thursday]

2002 by Todd A. Sponsler
Todd A. Sponsler, MD is an opto... ofphtha... offtha... an eye surgeon trying to prove that doctors can write something other than illegible prescriptions. He currently composts (I mean composes) a humor column on his website called The Lions Den. For humor dispensed in nearly fatal doses go to www.geocities.com/psulionsden.
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

A truck driver went to look for a job.  He showed up at this one place that
needed truck drivers bad. He was told that if he could pass an exam, he would
be able to go right to work.

The truck driver asked "If'n I was to pass this test, what time do you want
me and Leroy to show up for work?"

The man said, "Who is Leroy?"

"Oh, Leroy be my swamper, we been togetter for sebenteen yearrr, I don't go
nowhere wifout Leroy."

"Well we do need truckdrivers really bad, OK. If you pass your exam you and
Leroy can start to work tomarrow."

The man said the first part of the exam was oral. "Suppose you're driving
down the road at 65 MPH, and you come around a curve of a narrow road, then you
come to a bridge, and in the middle of the bridge is another truck jackknifed in
the middle of the bridge. You can't stop, you can't go to the left or right.
Quick, What's the first thing you're going to do?"

The truck driver took his time answering. "Well the first thing I do will be
reach over and wake up Leroy."

"Why would you wake up Leroy first?"

"Well me and Leroy been togetter fer sebenteen yearrr, and he ain't never
seen a wreck like we gonna have!"

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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

"And will there be anything else, sir ?" the bellboy asked after
setting out an elaborate dinner for two.

"No thank you." the gentleman replied. "That will be all."

As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin
negligee on the bed. "Anything for your wife ?" he asked.

"Yeah ! That's a good idea." the fellow said. "Please bring up a postcard."

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Just one thing...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.692 ">Just one
thing...</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.692

-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------

A depressed South African cockatiel was given Prozac
after starting to pull out feathers from his wings and
chest.

The bird called Phoenix was prescribed the children's
version of the drug when his worried owners took him to
 see vet Rina Cotton.

Ms Cotton, of Cape Town, has given the drug to birds
before after getting the idea from a psychiatrist friend.

The Sun reports: "Phoenix was almost bald like a plucked
chicken when he came to me, but he's a lot better now."

But the drug does have side effects, such as the
aggressive behaviour that Phoenix now shows.

While many of her patients come off the drug and behave
normally within a month, some do have problems.

She said: "One bird made such a fuss when we stopped
giving him his Prozac that the family still pretend to
dose him every day with the yoghurt they used to disguise
the taste."

[He did attempt suicide once...he climbed to the top of the
highest tree and jumped!]

Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report.  If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:news@paulsfunhouse.com ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" mailto:weirdnewsweekly-subscribe@topica.com ">WNW</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

One day, a foreign family arrived in New York City.
This was the first time out of their native village,
and it didn't take long before the wife got lost.

The husband asked a passerby for help and was told
to go to the police and report it.

When he got there, a police officer asked him for
the wife's description.

"What's that?" asked the man. "Well, you see a
description is telling what something looks like.
For example, my wife is 25-years-old, 5'11", 140 lbs,
38-25-36 measurements. Now, what can you tell me about
your wife?"

"The hell with her, lets go look for yours!"

-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------

[||||] S T R A I G H T J A C K E T D E P T -- Rapist and
squared circle psycho Mike Tyson faces permanent loss of his fisticuffs
license in Nevada after biting Lennox Lewis on the leg during a New York
hype conference for their $17.5 million April 6 scuffle now iffy at
best. (LA Times)

He's been so short tempered since his doctor put him on that
Evander Holyfield free diet.

Copyright 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

Classmates at college were lamenting the cost of long
distance phone service and debating the relative advantages of
AT&T, MCI, and Sprint.

"I've found CTC to be the cheapest plan around," offered one.
"CTC? Who are they?"

"You know," he responded. "Call Them Collect."

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--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Naughty granny...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.693 ">Naughty
granny...</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.693

--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

A drunk walked into a bar crying. One of the other men at the bar asked
him what happened.

"I did a horrible thing," sniffed the drunk. "Just a few hours ago I sold
my wife to someone for a bottle of scotch."

"That is awful," said the other guy. "And now she's gone and you want her
back, right?"

"Right," said the drunk, still crying.

"You're sorry you sold her because you realized too late that you love
her, right?"

"Oh no," he said. "I want her back because I'm thirsty again!"

---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------

A skeleton walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me
a beer and a mop."

--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------

=========================
THE HUMOR OF MELVIN DURAI
=========================

"WHY DO WE LOVE ANNA KOURNIKOVA SO MUCH?"

She hits the ball well, Anna Kournikova does, not that
anyone really notices. When fans describe her as the
"hottest" player on the professional tennis circuit, they're
not talking about her serves. They're talking about her
curves.

When the 20-year-old Russian is playing, the stands are
packed with young men -- and only a few are watching tennis.
The rest are keeping their eyes on Anna and her body, the
reason so many American men are glad the Cold War is over.

Some fans have no idea who's on the other side of the net,
for they'd rather not move their binoculars. They couldn't
care less if Anna's playing Venus Williams, Serena Williams
or Robin Williams.

These fans may not be tennis experts, but when Anna is down
40-love, they understand exactly why she has "love." And
they want to give her more.

If you think they're dumb, consider this: They're smart
enough to remember Anna's measurements. And if that doesn't
impress you, here's more proof of their intelligence: they
know how to spell "Kournikova."

Anna has never won a major tournament, but few of her fans
care. After all, she looks good losing. And looking good is
often more lucrative than playing well, as Anna's agent has
happily discovered.

Got a car you'd like to advertise? Anna will look good
driving it. Got a cereal you'd like to promote? Anna will
look good eating it. Got a book you'd like to sell? Anna
will look good pretending to read it.

Poor Anna. She can't help it that she's so cute. It's not
her fault. She was born that way. So if you want to blame
anyone, blame her parents.

At least in tennis, looks aren't crucial. You can get to the
top -- win Wimbledon and other championships -- even if you
look like Koko the gorilla. (Just don't expect Nike to offer
you a bunch of bananas.)

The same can't be said about, say, jobs on television. Paula
Zahn, the CNN anchor, was recently offended that a
promotional ad called her "just a little sexy." But truth
is, if she weren't "just a little sexy," she might soon find
herself "just a little unemployed."

It isn't happenstance that Katie Couric, Deborah Norville
and other television personalities are attractive. Even male
anchors like Peter Jennings and Tom Brokaw are rather
handsome -- or so I've been told.

If television seems discriminatory, take a look at the music
industry. Record companies want to market not just good
voices, but also fabulous faces. Without her looks, Britney
Spears' career would quickly fizzle. She'd be singing "Oops,
I did it again" after spilling fries at McDonald's.

So what do you do if you have a great voice but not a great
face? Simple. You join the church choir. Or try the karaoke
bar.

Our obsession with looks even affects politics. If you want
to run for president, you'd better not look like William
Howard Taft. He was U.S. president from 1909 to 1913, but
that was before the invention of television and the creation
of Slim Fast.

If this obsession continues, People Magazine may soon have
competition for its annual "50 Most Beautiful People in the
World" issue.

Newsweek: "50 Most Beautiful Politicians in
the World."

Forbes magazine: "50 Most Beautiful Billionaires
in the World."

Catholic Digest: "50 Most Beautiful Priests
in the World."

National Geographic: "50 Most Beautiful
Orangutans in the World."

----------------------------------------------------------
(c) Copyright 2001 Melvin Durai. All Rights Reserved.

Melvin Durai is an Indiana-based writer and
humorist. A native of India, he grew up in Zambia
and moved to the U.S. in the early 1980s. Read his
previous columns at http://www.melvindurai.com
For a free subscription to his columns,
send a blank
mailto:durai-humor-on@mail-list.com