**<------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour
Presents------>**
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->
Grab a seat and get ready to roar in laughter...you have reached
the original home of PUREHUMOUR! In the unlikely event that you
no longer wish to receive the "Best Humour on the Net" then you will
find the unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of every mailing!
Spring has sprung up here in
snow is finally beginning to melt. This is a wonderful time of year...
especially for mothers of small children who seem to be drawn to
water filled ditches like magnets! Of course when there is a thin
layer of ice over the water filled ditch...the boys just have to test
it to see how strong it is...usually it is just not strong enough...
so they end up plunging into the water and soaking their clothes...
this occurs three or four times per day until the mother finally get
smart and exchanges her boys for girls!
Don't forget to check out the NEW Paulsfunhouse Message Board at:
<a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/wwwboard
">Click</a>
Today's issue includes contributions by: Ishy, Di Ann, Terri, Jamie,
Jerry, Rubin, Carroll, Barb, Pat.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
<**-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------**>
Lets start with a quickie:
The mother of three notoriously unruly youngsters was asked
whether or not she'd have children if she had to do over again.
"Sure," she replied, "but not the same ones."
<**--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------**>
Skimpy, very skimpy...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.436
">Skimpy, very
skimpy...</a>
<**------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------**>
Today's issue is brought to you by:
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<**--------------------------MEGA LINK------------------------------**>
Get off
<a href=" http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/getoff.php
">Click</a>
Hillary and Altogether!
<a href=" http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/hillary.php
">Click</a>
<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>
An old geezer in an old people's home takes a fancy to a woman who is
also staying there. One day he plucks up the courage to go and talk to
her and after a while he says he would like to make love to her. She
agrees that when everybody else goes on a day trip they both stay
behind at the home and get down to it.
The old man goes to the woman's room and asks her how she likes to be
made love to.
She tells him that she loves a man to go down on her and asks him if he would
mind. He says he would love to do that for her and goes for it.
After about 30 seconds he comes back up and says that he is sorry but it
just smells too bad down there.
She thinks for a minute and tells him that it must be the arthritis.
He looks and her confused and states that surely you can't get arthritis down
there and even if you could it wouldn't cause that smell.
She says "No it's the arthritis in my shoulder, I can't wipe my ass
properly!
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<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>
A "LOOSE" GUIDE ON EXERCISING.......
1) It is well documented that for every mile that you jog,
you add one minute to your life. This enables you, at
85 years old, to spend an additional 5 months in a
nursing home at $5,000 per month.
2) My grandmother started walking five miles a day
when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know
where the heck she is.
3) I joined a health club last year, spent about $400.
Have not lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
4) I have to exercise early in the morning before
my brain figures out what I am doing.
5) I figure if God meant us to touch our toes, he would
have put them further up on our body.
6) I have flabby thighs, fortunately my stomach covers them.
7) The advantage of exercising every day is that
you die healthier.
8) If you are going to try cross-country skiing,start with a small country.
<**----------------------WEBSITE TEASER-------------------------**>
Not a teaser...just a really neat way to tell time:
<a href=" http://12.13.171.162/time/time.htm
">Time</a>
* Move your mouse around and watch the clock!
These articles are reproductions of website stories...their
material is used with permission..but may not be reproduced
in whole or in part without the expressed written consent
of the website owner and the editor of Purehumour.
<**-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------**>
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than
you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you
is a maniac." - George Carlin
<**--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------**>
The sexual Olympics
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.437
">The sexual
Olympics</a>
<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>
Two African-Americans meet on the street...one of them is
wearing a brand new three piece suit.
The other turns to him and asks "Why are you wearing such
a fancy suit?"
His buddy replies, "I just got back from the doctor and he told
me that I was impotent, and if I am impotent, then I should look
impotent!"
<**------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------**>
Mouse Invaders
<a href="http://ugrin.com/?12-161">Mouse
Invaders</a>
<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>
A young women visited her eye doctor complaining of failing
eyesight. The doctor sat her in front of a standard eye chart.
Doctor: Can you read the bottom line?
Girl: No
Doctor: Can you read the center line?
Girl: No
Doctor: Can you read the large top line?
Girl: No
Doctor (getting frustrated): Can you even see the chart?
Girl: No
The doctor is clearly frustrated and whips his Johnson out of
his pants.
Doctor: Can you see this?
Girl: Of course!
Doctor: Well, there's your problem -- you're cock-eyed!
<**--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------**>
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<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>
It was a really hot day at the office due to a malfunction
with the air conditioning system. There were about twenty
people in close quarters and everyone was sweating, even
with a fan on.
All of a sudden, people started to wrinkle their noses at an
odor passing through the air. It was the most hideous smell
anyone had ever smelled.
One man, popping his head out of his cubicle said, "Oh, man!
Someone's deodorant isn't working."
An overweight man in the corner replied, "It can't be me.
I'm not wearing any."
<**--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------**>
Boycott Shampoo ! ...Demand REAL poo.
<**--------------------------MEGA LINK------------------------------**>
Hey, you're not Jane!
<a href=" http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/notjane.php
">Click</a>
Adventures of the
<a href=" http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/clintonsand.php
">Click</a>
<**-------------------------YOU SPEAK!-----------------------------**>
Ok, I've kept my mouth shut long enough! I too read with much interest
this article about the deaths of Dale Earnhart and our Soldiers. I have
read more and more about it over the last couple of weeks. To anyone
who is a good American, the deaths of our Soldiers was a very tragic,
sad loss of life. But, to compare the deaths of these great men is
ridiculious.
To all Race Fans, Dale Earnhart came into our homes every weekend, for
30 something weeks a year, for 20 years. Do we know his name?, hell yes
we do! Do we mourn?, yes we do! Did he make millions doing what he
loved? yes he did. He entertained us, kept us on the edge of our seats,
and made sure by his "Intimidating" driving style that we could in no
way ignore or forget him.
But, so did Clint Eastwood, Marlon Brando, John Elway, Dan Marino, Sammy
Sosa, Mark McGuire, etc., etc. The are entertainers, that come into our
homes on a daily bases, we watch them, listen to them, and yes, even
admire them.
Does anyone see the difference here, are is it just me?
Of course, as a good American, the tragic loss of these Great Soldiers
was more important. They lost theirs lives Defending our great FREE
country. Should they have gotten more worthy news time, well yes they
should have! But I, along with most of the rest of the world, don't
control the media.
All these deaths were tragic, and came much to soon. The Families,
Friends, Fans and Admirers mourn the loss of these men tremendously.
They all chose the path in life they wanted to take, and just because
one chose to become a Race Car Driver, get lots of endorsements, make
lots of money, and live a privileged life, shouldn't matter. The
Soldiers chose to defend their country, a most honorable choice, and as
an American, I'm very thankful to them and all the other brave men that
choose this path to keep me safe.
The difference here is, These brave Soldiers weren't on our TV sets
every week, for 30 odd weeks, for 20 odd years. We didn't hear their
names over & over, we didn't see there faces ever, we didn't see them
performing. So no, i couldn't remember their names when asked, i
couldn't tell you the names of the millions of other brave soldiers in
our Armed Services either.
Some people choose to be doctors., some Construction Workers, some food
servers, on & on, these are all good choices and they all serve somehow,
but if one was to get shot tomorrow, would you know their name? People
are killed & die everyday, it might not be serving our Country, but
their deaths are just as tragic for the people who love them and admire
them.
Dale Earnhart entertained us, millions of people knew him or knew of his
name, and that is why there was such a public mourning. It's not that
these men's deaths were any less important.
The man that wrote this article, I can't remember his name now, but if
he came into my home, day after day, via TV, or Live, and i got to know
him, I would! His article was good, to bring to the attention of people
the tragic loss of these Soldiers, but to compare it with Dale Earnhart,
well, I'm sorry, that was just ignorant.
Condemn the media if you must, but don't fault the people that felt a
closeness and kinship with Dale Earnhart, he was a member of their
family!
Thanks for letting me speak.
-Terresa
You speak is a daily feature of Purehumour, It is your chance
to say what is on your mind! Opinions expressed are those of
the contributor and NOT of the editor of Purehumour. To have
your say send your contribution (200 words or less) to:
<a href=" mailto:youspeak@paulsfunhouse.com
">You Speak!</a>
<**--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------**>
Bathbrush for men...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.438
">Bathbrush for
men...</a>
<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>
Every morning for years, at about 11:30, the telephone operator in a
small Sierra-Nevada town received a call from a man asking the exact
time. One day the operator summed up nerve enough to ask him why the
regularity.
"I'm foreman of the local sawmill," he explained. "Every day I
have to
blow the whistle at noon so I call you to get the exact time."
The operator giggled, "That's really funny," she said. "All this
time
we've been setting our clock by your whistle.
<**--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------**>
After twenty years of shaving himself every morning, a man in a small
Southern town decided he had enough. He told his wife that he intended to
let the local barber shave him each day.
He put on his hat and coat and went to the barber shop, which was owned by
the pastor of the town's Baptist Church. The barber's wife, Grace, was
working that day, so she performed the task.
Grace shaved him and sprayed him with lilac water, and said, "That will be
$20."
The man thought the price was a bit high but he paid the bill and went to
work.
The next morning the man looked in the mirror, and his face was as smooth as
it had been when he left the barber shop the day before. Not bad, he
thought. At least I don't need to get a shave every day.
The next morning, the man's face was still smooth. Two weeks later, the man
was still unable to find any trace of whiskers on his face. It was more than
he could take, so he returned to the barber shop.
"I thought $20 was high for a shave", he told the barber's wife,
"but you
must have done a great job. It's been two weeks and my whiskers still
haven't started growing back."
The expression on her face didn't even change, expecting his comment. She
responded, "You were shaved by Grace. Once shaved, always shaved."
<**------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------**>
Zrythm
<a href=" http://ugrin.com/?12-43
">Zyrthm</a>
<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>
The General went out to the barracks and found that none
of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.
"Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran
a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but
it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped
dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."
The General was very skeptical about this explanation but
at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later,
eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting. He asked
them why they were late.
"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the
bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found
a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles,
and now I'm here."
The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he
let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged
up to the General, panting heavily.
"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus
but missed it, I hailed a cab but..."
"Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down."
"No," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the
road,
it took forever to get around them."
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<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>
President Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he
tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were
fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered
the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland."
George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One".
The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."
George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them"!
The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in
TV and stereo headset!!"
Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look
like you are handicapped."
The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved you
from drowning!"
<**--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------**>
Roasted Chuck...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.439
">Roasted
Chuck...</a>
<**-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------**>
(23 January 2001, Pennsylvania) Every home needs a handyman for
those essential home remodeling tasks. But not every homeowner
knows how to get the job done, so professionals are sometimes
called in to help. Enter William, 25, whose employer sent him
to the home of a Bethlehem man to help renovate the basement.
William was using a portable miter saw that requires quite a bit
of concentration. When our hero's attention slipped, so did the
saw, which sliced off his hand at the wrist. As if losing a limb
weren't bad enough, the injured man proceeded to shoot himself
in the head a dozen times with a pneumatic nail gun in an attempt
to end his misery.
The homeowner ventured downstairs to check on the remodeling,
but found the basement empty. He was about to leave when his dog
discovered William cowering in the corner, nails protruding from
his scalp.
The owner of the company arrived at the scene, located the missing
limb, wrapped it in a clean plastic sandwich bag, and sent it with
William to the hospital. At least a dozen 1-1/2 inch nails were
removed from William's head at St. Luke's Hospital in Fountain
Hill, and the severed hand was reattached.
<From The Darwin Awards: http://www.darwinawards.com>
Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:news@paulsfunhouse.com
">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" mailto:weirdnewsweekly-subscribe@topica.com
">WNW</a>
<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>
It was the first day of the school year, and an elementary teacher was
trying to get to know her students.
"What did you do this summer?" the teacher asked Suzie.
"Me and my family went to the beach a lot," Suzie answered.
"That sounds like fun," said the teacher. "How about you, Emma?
What
did you do this summer?"
"Me and my family rode our bikes together."
"That sounds lovely," said the teacher. She continued with all her
pupils until she got to Little Johnny in the corner of the room.
"What did you do this summer, Little Johnny?"
"Nothing," Little Johnny responded timidly.
"Did you do anything with your family?" the teacher asked, to try to
draw Little Johnny out.
"Yes."
"Did you go to the beach?"
"No."
"Did you ride bikes?"
"No, never!" Little Johnny burst out. "We can never ride bikes
together!"
"Why not?" said the shocked teacher.
"I don't know," explained Little Johnny, "but Daddy always says
that
when Mommy and sis' start "cycling" together, it's time to get the
hell out of town."
<**-----------------------HUMOUR LINK-----------------------------**>
Did you save for retirement?
<a href=" http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/savere.php ">Click</a>
<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>
<This is a season that I could really go for!>
1300.01 GENERAL CANADIAN ATTORNEY SEASON AND BAG LIMITS
1. Any person with a valid Canadian hunting license may harvest attorneys.
2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of
currency as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally
struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine,
helicopter, or aircraft.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance",
or "free Perrier"
for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW
dealerships.
7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes,
or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms,
law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to
hunt, trap, or possess it.
10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a federal health department
inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.
11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug
dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax
accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
BAG LIMITS
1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder 2
2. Two-faced Tort Feasor 1
3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator 4
4. Small-breasted Ball Buster (Female only) 3
5. Big-mouthed Pub Gut 2
6. Honest Attorney EXTINCT
7. Cut-throat 2
8. Back-stabbing Whiner 2
9. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser 2
10. Silver-tongued Drug Defender $100 BOUNTY
11. Hairy-butt Civil Libertarian 7
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<**--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------**>
That's the spot...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.440
">That's the
spot...</a>
<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read
her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes
off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was
alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she
spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time
ago."
"Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while
ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's
getting better at it, isn't he?"
<**---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------**>
Jerry walks into a bar with a frog on his head.
The bartender asks, "Where did you get that?"
The frog says, "Would you believe it started out as a small wart on my
ass?"
<**--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------**>
Sadaam Caught Between Iraq and A Hard Place
Poor old Sadaam has been getting a hard time recently, hasn't he? Personally, I
think it's because George W. Bush either
(a) finds it very hard to pronounce Iraq (obvious Texan solution: destroy the
place).
(b) is maddened by possible pronunciations of Shi'ite.
(c) wants to finish what his Daddy started.
Of course, it was Dubya's Daddy who started the whole crusade against Sadaam.
To understand the complex problems and issues surrounding the whole Iraqi
'problem,' we would have to read large books, which would take time and effort
and would be ineffective when coupled with beer and peanuts which is how this
writer likes his literature. So, instead - grab your beer and peanuts - we'll
take a trip back in time to Baghdad, 1990, to a CNN broadcast.
Reporter: And as you can see, there goes another American rocket, slamming into
an arms depot. (chanting) USA, USA, USA.
Anchor: (via satellite) Is that the rubble of a children's hospital beside you,
Tom?
Reporter: Yes. They were housing syringes.
Anchor: Not to mention possible future Iraqi dictators and despots, of course.
(chanting) USA, USA, USA.
The reason that the US started bombing Iraq - back in 1990 - is quite simple;
James Baker said so. Also, Sadaam invading Kuwait was an important factor.
According to the media and the American Government, Sadaam invaded Kuwait for
their oil. I personally don't agree. If you have ever seen Iraqis, you'll know
that they have very greasy hair. If Sadaam wanted more oil, he would only have
had to scrape the heads of ten to twelve nearby army officers.
And ever since the Gulf War, America has been on Iraq's back. There have been
various attempts on the life of Mr. Hussein, who was recently fitted with a
bulletproof moustache. None of them succeeded, as a crack team of bodyguards
who smoke PCP - the reason why they would willingly take a bullet in their
crotch to protect their President - surrounds Mr. Hussein.
Then there are the sanctions which were imposed on Iraq after the Gulf War. We
have all seen the pictures of the Iraqi children dying in their hospital beds
due to lack of medicine. This is propaganda from bleeding-heart left-wingers,
of course, as medicines are not banned under the sanctions. Personally (and
this is only an opinion, so put away that machete now, Sadaam, there's a nice
guy), I think Sadaam is taking all the drugs himself. My suspicions were raised
when I saw, in a report so confidential that it is prominently displayed on the
UN website, what sort of drugs were being imported into Iraq. In the last month
alone, their main imports were;
1. 200 tonnes of Regaine (being harassed by NATO is the primary cause of hair
loss among evil dictators).
2. 50 cubic litres of Just For Men, Bullet-Proof Moustache Range.
It is obvious to me (I know it's not an opinion anymore, but it'll be a nice
one if you just stop waving that goddamn machete around) that Sadaam is using
all those drugs himself. You may say that Just For Men, Moustache Range is not
a drug - you have evidently never seen the consequences of intravenous use, and
the thousands of Just For Men addicts on the streets of London.
Anyway, no medicines seem to be getting to the hospitals, unless the kids are
using them incorrectly (grotesque and totally unnecessary example: using a nail
gun to insert suppositories), which doesn't seem plausible. These are Iraqi
kids. They have nuclear weapons. They are not stupid. Unless the grease in
their hair is seeping into their skulls and attacking the lining of their
brains (case study: Robert Shapiro).
I alluded briefly to Iraq having nuclear weapons in that last paragraph. Don't
bother re-reading it, I'm sure you'll agree it was bad enough the first time.
They also have lots of chemical and bacteriological weapons, though none are
quite as powerful as back-to-back episodes of Oprah. In the mid 90s, the UN
sent teams of big, hairy inspectors into Iraq to root out and destroy these
chemical and bacteriological weapons. Surprisingly enough, Sadaam didn't want
to cooperate:
Inspector No. 1: We want complete freedom to root out and destroy all your
supplies of nuclear, atomic and bacteriological weapons. Every last one of
them.
Sadaam: (frowning) Rendering me absolutely defenceless against external
aggression of any kind?
Inspector No. 2: (giggling hysterically) That's right. You wouldn't even be
able to ward off an invasion of Oprah audience members!!!!
Sadaam: Errrrrr...........No.
So, when that approach didn't quite work, to the surprise of many, including
this writer, they resorted to Plan B - bombing. Bombing has always been a
favourite with American governments, as it would be a great pity to let those
$5,000,000 warheads go to waste. And so, they've been doing it ever since, to
little avail, since Sadaam is still there, siphoning off supplies of Regaine
and Just For Men and threatening young writers with his large machete.
Personally, though I'm hardly an expert on towelhead politics, I think they
should target Sadaam and his buddies where it hurts, where all of their
aggression comes from. We must cut off the source of their testosterone. I know
it's disgusting, but we must strike now and destroy Sadaam's machete factories.
Or cut out his gonads, if that's more convenient.
Ӧnbsp; 2001, Paul
Daly
Your article length submissions are welcome...send your
humourous submissions of between 300 and 500 words to:
<a href=" mailto:editorial@paulsfunhouse.com
">Editorials</a>
Editorial comments expressed here are copyright the writer and
may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the expressed
written consent of the writer and also the editor of Purehumour.