**<------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour
Presents------>**
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->
Grab a seat and get ready to roar in laughter...you have reached
the original home of PUREHUMOUR! In the unlikely event that you
no longer wish to receive the "Best Humour on the Net" then you will
find the unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of every mailing!
A sad goodbye to Edward Winter who passed away at the age of 63 on
probably not one that you would recognize...but you would certainly
remember the character Colonel Flagg from M*A*S*H. He had also
appeared in "A Change of Seasons," "The Buddy System,"
"From the
Hip," and "Porky's 2."
ANNOUNCING: A new section on my website for YOU to comment...
I have just opened up a message board and I invite you to visit often
and read and reply to the comments. The site is located at:
<a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/wwwboard/
">Board</a>
Today's issue includes contributions by: Keli, Ishy, Di Ann, Carroll,
Rubin, Jennifer, Terri, Jamie, Tammy.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
<**-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------**>
Lets start with a quickie:
Why are chickens so ugly?
You'd be ugly too, if you had a pecker hanging out of
your face.
<**--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------**>
Skimpy, very skimpy...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.436
">Skimpy, very
skimpy...</a>
<**------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------**>
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<**--------------------------MEGA LINK------------------------------**>
Signs that lead TO LOVIN'!
<a href=" http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/sign.html ">Click</a>
Men have a ONE-TRACK mind!
<a href=" http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/male.html
">Click</a>
<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>
Anni and Sam go camping for the first time.
There they are, sitting by the cracking fire, and
Anni says to Sam, "I think I shall go take off
my bra since no one is around."
Sam says, "Why sure honey, go right ahead."
So Anni disappears into the tent, and returning a
few moments later, she poses in front of the fire...
"How do I look?"
"Wonderful!" says Sam... "took all the wrinkles out of
your face!"
<**--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------**>
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">Mousepad</a>
<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>
<A classic!>
Tammy is having a bad day at the roulette tables in 'Vegas.
She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims,
"What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"
A man standing next to Tammy, trying to calm her down, suggests,
"I don't know... why don't you play your age?"
He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great
commotion at the roulette table. Thinking Maybe she'd won, he
rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd.
Tammy is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator
kneeling over her.
The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"
The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29,
and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!"
<**-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------**>
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
~Eleanor Roosevelt~
<**--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------**>
The sexual olympics
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.437
">The sexual
olympics</a>
<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>
Two young starlets are discussing the auditions they have just had
with the movie producer.
"Did he give you a good part?" asks one.
"No, he did not!" replies the other. "Why he made me such a
ridiculous
offer, I just laughed right in his balls!"
<**------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------**>
Be Nice....
<a href="http://ugrin.com/?12-192">Be
Nice...</a>
<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>
A door-to-door salesmen knocks on a neighborhood door.
A little boy answers the door and the salesman says, " Hi little
fellow, is your mother home ?"
"Yes said the lad, she's out in the backyard screwing our goat."
" No," says the salesman, " I don't belive you."
The boy says, " Come see for yourself."
So the salesman takes a look in the backyard, and sure enough,
there was the mom bent over with a large goat screwing her
from behind.
The salesman said to the boy, "isn't your mom afraid she'll get
pregnant?"
The boy says, " N-a-a-a-a-a-"
<**--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------**>
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<a href=" http://www.oska.com/teecee.pht?id=638771
">TeeCee!</a>
<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>
<This is specifically for my Canadian friends of Ukrainian origin...modelled
after the famous "I am Canadian" ads run by Molson's....the community
that
I live in is mainly a Ukrainian community and we have all had a few laughs
over this lately!>
Hello, I am not a Bohunk, or Ruskie... and I
don't live in Old Country. My ancestors immigrated to Preeceville and no I
do not live, nor have I ever lived in Wancouver.
I speak Ukrainian, not Russian or Polish
We celebrate Christmas 14 days after most Catholics, and New Years is not
the 1st of January.
I eat Cabbage Rolls and Borscht, not Caviar and Pate.
Wodka is drunk straight-up, not with orange or sawen.
And yes I do know Olga and Valter from Yorkton, and I guess they are nice
peoples, cause we go to church Sundays and after we go have a lunch.
I say CHI-KI, CHI-KI, not hold-on or please wait.
There is a difference between Perogies and Dumplings.
It is pronounced Baba and Gedo, not Grandma and Grandpa.
And METRO IS TRULY A PROUD AND NOBLE
MUSICIAN.
WE ARE THE FIRST PAINTERS OF EASTER EGGS!
THE BEST POLKA DANCERS!
AND THE ONLY PEOPLE TO PROUDLY SERVE GARLIC AS ITS OWN FOOD GROUP.
MY NAME IS OLGA, AND I AM UKRAINIAN!
<**--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------**>
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
<**--------------------------MEGA LINK------------------------------**>
That's RIGHT, WOMAN!
<a href=" http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/woman.html
">Click</a>
4-EROTIC Zones for men and Women:
<a href=" http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/zones.html
">Click</a>
<**-------------------------YOU SPEAK!-----------------------------**>
<In response to the article last week about the death of Dale Earnhardt
and also the deaths of the soldiers in the helicopter accident...here are
some of your comments>
On 18 February 2001, while racing for fame and fortune, ... Dale Earnhardt
died driving for fame and glory at the Daytona 500. The nation mourns.
Seven soldiers died training to protect our freedom. No one can remember
their names and most don't even remember the incident.
The rest of the story:
The victims were identified as Maj. Robert L. Olson of Minnesota; Chief
Warrant Officer George P. Perry and Chief Warrant Officer Gregory I.
Montgomery, both of California; Sgt. Thomas E. Barber of Champlin, Minn.;
Specialist Bob D. MacDonald of Alta Loma, Calif.; and Specialist Rafael
Olvera-Rodriguez of El Paso.
-Cav working in Saudi Arabia
I read the article from it's author and thought about it too. I think the
thing here is to remember all these people were human beings and with their
deaths, lives were lost that were important to someone is some way.
Each of us has our thoughts as to what is important. This point was brought
home to me on Monday as I was watching the news coverage of the school
killings. Just as they were about to tell something, the news was
interrupted with the breaking news of our VP being admitted to the hospital.
To me this was not as important but I am only one person, and I was thinking
of the child who might someday be VP who was killed or a victim.
To wrap it up.....we need to mourn every human life that is lost. All are
important.
Think of the Japanese families who lost someone due to our submarine. How
would WE have reacted? Nuf said!
-Lala
Men and Women all over go to train for Wars.They put their lives on the
line just about everyday to keep Us FREE. A racecar driver does it to
entertain and the thrill.They also do it for the roar of the Crowds.Both
sides know the risks,but racecar drivers have an choice.One makes a lot
of fame and glory,the other only some.Can people guess which Ones? One
makes tons of money,the other enough to pass on. Again which one? One
dies on an BattleField,another on a racetrack.Which is worse? Most have
families,so which should get more coverage? I don`t want to take
anything away from either one,but who do you think cares more? People
PLEASE think about all of this and SPEAK OUT for our Military Men and
Women. Stop giving them a Raw Deal!
-Concerned Air Force Mom
You speak is a daily feature of Purehumour, It is your chance
to say what is on your mind! Opinions expressed are those of
the contributor and NOT of the editor of Purehumour. To have
your say send your contribution (200 words or less) to:
<a href=" mailto:youspeak@paulsfunhouse.com
">You Speak!</a>
<**--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------**>
Bathbrush for men...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.438
">Bathbrush for
men...</a>
<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>
"Johnny," the teacher started, "do you know what 'paranoia'
means?"
"It's not a word, teach, it's several words," Johnny replied.
"Whatever do you mean by that?"
"It's like when you go into a restaurant and a well endowed
waitress with a low cut uniform reaches in front of you and
says, 'does my paranoia'?"
<**--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------**>
The other day, I went to the local disco, and I showed the
doorman my driver's license and one of the wheels off my
car.
He asked what the wheel was for.
I said, "The guy on the radio said you were checking ID's and a
tire."
<**------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------**>
Buzz Words
<a href="http://ugrin.com/?12-154">Buzz
Words</a>
<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>
Rejected "Motel 6" Slogans
* Because you deserve better than the back seat of some car.
* As seen on COPS.
* If we'd known you were staying all night, we'd have changed the sheets.
* Not just for one nighters anymore.
* We left off the 9, but you know it's there.
* You rented the room, now buy the video.
* Sure, you could stay someplace nicer, but then you wouldn't have
money left over for the hooker.
* We'll leave the Lysol out for ya.
* Hey, we're not the Ritz, but just try bringing your secretary
there on your salary, pal.
* We don't make the adultery. We make the adultery BETTER.
* It's Hookerriffic.
* Official lodging of the 1998 Florida Marlins.
* Blurring the line between stains and avant garde sheet art since 1962.
* Cheap and easy -- just like your sister.
* We put the Ho in Hotel.
<**--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------**>
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<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>
In the beginning there was void, and you couldn't find
a decent beer anywhere.
Then god spake forth and said, "I wanna cookie!" And
chocolate chip cookies appeared, god tasted them and
they were chewy and good.
Then god looked forth for someone to tell how good the
cookies were, but there was void, so god created a
place, and called it "here." And then god caused to
appear a man, right here, and called him "You."
Then god spake, "Hey You, try one of these cookies,
they're great!" Then You partook of the cookies, and
raved as to the goodness thereof.
Then You looked for someone else to tell about the
wondrous cookies of chocolate chip, but there was no
one but him and god, and god already knew of them.
Them You spake unto god, beseeching, "Who can I tell
about these great cookies?" And god created woman, and
called her "Wowza," for her form was exceedingly fair
to look upon.
You then spake unto her and said, "Wowza, you gotta
try one of these cookies!" Wowza partook of the cookies,
and said "They're Ok." Then hid herself from You and
god, and ate the entire box of cookies.
Then god waxed wroth and spake, "You! Where are my
cookies?" and You turned and cried, "Wowza! She bogied
the whole box!"
And god sent forth a curse of cellulite and smote Wowza
on the hips, causing You to look upon her and go "Yuck!"
Then Satan, He of rice cakes and Iceberg lettuce, did
appear and sent to Wowza a divorce lawyer to comfort
her in her grief.
And thus did Here become a place of bedevilment and
god quoth, "Next time, I'll send out for pizza, and
not tell anyone, including You!"
<**--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------**>
Roasted Chuck...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.439
">Roasted
Chuck...</a>
<**-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------**>
LOS ANGELES (Launch) - A teen-ager suspected of robbing a bank in Pittsburgh
was arrested after fellow students spotted him on an MTV dance show. Police
say the 19-year-old appeared in the audience of "Direct Effect" after
being
identified as a suspect in a bank robbery by fellow students at his school.
The students later spotted him on MTV and alerted police. "A couple of
students came forward and said they'd seen him on campus," Police chief
Michael Reed said. "He was dumb enough to make us look pretty good."
Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:news@paulsfunhouse.com
">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" mailto:weirdnewsweekly-subscribe@topica.com
">WNW</a>
<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>
Ed was shopping the other day and wound up face to face with
this drop dead gorgeous woman. He couldn't help but just stare at
her, so much so that his mouth dropped open and he was drooling.
The woman caught him staring and suspected he wasn't just admiring
her outfit. She said, "Are you often troubled by indecent thoughts?"
Ed replied, "No, ma'am. Actually, to be honest, I rather enjoy them."
<**-----------------------HUMOUR LINK-----------------------------**>
FAMOUS BALLS!
<a href=" http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/balls.html
">Click</a>
<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>
"Seen my new secretary?" asked the businessman. "Yeah," his
buddy
replied," she's gorgeous." "Well, she's a Robot, the latest
model from
Japan."
"Jeez, that's amazing! What can she do?"
"If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her
right tit, she types 185 wpm for you. And when you screw her it
feels better than the real thing."
"Sounds perfect."
"l almost hurt once, though."
"How?"
"Well," he grimaced, "let's just say I didn't know her ass was
a pencil sharpener."
<**--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------**>
EXTRA! EXTRA! Because you're a Purehumour Family
Subscriber, we're giving you a special Thank you!
You can get your favorite magazines for the first
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<a href=" http://www.1freeplace.com/pure/synapse.htm ">Click
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<**--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------**>
That's the spot...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.440
">That's the
spot...</a>
<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>
Greg and Keli are in the bedroom one night and they have just finished
making love.
"Honey, did you enjoy the fun we just had?", Greg asks.
"Yes, of course, Dear." Keli replies. "Didn't you hear me
laughing?"
<**---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------**>
A French guest, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room
service for some pepper.
"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.
"Toilette pepper!"
<**--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------**>
HOW TO BE HAPPY
By Matt Farr
At the airport bookstore, there are only about a dozen
freestanding shelves of books. It's Darwinian selection at
its most brutal: only the most popular authors, the newest
novels, and the most recognizable classics survive. You
won't find the lesser known works of Oscar Wilde or Voltaire
or even Hemingway -- there isn't space for them. Jane Austen
makes only the briefest appearance, and Edgar Allen Poe
shows his face only at Halloween. There are no collections
of poetry beyond Dr. Seuss.
There is, however, a whole rack of self help books.
Americans are obsessed with making ourselves better.
Smarter. Thinner. You can buy books to improve your
vocabulary. You can devour a stack of books that will teach
you to work more efficiently, more ruthlessly, and claw your
way to the top -- and then you can read books on how to stop
and smell the roses and enjoy your life more fully. There
are even books that will teach you how to organize your
closets.
All of these things dance around the essential truth: we
want to be happy. We want to be loved. We want to find
meaning in our lives and feel that our contributions make a
difference.
So as a public service, here is the Rusty Brain Guide: How
To Be Happy.
1. Eat more cookies. Abstaining from a single cookie isn't
going to make you look svelte and toned. Go on, eat some
cookies. I recommend the double chocolate ones with
chocolate chips inside.
2. Sing. In your car. In elevators. At the mall, especially
at Crate & Barrel and Pottery Barn. Sing in hospital
corridors. Before important client meetings. When people
give you that patronizing look, wink at 'em.
3. Make Popsicles.
4. Stay home on the weekend and disconnect your phone.
5. Bring a plastic straw to a fancy restaurant. Make loud
gurgling sounds when you get to the bottom as you attempt to
drink every last molecule of diet Coke.
6. Order the stuff on the menu that you've never heard of --
like Gkaeng Cheud Bplah Meuk Yad Sai (Stuffed Squid Soup
with Napa Cabbage or Squash).
7. Talk to strangers.
8. Collect something weird that isn't expensive but is
relatively hard-to-find.
9. Wear odd hats in public places.
10. Amass a jar of coins. Bury them in your back yard. Draw
a treasure map and give it to a friend.
11. Walk to the park near your house. Do some somersaults.
When was the last time you did a somersault, anyway?
12. Eat pickles out of the jar.
13. Build a Web site and write your own Rusty Brain column
(Matt only).
14. Spend a day by yourself. Leave your cell phone at home.
Wander the streets, muttering to yourself and occasionally
disagreeing with what you've just muttered.
15. Buy a puppy. Name it Charo.
16. Get your teeth capped. Move to Hollywood. Become a star.
(Isn't that what you've been dreaming about anyway?)
17. Wear thong panties under your habit (nuns only).
18. Throw a surprise birthday party for a friend. Invite
lots of people. Make sure that your friend's actual birthday
is nowhere near the date of the party.
19. Belch in public. Then sigh contently.
20. Suntan naked on a public beach. Adopt a European accent
for the day to explain your complete lack of modesty.
21. Quit your worthless job and dedicate your life to the
study of the Moroccan flute.
22. Fly a kite.
23. Stop wasting your life with the Moroccan flute and get a
real job.
24. Volunteer at your library, or church, or your local soup
kitchen, or Habitat for Humanity. Wear clothes so ratty that
you are often mistaken for one of the "needy."
25. Use the word "Jonesing" as often as possible. As in,
"Man, I'm Jonesin' for some homemade Popsicles." Studies
have shown this will make you happy.
26. Join a bowling league. Buy a large red bowling ball.
Name it "Gorbachev."
27. Drive to the nearest national forest. Hike a mile with a
backpack full of cold fried chicken and biscuits. Find a
clearing where you will not meet a single human and have a
picnic.
28. Stare at the clouds for a full afternoon and dream.
29. Think about the things you love to do. Now go do those
things more often.
30. Meet someone, fall in love, live happily ever after.
=======================================
Matt Farr is an advertising writer who lives in Denver,
Colorado with two cats and one pregnant wife. Matt bathes
daily and often wears deodorant. Matt is known for his
unique nine-finger typing method, which he teaches in his
online course "How To Type Slowly And Make Frequent Errors."
Matt's beard is 100 percent bug-free. In his spare time,
Matt enjoys beer and cookies. More funny stuff by Matt can
be found at his Web site: http://www.rustybrain.com
========================================
Your article length submissions are welcome...send your
humourous submissions of between 300 and 500 words to:
<a href=" mailto:editorial@paulsfunhouse.com
">Editorials</a>
Editorial comments expressed here are copyright the writer and
may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the expressed
written consent of the writer and also the editor of Purehumour.