<------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour Presents------>
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->
Grab a seat and get ready to roar in laughter...you have reached
the original home of PUREHUMOUR! In the unlikely event that you
no longer wish to receive the "Best Humour on the Net" then you will
find the unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of every mailing!
Well...the blue light has gone dark! K-Mart filed for bankruptcy
protection yesterday in what is rumoured to be the largest bank-
ruptcy in history! I guess giving things away dirt-cheap ain't good
business practice! This leaves two major discount retailers in the
business, Target and that other one owned by Sam Walton...I can
never remember the name...but they do have a few stores here and
there! Hope someone jumps in to fill the void left by the blue light
gang!
Yesterday's issue arrived late in your mailboxes through no fault of
mine...but big and exciting changes are looming for Purehumour
which I hope will elimate some of the delivery problems that I have
been experiencing!
Today's issue includes contributions by: SunAmy, Jack, Rubin,
DCherry, Wayne, Barb, Anni, DaBone.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
Lets start with a quickie:
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in
common?
They're married.
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Merry zap...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.669
">Merry
zap...</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.669
------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
One day Father Boudreaux and Father Thibodeaux wus
fishin on da side of da road. Dey thoughtfully made a sign
saying "The End is Near, Cher'! Turn yurself 'Round now, before
it's too late!," and showed it to each passing car.
Well, dis one car dat passed didn't appreciate the sign
and wus shouting at dem and hollin "Leave us alone, you religious
nuts!"
Den all of a sudden dey heard a big splash and dey looked at each other and
Fr. Boudreaux said ..... "ya think we shoulda just put a sign dat says'
Bridge Out' instead?"
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
An old rabbi is talking with one of his friends and says with
a warm smile, "I gladdened seven hearts today."
"Seven hearts?" asks the friend. "How did you do that?"
The rabbi strokes his beard and replies, "I performed three
marriages."
The friend looks at him quizzically. "Seven?" he asks. "I could
understand six, but..."
"Well, what do you think," says the rabbi, "that I do this for
free?"
----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL--------------------
If I could have time in a bottle....
Check it out:
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-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------
"Always remember the distinction between contribution and commitment. Take
the matter of bacon and eggs. The chicken makes a contribution. The pig
makes a commitment."
-John Mack Carter (President, Hearst Magazine Enterprises)
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Missing the wife...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.670
">Missing the
wife...</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.670
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
<Folks...this is exactly how this arrived...NEVER changed
ONE word!>
Paul and I were talking one day when Paul says, "I went to see
the doctor the other day for that pain in my back."
"So what happened?" I asked.
"Well, he ran a bunch of tests, gave me some pills and sent me home.
Told me to stay in bed for a week. He also told me to sit down whenever
I had to pee. Can you imagine that? A grown man having to sit to pee?"
"Why would he want you to sit to pee?" I asked
"Well", said Paul, "With my bad back, he doesn't want me picking
up
anything too big."
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Osama Poster
<a href="http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-15&R=2-10-1">Click</a>
http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-15&R=2-10-1
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
You know its time for a new car when:
* You pull over to let a fire truck go by, and it stops behind
you.
* You have to go to a repair center every thousand miles to get
the duct tape replaced.
* You accidentally drive into a junkyard, drive out, and get
accused of stealing.
* The Blue Book lists your car under "Health Risk."
* The only thing holding your bumper on is the "Dukakis/Bentsen '88"
sticker.
* You return to your car and find someone broke in and left a
hundred dollars and a new stereo.
* Evel Kneivel refuses a free lift.
* The valet puts on a crash helmet and full-body armor before
parking your car.
* The guys at the repair shop refer you to Dr. Kevorkian
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
The race-car driver picked up a girl after a race, went
home with her and took her to bed.
He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she
smacked him in the face.
"What's the matter?!? Didn't I satisfy you when we
screwed?" he asked.
"It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble,"
said the angry woman. "In your sleep, you felt my tits and
mumbled, 'What perfect headlights.' Then you felt my thighs
and murmured, 'what a smooth finish.'"
"What's wrong with that?" asked the driver.
"Nothing, but then you felt my pussy and yelled, 'Who the
hell left the garage door open?'"
--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------
"Woman who pounce on dead rooster, go down on limp cock."
-------------------------DEAR AGGIE--------------------------------
Dear Aggie:
Why do the older films in technicolor seem clearer and brighter
colors of that of today ?
Nelson
]~[
Dear Nellie....
You have obviously,and unfortunately, contracted the dreaded disease
"optochroma
AMCchannel-opathy. I suggest you enjoy those old movies during your remaining
4-5 days among the sighted, as this syndrome is uncurable, and quickly
deteriorates into total blindness. Say hi to your dog for me !
Aggie
NEW...check out Aggie's Webpage at:
<a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/">Dear
Aggie</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Getting enough exercise...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.671
">Getting enough
exercise...</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.671
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
The Wednesday-night church service coincided
with the last day of hunting season.
Or pastor asked who had bagged a deer.
No one raised a hand.
Puzzled, the pastor said, "I don't get it.
Last Sunday many of you said you were missing
because of hunting season. I had the whole
congregation pray for your deer."
One hunter groaned, "Well, it worked.
They're all safe."
--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------
A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies
with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a
particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the
anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and
said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"
------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------
Moo Shoe
<a href="http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-16&R=2-10-1">Click</a>
http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-16&R=2-10-1
---------------------GUS SHULTZ DIARY------------------------
DIARY-JAN. 23
Okay, the last three days have not been very good. I had two jobs and now I
am unemployable again and that sucks big time. I worked at McDonalds for
three hours and that is when the boss made me mad becauze he wanted me to
work in the back flipping the burgers and stuff but I told him that I wanted
to be at the front with all of the very pretty girls who smiled reel nice
and one of them even said hi to me wich was cool and she had reel big
things. I got reel mad when I was working at the back and I could not see
any girls from there so I quitted in a puff. That boss was meen. So instead
of flipping burgers I flipped him my finger ha ha. Than I got a job at The
Donut Hole and that lasted almost a hole day. I did reel good at this job
and I worked there almost a hole shift and the boss only yelled at me one
time wich was cool. Than the boss got really mad at me and said that I was
eating half of the god dam donuts wich I was not. I only took a little bite
out of one or two of the donuts when I got reel hungry and could not wait
for my brake. I think lots of seeing a police officer about this becauze I
was fired wrongley and I know they know lots about donut shops and maybe
they can help me get my job back.
Gus Shultz was born in New York City in 1958. He has been
writing columns since hitting puberty in 1976. More columns
by Gus at:http://www.gravetimes.com
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Wendy hears the car drive up, then a clatter as it hits the
garbage cans. Car door slams, some cussing, then the
garage door opens, slams. Suddenly more crashing and
clattering and cussing, then James comes into the house with
his golf clubs, scowling and cussing.
"What's the matter, Dear? Did you have a bad day on the
golf course?" asked Wendy.
"Ya, what a rotten day! What a rotten round of golf! Why I
only hit two good balls all day, and I wouldn't have hit them if
I hadn't stepped on the rake in the garage!"
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
As he was drilling a batch of recruits, the sergeant saw that one of
them was marching out of step.
Going to the man as they marched, he said sarcastically:
"Do you know they are all out of step except you?"
"What?" asked the recruit innocently.
"I said -- they are all out of step except you!" thundered the
sergeant.
"Well, Sarge, you're in charge -- you tell them!"
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
The thongs...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.672
">The
thongs...</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.672
-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------
A man has been arrested for allegedly locking up his
parents for three hours so he could be alone with his
girlfriend.
The elderly couple had to be freed by the fire brigade
who rescued them from a first floor window at their
home in Rome.
The 27-year-old, who hasn't been named, is being held
in custody.
Tgcom website reports he ignored repeated pleas from
his parents to release them.
The police managed to unlock the front door and broke
into the house along with the man's parents.
Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:news@paulsfunhouse.com
">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" mailto:weirdnewsweekly-subscribe@topica.com ">WNW</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Little Johnny sat playing in the garden. When his mother
came out to collect him, she saw that he was slowly
eating a worm.
She turned pale. "No, Johnny! Stop! That's horrible!
You can't eat worms!"
Trying to convince him further she noted, "Now the mother
worm is looking all over for her nice baby worm."
"No, she isn't," said Johnny.
"How do you know she's not?" asked the mother.
Little Johnny put his hand on his stomach and said,
"Because I ate her first!!"
-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------
[||||] C L E A R ! -- Los Angeles has launched a $700,000
program to place heart defibrillators in major gathering spots where
ticker attacks are common such as golf courses, court houses and
airports. (LA Daily New)
Those placed in Hollywood's major restaurants will also
include instructions on how to locate an agent's heart.
Copyright 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Anni phoned tech support because she was having trouble
with her computer trying to connect to the internet. She
told tech support that there was something wrong with
her CD.
The support operator asked if she had the CD in the CD
drive and Anni answered "Yes".
Support then asked her what kind of computer she had to
which Anni replied, "Oh I don't have a computer...I put
the CD in my CD player and it just makes really weird
noises...listen....!"
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--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Yuck!!!
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.673
">Yuck!!!</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.673
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
An elderly couple sat through a porno movie twice. They didn't get up to
leave until the theater was ready to close for the night. "You folks
must've enjoyed the show," the usher said.
"Disgusting," said the old lady. "It was revolting," her
husband added.
"Then why did you sit through it twice?" the usher asks.
"We had to wait until you turned up the house lights," the old lady
replied. "We couldn't find my panties, and his teeth were in them!"
---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
What do you call a beetle's pet rabbit?
A bug's bunny.
--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------
Who's Going to Hell This Week?
by Helen A. Handbasket
January 21, 2002
What, another week has gone by? My, how time flies when you're engrossed in
self-flagellation. Good help is so hard to find these days.
- Helen -
10. Despite a lucrative catering offer from publishers of "Chicken Soup
for the Terrorist Soul," U.S. prisoners at Guantanamo Bay were fed bagels
and cream cheese for brunch.
9. Enron employees were shredding documents at the company's Houston
offices for a tickertape parade, a former executive said yesterday, who refused
to divulge who the parade was for. Hint: He's a presidential candidate.
8. O.J. says the "real killers" were dining at Windows of the World
on 9/11.
7. Yasser Arafat said Monday he is willing to die a martyr to see the creation
of a Palestinian state. Where is he getting these good ideas? Everyone who
wants to see Yasser Arafat die a martyr to see the creation of a Palestinian
state, raise your hand.
6. Why did the U.S. Army sterilize those missing anthrax spores? What else
explains K-Mart going bankrupt?
5. U2 released an album you can only get at Target Stores on the same day Paula
Poundstone went public with the news she's not a child molester. Coincidence? I
don't think so.
4. Martin Luther King, now reborn as a member of 'N Sync, was not impressed by
the way he was hailed by George Bush in an event at the White House last week.
"I sure didn't vote for him," King said.
3. Peggy Lee is finally discovering that's not all there is in her jungle tent
with malaria on the 4th level of hell. Nobody sings a song called "Fever"
till they're 81 without getting the attention of a certain prince of darkness.
2. "My Sweet Lord." is at the top of the charts again. "I always
liked that song," said Adolph Hitler playing pinochle with George Harrison
at the 7th level of hell. "I don't even care that he stole that chord
change," Hitler chuckled.
And the number one person going to hell this week?
1. What did Patty Hearst say when she met Monica Lewinsky? "I love your
work."
Personal to Andre: You slimy bastard. From now on, I drive.
Personal to George Clooney: What are you doing tonight, sweety? Come over and
help me wash off.
ARITHMETIC FROM HELL
45,000 Palestinian residents of the West Bank under general curfew plus $4.5
billion pledged by international donors to rebuild Afghanistan times everyone
who can pronounce Mount Nyiragongo equals Amazon.com's first-ever net profit of
$5 million times $35.3 million made by "Black Hawk Down" over Martin
Luther King's three-day holiday weekend minus every grain of integrity in the
White House..
WHAT?
Rush Limbaugh can hear again.
PROPOSAL FROM HELL
We've Already Lost the War on Terrorism
Let's Go Home
by Satan
He's killed more of us than we killed of him and he's gotten away. He's won.
Let's bring the boys home. They can do better guarding the country over here.
It's time to leave al Kaeda to the operatives in the spy network, not the
fighting soldier. We're just scaring people. Not that that's a bad thing. But
as an American, I feel it's their duty to be over here scaring Americans.
QUIZ FROM HELL
Last week's quiz from hell was...
a) too hard
b) too soft
c) just right
QUOTES FROM HELL
"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate
cannot drive out hate; only love can do that....The chain reaction of evil-
hate begetting hate, wars producing more wars- must be broken, or we shall be
plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation."
- Martin Luther King -
"I was thinking after Timothy McVeigh, after the Oklahoma City bomb, I was
thinking: No, no Tim, the IRS building, in the middle of the night, nobody
there - that would have been the right move."
- P.J. O'Rourke -
"Prosperity itself is on the ballot this November."
- Al Gore -
"There's too many religions. Somebody's going to hell."
- Redd Foxx -
--
Why go to hell when hell can come to you?
Find out at http://mywebpage.netscape.com/gossipfromhell/