------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour Presents------

<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->

Grab a seat and get ready to roar in laughter...you have reached
the original home of PUREHUMOUR!  In the unlikely event that you
no longer wish to receive the "Best Humour on the Net" then you will
find the unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of every mailing!

Welcome to 2002!  We made it!  ;)  I have a bunch of newbies on
Purehumour...so welcome to all of you...2002 is going to be an
exciting time for Purehumour and the rest of the Purehumour
family...sometime in the near future I hope to be moving the ezines
from Topica to my own list server....I just have to finalize all the
details and run some tests...and then away we will go!

2002 also brings some cosmetic changes to Purehumour...first
you notice the "funky" eyes look instead of the asterixes that
were there last year...and 2002 has brought some new features...
the first of these is unveiled today..."A Dog's World" takes a look
at the world through the eyes of a dog...this is a continuing story..
that will appear in each Tuesday's issue...another new continuing
feature will be unveiled tomorrow and Thursday...the Friday slot
haven't been filled yet...but I hope to have it filled really soon!

Thanks to all of you who sent Season's Greetings over the past
few weeks...it was nice to take a break for the holidays...but now
it is time to get back to the funnies....so onward and upward...enjoy!

Today's issue includes contributions by: Rubin, SunAmy, Stan,
The Posens, Barb.

If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com ">Jokes</a>

-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
Lets start with a quickie:

Did you hear about the new magazine for MARRIED MEN published by
Playboy?

It has the same pictures month after month after month after month after
month...

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Good Clothes...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.8.581 ">Good
Clothes...</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.8.581

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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

Top 10 signs you're grandparents are still sexually active....

10. Pair of edible Depends found on bedroom floor.
9. Lately, at night, they put their teeth in the same glass.
8. Grandpa grabs his crotch and complains loudly of "denture-burn."
7. Granny found cuffed to her walker.
6. Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but also joints.
5. Grandma regularly looks at Grandpa's crotch and claps twice.
4. Your "Grandma" is Anna Nicole Smith.
3. You've just seen granma's photo in the "Beaver Hunt" section
of Hustler.
2. Grandmother starts baking Viagra-chip cookies.
1. Their Kraft-matic adjustable bed is set for "doggy style."

--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------

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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

Six year old Debra was walking her dog when she passed
the temple where she and her family attended services. As
she approached her Rabbi came out the temple door and said,
" Shalom Debra, I see the tooth fairy visited you again."

"Yes Rabbi, and she left me a dollar under my pillow." said the
six year politely. She then said, " Rabbi have you met my dog Porky?"

The old Rabbi chuckled. "I'll bet a nickel I can guess why you call him
Porky."

She shook her head. "I'll bet you can't."

He laughed and said, "You called him Porky because he's so big and fat."

Debra shook her head. "No Rabbi, we call him that because he fucks pigs."

----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL--------------------

Did your year start with a bang?

Check it out:
<a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/">Poll</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/

-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------

"We are often so caught up in our destination
That we forget to appreciate the journey,
Especially the goodness of the people we meet along the way.
Appreciation is a wonderful feeling, don't overlook it."
-Unknown

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Just cut to the cheese...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.8.582 ">Just cut to the
cheese...</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.8.582

--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert
in Israel and came upon a sarcophagus containing
a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator
of a prestigious natural-history museum.

"I've just discovered the 3,000 year-old mummy of
a man who died of heart failure!" the excited
scientist exclaimed.

The curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it
out."

A week later, the amazed curator called the
archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age
and cause of death.  How in the world did you know?"

"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that
said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Coliseum Jigsaw
<a href="http://uGRIN.com/?12-557">Coliseum Jigsaw</a>
http://uGRIN.com/?12-557

--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

"Morris I'm ashamed of the way we live," a young wife said to her lazy
husband who refused to find a job.

"My father pays our rent. My mother buys all of our food. My sister buys
our clothes. My aunt bought us a car. I'm just so ashamed."

Morris the husband rolled over on the couch. "You should be ashamed,"
he agreed. "Those two worthless brothers of yours never give us a cent."

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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

Sam had proposed to young Anni, and was being interviewed
by his prospective father-in-law.

"Do you think you are earning enough to support a family?"
the older man asked Sam the suitor.

"Yes, sir," replied Sam, "I'm sure that I am."

"Think long and carefully now," said Anni's father.
"There are twelve of us...including uncle Izzy"

--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------

When you pass away and people ask me what the cause of
your death was, I'll say your stupidity.

-------------------------DEAR AGGIE--------------------------------

Aggie needs some questions to answer...so please check out
her website or send her questions to:
<a href="mailto:Dear_Aggie@paulsfunhouse.com">Dear Aggie</a>

Dear Aggie:

It's Unsure in MD again....no you didn't....that was me.....just
kidding....oh would LOVE to type more but my man is on the phone....I'll
tell him you said hi...he is subscribed to your e-mailings too

Unsure

]~[

Dear unsure and needs an MD....

Now see here. You get only 3 answers from Aggie per year. Your Quota is used up.
Unless of course, you also send Christmas presents. Which of course you didn't do!

Aggie

NEW...check out Aggie's Webpage at:
<a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/">Dear Aggie</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Let there be light...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.8.588 ">Let there be
light...</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.8.588

--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

Little Johnny was all out of sorts one morning. When his father asked him
what the problem was the kid said, "I'm mad at mommy, cause she eats
birds."

His father said he didn't know what Little Johnny was talking about.

Little Johnny replied, "I was up late last night and heard noises coming
from your bedroom. When I listened at your door, I heard mom
say, 'Should I swallow it or let it fly'!"

--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------

A college senior took his new girlfriend to a football game. The young
couple found seats in the crowded stadium and were watching the action.
A substitute was put into the game, and as he was running onto the field
to take his position, the boy said to his girlfriend, "Take a good look
at that fellow. I expect him to be our best man next year." His
girlfriend snuggled closer to him and said, "That's the strangest way I
ever heard of for a fellow to propose to a girl. Regardless of how you
said it, I accept!"

------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------

Crateman
<a href="http://uGRIN.com/?12-558">Crateman</a>
http://uGRIN.com/?12-558

-------------------------A DOG'S WORLD------------------------

A Dog's World is a continuing story that will appear in each
Tuesday edition...miss a segment?...then check out the
archives at: http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj

The meeting was called and took place behind the barn on the
Merrill's farm. Eleven dogs were present when Rex, a large
Doberman, called the meeting to order.

"Fellow dogs, we have come together because we face our
greatest crisis ever, and the humans are doing nothing about
it."

A mumble went through the dogs. They had all heard the news
reports that a comet was headed for earth in just three
days. Most of their owner's had dismissed the comet as just
people panicking after seeing too many Hollywood movies.

<to be continued next week>

Copyright 2001-02 D. Scott
Check out more at: http://www.humorcorner.com
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

A spiritualist who'd recently been widowed met a
colleague and reported excitedly that she'd just
received a message from her dead husband - asking
her to send him a pack of cigarettes.

"The only thing is," she mused, "that I don't know
where to send them."

"Why not?" asked her friend.

"Well, he didn't actually say that he was in
Heaven - but I can't imagine he'd be in Hell."

"Hm," responded the friend. "Well, maybe I shouldn't
bring this up, but...he didn't mention anything
about including matches in the package, did he?"

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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

All eyes turned to stare as a gorgeous redhead
walked into the costume party stark naked. The
alarmed host rushed to intercept her.

"Where's your costume?" he hissed through
clenched teeth.

"This is it," she calmly explained. "I came as
Adam."

"Adam?" her host exploded. "You don't even have
a dick!"

She replied, "Give me a few minutes."

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Handsome couple...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.8.589 ">Handsome
couple...</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.8.589

-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------

Germans suspect a male Rhinoceros at Berlin Zoo
is infertile - because he's British.

They are disappointed 15-year-old Yohda has not
been able to get his female mate pregnant in three
years of trying.

It's now suspected it may be because he's British
that he's cold when it comes to sex.

"As a native Briton, Yohda seems to know only one
motto for love: No Sex, please, I am British!",
writes the Kurier newspaper.

He was transferred to Berlin Zoo from London to
help with the zoo's breeding programme.

Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report.  If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:news@paulsfunhouse.com ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" mailto:weirdnewsweekly-subscribe@topica.com ">WNW</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

The traveler knocked on the door of the house
where a cabdriver had told him he could be
sexually accommodated. An eye-level panel
slid open and a sexy female voice asked what
he wanted.

"I want to get screwed," said the man.

"OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip
twenty bucks as an initiation fee through the
mail slot," answered the sultry voice.

The man did this, the panel closed, several
minutes passed. Nothing happened.

He began to pound on the door insistently,
and the panel slid open. "Hey," exclaimed
the sport, "I want to get screwed!"

"What?" said the voice, "Again?"

-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------

[||||] ' M A R T S M A R T S -- Reeling from Scrooge like
Christmas sales grosses, K-Mart has hit a five year profit low and,
according to some analysts, is flirting with the bankruptcy court.
(NY Times)

Sales are so slow, the blue light now flashes whenever anyone
buys something.

Copyright 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup

--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

At the retreat, Sam and Anni were told to
individually write a sentence using
the words 'sex' and 'love.'

Anni wrote: 'When two mature people
are passionately and deeply in love with
one another to a high degree and that
they respect each other very much, just
like Sam and I, it is spiritually and
morally acceptable for them to engage
in the act physical sex with one another.'

And Sam wrote: 'I love sex.'

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--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

You've been Naughty...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.8.590 ">You've been
Naughty...</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.8.590

--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

Jack had gone to propose to his girlfriend and
returned home crying bitterly. "What happened,
son?" his father asked, eagerly awaiting her
response. "Did she accept?"

"No, she sure didn't," sobbed Jack. "When I
told her what you advised me to say, she
slapped my face and told me to get out."

"Did you begin by telling her what I told you
to say, what I told your mother when she
accepted my proposal? 'Sweetheart, time stands
still when I look in your eyes.' Did you tell
her that?" asked his father.

"Oh boy, dad, did I got it all wrong," Jack
groaned. "I said, 'My Dear, you have a face
that would stop a clock'!"

---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------

Have you heard about the prostitute with a degree in psychology?

She blows your mind.

--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------

This weeks Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers

Should Auld Acquaintance Be. . . uhhh

I could do the old joke about how my New Year's resolution is to quit
procrastinating tomorrow, but I'm sick of that joke. Or I could do the
joke about how I'm giving up Lent for the New Year. Or I could just jab
myself in the eye. Guess which one I'll find more amusing.

But since we're on the topic of the new year, and I haven't made an
attempt to improve myself lately -- not that I need it -- I thought I
would list some of my New Year's Resolutions for 2002. And I won't do
the joke about forgetting all of these by the end of January.

1. I resolve not to kick people in the butt, except those who truly
deserve it. This list includes, but is not limited to: stupid people,
telemarketers, lawyers who file stupid lawsuits on behalf of stupid
people, dumb people, people who ask "Hot enough for you?",  people who
drive below the speed limit in the left hand lane, morons, 'NSync, and
people who can tell whether I spelled 'NSync wrong or not.

2. I resolve to be a more creative and thoughtful humor writer, and to
not use Dave Barry bodily function humor just to get a cheap laugh.
Bodily function humor cheapens and demeans both the writer AND the
reader. Sure it's a guaranteed laugh, but the true humorist can make
people laugh without resorting to it.

3. Booger, fart, doody.

4. I resolve that whenever I pass through a construction site and see
some hard hat-wearing goober who's holding a "Slow" sign and waving a
line of 87 cars through the only open lane on the road, I will not slam
on the brakes, roll down my window, and ask him whether the sign refers
to my speed or his intellectual capabilities.

5. I resolve to be nicer to everyone, whether they deserve it or not.

6. I resolve to solve the obvious conflict between Resolutions #4 and
#5. But if I'm hard pressed, I will let #4 win out in the end, since
those "Slow" guys are generally morons anyway.

7. I resolve to educate people that Ringo Starr was truly the creative
force behind The Beatles.

8. I resolve to improve my woodworking skills by using the best tools
available to woodworkers, sparing no expense.

9. Since I never have enough money to buy the woodworking tools
mentioned in Resolution #8, I resolve to get free "demonstration models"
from the manufacturers by shamelessly selling out my journalistic
integrity via my humor column.

10. I mean, come on, how stupid do the "Slow" guys think we are that he
has to point for everyone to follow the car in front of them, rather
than driving off the half-completed bridge?

11. Attention Delta Woodworking Marketing Department: Would you guys
like a nice, impartial review of your Model 37-195 jointer? How about a
Model 31-250 18" x 36" drum sander? I mean, otherwise I'll have to
contact those guys over at Jet or something. . .

12. I resolve not to freak out when my oldest daughter takes all the
clothes off her Barbie dolls and sticks them in Barbie's swimming pool
because "all they have are their regular clothes. They don't have any
swimsuits."

13. I resolve not to freak out even more when my oldest daughter decides
that Ken wants to go swimming too.

14. I resolve not to stammer, stutter, get red in the face, or fake a
seizure when my daughter asks why her Barbies have to have their clothes
on, and her Ken doll has been given to the dogs for a toy. Better yet, I
resolve to let my wife answer those questions.

15. I resolve not to give dirty looks to parents whose children whine,
cry, fuss, or generally misbehave in restaurants, supermarkets, or movie
theaters, even though I could easily point out 27 things they've done
wrong in the past 45 minutes. Not that I'm counting or anything.

16. I also resolve to continue to point these children out to my own
children saying, "See that? If you act like that, you'll never get into
a good college. And you'll end up working as a "Slow" guy for the
Mackinac Island Highway Department."

17. I resolve to quit pointing out to people that December 31, 2001 was
actually the end of the first year of the new millennium, and not the
end of the second. Also I will not point out to people that the first
year of our calendar was 1 A.D., and that two millennia later -- 2000
years -- would mean that 2001 was the beginning of the new millennium,
and not the year 2000 as most marketing people would have you believe.

18. I resolve not to ogle the Victoria's Secret catalog or gawk openly
at the Victoria's Secret models I see on TV, no matter how -- wait a
minute! Did I say that? What I MEANT to say  is that I resolve to shower
my wife -- who reads this column every week --  with love, attention,
and affection. And to buy her flowers. For her birthday. I mean Mother's
Day. Oops, I mean Valentine's Day. Heh heh, yeah that's what I meant.

19. Finally, and I mean this most sincerely, I resolve to strive for
world peace, to accept all people, and work to make the world a better
place no matter -- booger, fart, doody.

--

Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.