**<------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour
Presents------>**
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->
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<open rant>
Our teens are at it again...a 14 year old CHILD has taken the life of
two students at a school in California and injured 13 others! Witnesses
say he smiled through the incident and reports are now stating that his
motive was that he was called names and picked on! Well I was called
names and picked on in school too...but never resorted to violence to
handle the taunts! Usually if you ignored them...they would just go
away! But that is not the way that it is handled these days...NO...we
immediately resort to violence! What is the cause of this degradation
of society to the point where children pick up guns and shoot their
fellow classmates? Is this TV and movies that have made us so
uncaring about another's life because we see random acts of violence
in almost every program on TV and in most movies too? Or is there
another cause for it? As a parent of 1 teenager and 2 pre-teens (all
boys)...I wonder about this a lot...and wonder what the future holds...
when will it happen here? Hopefully NEVER! But I am sure that the
families of the most recent victims didn't think it would happen there
either! As you send your kids off to school in the morning...take
another look at them...it may be the last time you see them alive...
BUT it also may prevent them from acting in haste...IF you see
something out of the ordinary! You just may catch that spark in
their eyes...that warns you of something about to occur! Lets
begin to take control of our kids again...this is an all too frequent
incident and it is time to stop it NOW!
<close rant>
Today's issue includes contributions by: Carroll, Di Ann, Aimee, Rubin,
Mary Ann, SunAmy, Jamie, Barbara.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
<**-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------**>
Lets start with a quickie:
How do you brainwash a blonde?
Give her a douche and shake her upside down.
<**--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------**>
A real BIG one!
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.416 ">A
real BIG
one!</a>
<**------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------**>
Today's issue is brought to you by:
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<**--------------------------MEGA LINK------------------------------**>
Kermit the Frog and Mrs. Piggy on the Honeymoon!
<a href=" http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/frogmeat.php
">Click</a>
What's your favorite part? Leg, ThighHEAD?
<a href=" http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/chickenleg.php
">Click</a>
<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>
You are 100% Texan if...
* It doesn't bother you to use an airport named for a man who died in an
airplane crash.
* You use the phrase "fixin' to" almost daily.
* Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding
date.
* You've ever been excused from school because "the
cows got out."
* You can properly pronounce the town Mexia and Mesquite.
* You can remember the name of the last state
legislator to introduce a bill involving castration and
he didn't mean farm animals.
* You know exactly what calf fries are, and eat them anyway.
* You can recall hot summers by the year they happened easier than you can
remember your mother's birthday.
* You think that people who complain about the wind in their states are
sissies.
* You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by
the distance to the door but by the availability of shade.
* You have owned at least one belt buckle bigger than your fist.
* A bad traffic jam involves two cars staring each other down at a
four-way stop, each determined to be the most polite and let the other one
go first.
* When you hear a tornado siren, you go out and look for a funnel.
* Your "place at the lake" has wheels under it.
* You aren't surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, and bait all in
the same store.
* A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol. A Ford
F350 4x4 is.
* You know that everything goes better with Ranch or Tabasco.
* You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply.
* You know that "y'all" is singular and "all y'all"
is plural.
* You are 100% Texan if you have ever had this conversation: "You wanna
Coke?" "Yeah." "What kind?" "Dr. Pepper."
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<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>
Decker wasn't the brightest guy in the world, and his coworkers were
continually ribbing him at the factory. One in particular, Gus, would
greet him each morning and precipitate this exchange:
"Say, Decker, you seen Ben?"
"Ben, who?"
"Ben' down and kiss my ass!"
Tired of falling for the same joke day after day, Decker confided in
his more worldly brother, who said, "Listen. Next time you see this
guy, ask him if he's seen Eileen. He'll ask, 'Eileen who?' and you
say, 'I lean over and you kiss my butt!'"
Memorizing his lines, Decker went to the work early to wait for Gus.
As soon as the bully arrived, Decker ran over.
"Hey Gus, you seen Eileen?"
"No," Gus answered, "she ran off with Ben."
Decker frowned. "Ben who?"
<**-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------**>
In California, there's a 6-month waiting period for filing
for divorce, but only a 15-day waiting period for buying a
handgun.
It's nice to know the government is giving us advice on how
to work out our problems.
-Unknown
<**--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------**>
New tradition.
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.417
">New
tradition.</a>
<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>
A newlywed husband had to go on a business trip, and hated to leave his
gorgeous, sexy blonde wife alone. The night before he left, he brought
home a vibrator and gave it to her.
"What's this for?" she asked.
"It's for those lonely nights when you miss me," explained her
husband,
winking. "Just think of it as something to take my place when you
get
horny."
A week later, hubby returns home, and finds the vibrator in the garbage.
"Honey," he says, "why did you throw it away? I told you,
you should use
it in my place when I'm gone."
"I did," she said. "But the damned thing rattled my
fillings loose."
<**------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------**>
Be a SuperSpy!
<a href="http://ugrin.com/?12-158">Decoder</a>
<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>
A guy came home from work, "Honey,
where are you?"
"I'm upstairs douching," his wife answered.
"I told you never to talk like that!" he yelled.
"What do you want," she called out, "good
grammar or good taste?"
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<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>
Bill goes to visit his doctor on his birthday, a look of
concern quite evident on his face.
The doctor says, "Hey there Bill. What seems to be the
problem?"
"Well, Doc," Bill replies, "It's a little embarrassing.
You see, when I was 14, my erections were like solid
steel... I couldn't bend them down or from side to side."
The doctor nodded.
"When I was 24," Bill continued, "I found I could bend
my erections down just a bit."
The doctor nodded.
"When I was 34, I found I could bend them a couple of
inches down, and at least an inch to either side."
The doctor nodded once again.
Bill went on, "And now that I'm 44, I find that I can
bend my erections almost all the way down and side
to side. So, Doc, I'm really worried, and I have just
one question to ask you."
"And what would that be, Bill?" replied the doctor.
"Doc," Bill asked, "Just how much stronger am I gonna get?"
<**--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------**>
A psychologist is someone who watches everyone else when
a beautiful girl enters the room.
<**--------------------------MEGA LINK------------------------------**>
Aren't All Politicians like this?
<a href=" http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/ahole.php
">Click</a>
We will Remove your Balls!
<a href=" http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/ballsremove.php
">Click</a>
<**-------------------------YOU SPEAK!-----------------------------**>
<This has made the rounds...but I am open to comments on it!>
On 18 February 2001, while racing for fame and fortune, Dale Earnhardt
died in the last lap of the Daytona 500. It was surely a tragedy for his
family, friends and fans. He was 49 years old with grown children, one,
which was in the race. I am new to the NASCAR culture so much of what I
know has come from the newspaper and TV. He was a winner and earned
everything he had. This included more than "$41 million in winnings
and
ten times that from endorsements and souvenir sales".
He had a beautiful home and a private jet. He drove the most
sophisticated
cars allowed and every part was inspected and replaced as soon as there
was any evidence of wear. This is normally fully funded by the car and
team
sponsors. Today, there is no TV station that does not constantly remind
us
of his tragic end and the radio already has a song of tribute to this
winning driver. Nothing should be taken away from this man,
he was a professional and the best in his profession. He was in a very
dangerous business but the rewards were great.
Two weeks ago seven U.S. Army soldiers died in a training accident when two
UH-60 Blackhawk helicopters collided during night maneuvers in Hawaii.
The soldiers were all in their twenties, pilots, crewchiefs and infantrymen.
Most of them lived in sub-standard housing. If you add their actual duty
hours (in the field, deployed) they probably earn something close to minimum
wage. The aircraft they were in were between 15 and 20 years old.
Many times parts were not available to keep them in good shape due to funding.
They were involved in the extremely dangerous business of flying in the Kuhuku
mountains at night. It only gets worse when the weather moves in as it
did that night. Most times no one is there with a yellow or red flag to
slow things down when it gets critical. Their children are mostly
toddlers who will lose all memory of who "Daddy" was as they grow
up. They died training to defend our freedom.
I take nothing away from Dale Earnhardt but ask you to perform this simple
test. Ask any of your friends if they know who was the NASCAR driver
killed on 18 February 2001. Then ask them if they can name One of the
seven soldiers who died in Hawaii two weeks ago.
On 18 February 2001, Dale Earnhardt died driving for fame and glory at
the
Daytona 500. The nation mourns. Seven soldiers died training to
protect
our freedom. No one can remember their names and most don't even
remember the incident or that it even happened.
You speak is a daily feature of Purehumour, It is your chance
to say what is on your mind! Opinions expressed are those of
the contributor and NOT of the editor of Purehumour. To have
your say send your contribution (200 words or less) to:
<a href=" mailto:youspeak@paulsfunhouse.com
">You Speak!</a>
<**--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------**>
Don't Sleep with them...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.418
">Don't Sleep
with them...</a>
<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>
After a day of grueling maneuvers under the blazing Texas sun, the platoon
stood in front of the barracks. "All right, ladies, think about
this,"
bellowed the drill instructor. "If you could have ten minutes alone, right
now, with anyone in the world, who would it be?"
Amid much mumbling, one voice was heard from the back row. "My
recruiter."
<**--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------**>
Over near England is a very little island, called the Isle of Man,
and a very peculiar thing about the people, on this island is, that they
don't believe in automobiles, and the climate is such that they can't keep
horses so they all have a donkey or what is commonly called an ass.
Some have just ordinary asses that you wouldn't look at twice, others have
extraordinary asses. The mayor has an ass that nobody looks at twice,
but his wife has a beautiful ass. People who really know asses say
that she has one of the finest asses that they have ever seen. Men often
stop her on the way to the market to pat her ass. On Sunday they all go to
church on their asses. Sometimes the girls ride the boys asses and
sometimes the boys ride the girls asses. Now of this particular Sunday
the preacher had to leave immediately following the sermon so he
thought he better have it handy, so he tied his ass just outside the window.
During the service a fire broke our and everyone ran to save his ass.
The preacher jumped out of the window expecting to land on his ass,
but there was a big hole and he fell into it. Which goes to show that
even a preacher doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground.
<**------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------**>
Unsatisfying Manual Analog Entertainment
<a href="http://ugrin.com/?12-67
">Unsatisfying Manual Analog Entertainment </a>
<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>
A cat and a horse are walking through the forest. Suddenly the cat
slips into a pit of quicksand. "Help me Ed!", says the cat,
"Quick, run home, get the Corvette, cruise back here tie a rope to the
back and throw It in so you can pull me out."
"No way.", exclaimed the horse, "There isn't enough time. I'll
back
up, get a running start, jump over the pit while my dick drags in the
quicksand. You can grab it and I'll pull you out."
"That'll never work!", said the cat.
"Well dude, you're sinking fast, you don't have much of a choice."
"OK, dude, go for it."
The horse backed up and ran toward the pit. At the last second, he
jumped and let his dick drag in the quicksand. As it passed the cat,
the cat grabbed it and, miraculously, was pulled out of the quicksand.
The moral of this story?
If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Corvette to get a little
pussy.
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<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>
This hails back to the late '80s, when I was a computer
operator on a Unisys mainframe. Our Field Engineer told
me about an incident that had happened to him a couple
of years before that.
He was doing preventive maintenance on a high-speed band
printer and was doing the alignment test print, which
basically just prints a page full of "H"s, since that
was the best letter to see if the rows and columns were
lined up properly.
The lady in charge of the office came by and asked why
he was using all "H"s. He decided to have some fun with
her, so he told her that they use that letter because
they are the least used letter of the alphabet, so there's
always plenty of "H"s in the printer that they can use.
She said, "OK," and walked away.
About a half hour later, she came back with a stack of
print in her hand. She had gone through the printouts
and circled every "H". She said, "We seem to use a lot
of 'H's here, are you sure we'll have enough left?"
Without missing a beat, the tech answered, "It's ok, I've
got a box of them in my car. I'll refill it before I leave."
When he finished working on the printer, he went out to
his car, grabbed an empty paper box he had, brought it
in and pretended to dump it inside the printer. Then he
closed the printer and told her that she should have plenty of "H"s
now. She thanked him, and he left!
<**--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------**>
A small one??
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.419 ">A
small
one??</a>
<**-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------**>
Attleboro, Massachusetts police arrested a 55 year-old
black man, keeping him in jail for two nights,
having him pay a $135 fine, and getting him placed on
probation.
So, what's the problem?
They were supposed to be looking for a WHITE man named
James M. Parker who was 30 YEARS OLD (they had a sketch)
but instead found themselves a 55 YEAR OLD BLACK man
named James E. Parker and this, apparently, was close
enough. Parker says they wouldn't listen when he tried
telling them they had the wrong man.
Boston Globe 23-Feb-01
http://www.boston.com/dailyglobe2/054/metro/Apology_vowed_in_wrongful_arrest-.shtml
Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:news@paulsfunhouse.com
">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
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">WNW</a>
<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>
Secretary: "Pastor, we've got a problem in the computer lab where you
met with the confirmation class last week. Some of the boys in the
class started messing with the mouse."
Pastor: "What?!?" (thinking: we've got mice in there!?)
Secretary: "Yeah, it seems some of the boys removed their balls."
Pastor (incredulously...): "Th..th...they did what??? How in the world
did they do that???"
Secretary: "They must have used a screwdriver or something."
Pastor: "We've got some pretty sick boys... I... I... didn't even
realize mice had balls...!"
Secretary: "Yeah, they roll around on 'em all the time!"
Pastor: "What???" (still thinking of the little fury real animals)
"Well...what can *we* do?"
Secretary: "I guess we'll have to put 'em back on..."
Pastor: "WHAT?!?"
Secretary: "Hmmm....Pastor, are we talking about the same thing?!"
<**-----------------------HUMOUR LINK-----------------------------**>
See how she can hold this beer!
<a href=" http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/beernipples.php
">Click</a>
<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>
Lawyer: Tell us about the fight.
Witness: I didn't see no fight.
Lawyer: Well, tell us what you did see.
Witness: I went to a dance at the Turner house, and as the men
swung around and changed partners, they would slap each other,
and one fellow hit harder than the other one liked, and so the other
one hit back and somebody pulled a knife and someone else drew a
pistol and another guy came up with a rifle that had been hidden under
a bed, and the air was filled with yelling and gun smoke and bullets.
Lawyer: You, too were shot in the fracas?
Witness: No sir, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
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<**--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------**>
Would you mind?
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.420
">Would you
mind?</a>
<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>
From time to time I speak with pharmaceutical sales
reps who come into my office. The other day a Pfizer
rep told me of a drug that her company has under
development. This drug sounds so promising that I want
to suggest to my friends that they consider buying
stock in the company. The drug is called "Ginkgo
Viagra", and its function is to help you remember what
the fuck you're doing.
<**---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------**>
What two words will clear out a men's restroom?
"Nice Dick!"
<**--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------**>
AUSTRALIAN JUNK COLLECTORS FIND DUMPED SPACE STATION
A group of startled volunteers discovered a 143-tonne space station behind
a clump blackberries at the outback town of Upper Minington during Clean-Up
Australia Day on Sunday.
"Buggered if we know where it came from," the local mayor, George
Woffle,
said yesterday when asked if he believed it was actually aging Russian
space station Mir which is due to crash back to earth any day now.
"That thought crossed my mind, too, so I rang up the Russian space agency
to ask if they knew where Mir had got to. I spoke to some bloke called
Sergei, who didn't speak much English. I said 'g'day', which is an
Australian abbreviation for 'good day', and all he said 'nyet', which I
think is an Russian abbreviation for 'no, thanks for ringing, but Mir
hasn't re-entered the atmosphere yet.'"
Hundreds of thousands of Australians across the country participated in
Clean Up Australia Day, which has grown to massive proportions since it
started in 1989.
Australia is one of the biggest producers of waste in the world, second
perhaps only to the United States.
As usual, plastic - plastic shopping bags, plastic drink bottles and
plastic straws - topped the list of junk collected from land and waterways.
But there was also a huge pile of paper, cigarette butts, glass and metal
drink cans.
Some of the big ticket items including dozens of rusting car wrecks left
abandoned in light bushland.
The space station found at Upper Minington, however, was the only piece of
space junk reported.
"We have a real problem on our hands now," Mr Woffle said. "What
the hell
are we going to do with it? Have you seen how big it is?
"In the spirit of Clean Up Australia Day, I guess we could try to recycle
it.
"But the problem is only going to come back to bite us on the bum next
year
in the form of a few million softdrink cans to pick up.
"We could advertise it for sale in the local newspaper - "as is,
where is"
- but I don't know who'd want to buy it. It might make a reasonable chook
shed, I suppose, but it needs a bit of work. You should see the dunny! I
don't know what self-respecting hen is going to lay double-yokers next to a
piece of graffitti that says: 'Boris shat here.'"
Official sources close to Russian space agency were emphatic yesterday that
the space station found at Upper Minington did not belong to them.
Mir is being returned to earth after 15 years' of service in space.
Its core module was launched on February 20, 1986. It has been upgraded
with five more segments and is said to be not worth upgrading again.
The Russian sources said the remnants of the derelict Mir were not expected
to crash into the south Pacific Ocean, about 5400km east of Australia,
until between Saturday and March 15.
Ninety per cent of the space station are expected to burn on re-entry into
Earth's atmosphere - leaving perhaps four pieces, weighing up to 700kg and
as big as a small car - for people to duck in case the estimates are wrong
and they land in populated areas.
"It's a frightening thought, eh?" Mr Woffle said. "They say the
odds a
pretty slight that a bit would actually fall on your head, but you never
know, do you? The one in the blackberry bushes here must have come from
somewhere, so I suppose it could happen again."
Mr Woffle was among six men who found the space station. They were wearing
gumboots and rubber gloves while they combed an overgrown paddock just off
High Street when they made they discovery.
Mr Woffle recounted the mix of excitement and bewilderment as the men
converged on the find.
"Someone said: 'What the bloody hell is it?'
"'Dunno,' said someone else. 'Is it an old F.J. Holden?"
"I'm old enough to remember F.J. cars so I was able to dispel that as I
brushed away some of the prickles. 'Nah, look," I told them, "the
front
grill is different from the F.J. ... and there's some funny type of writing
on the side. It definitely doesn't say Holden."
So, what is the mayor's theory now as to the origins of the space station?
"Buggered if I know," he said.
"I just hope that aliens haven't landed, dumped their ship and are
infiltrating our little community.
"The Australian Government takes a very dim view of illegal immigrants,
and
I will use every resource at my disposal as mayor to help round them up and
send them to the Port Hedland Detention Centre. Er ... though it might have
to wait until Clean Up Australia Day next year because I've only actually
got one member of staff, Madge, and she's 82, part-time and complains that
she has too much to do already, what with book-keeping and collecting all
the municipal rubbish bins every Tuesday.
"I guess we all just have to be vigilant.
"For instance, if someone called Boris knocks on your door and asks to use
your dunny, I would urge you to be very, very careful."
2001 John Martin. All Rights Reserved
Down Under, But Not Out
=========================================================
John Martin is an Australian journalist and humour writer. He has just
started The unAustralian spoof news site at
http://johnmartin.actweb.net/news.html
==========================================================
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