**<------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour
Presents------>**
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->
Grab a seat and get ready to roar in laughter...you have reached
the original home of PUREHUMOUR! In the unlikely event that you
no longer wish to receive the "Best Humour on the Net" then you will
find the unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of every mailing!
IT'S FRIDAY! Warm weather has hit our area...yesterday we hit about
+3C and today it could get up to +5C...snow is melting...birds are singing
and I am in THAT mood....I love spring! ;)
My new website is up and running...and all seems to move smoothly...now
that it is ready...I am going to get the contest restarted...I have to reset
some
of the pages....and make some cosmetic changes...so I will probably restart
it late next week...watch for an announcement! I also want to get my
toons
page going again...it needs to be rebuilt and I have a ton of toons to put up
there!
Today's issue includes contributions by: Bean, Ishy, SunAmy, Anni, Pat,
Chris, Carroll, Barb.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
<**-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------**>
Lets start with a quickie:
What does
A Quarter Pounder with Cheese!
<**--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------**>
Heart NOT Fart...
<a href=" http://www.e4joy.com/cgi-bin/ezines/goodstuff.cgi?l=386&d=3&o=161
">Toon of the day</a>
<**------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------**>
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<**--------------------------MEGA LINK------------------------------**>
Microsoft Sucks!
<a href=" http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/microsoft.html
">Click</a>
Millenium Problems?
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">Click</a>
<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>
An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess named
Anni. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city.
Upon their arrival the captain showed Anni the best place for airline personnel
to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he
noticed Anni was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and
called her up wondering what happened to her.
Anni answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room.
"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why
not?"
Anni replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed,
"one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that
says
'Do Not Disturb'!"
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<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>
Although he was a qualified meteorologist,
a terrible record of forecasting for the TV news program. He
became something of a local joke when a newspaper began
keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been
wrong almost three hundred times in a single year.
That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired.
He moved to another part of the country and applied for a
similar job. One blank on the job application called for the
reason for leaving his previous position.
<**-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------**>
A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
-Oscar Wilde
<**--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------**>
Pretty humps...
<a href=" http://www.e4joy.com/cgi-bin/ezines/goodstuff.cgi?l=386&d=3&o=162
">Toon of the day</a>
<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>
The following is an actual clip from a 1950's Home Economics textbook
intended for high school girls, teaching them how to prepare for
married life, and become good wives . . .
Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a
delicious meal - on time. This is a way of letting him know that you
have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most
men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are
part of the warm welcome needed.
Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when
he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair, and be
fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a
little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a
lift.
Clear away the clutter: Make one last trip through the main part of the
house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books,
toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband
will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, it will give you a
lift too.
Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands
and faces (if they are small), comb their hair, and if necessary,
change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to
see them playing the part.
Minimize all noise: At the time of his arrival eliminate all noise of
the washer, dryer, dishwasher, and vacuum. Try to encourage the
children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile
and be glad to see him.
Some don't's: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't
complain if he's late for dinner. Count this a minor compared with what
he might have gone through that day at work.
Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or
suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for
him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in low,
soft, soothing and pleasant voices. Allow him to relax - unwind.
Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment
of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.
Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to
dinner or other places of entertainment. In stead, try to understand
his world of strain and pressure, and his need to be home and relax.
The goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order, where your
husband can renew himself in body and spirit.
<**------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------**>
Blonde Game:
<a href=" http://ugrin.com/?12-17
">Blonde</a>
<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>
The widow lay crying on her psychiatrist's couch. "We were married
twenty-five years before he died," she said, dabbing away a tear.
"Never had
an argument in all those years."
"Amazing," said the doctor. "How did you do it?"
"I outweighed him by forty pounds and he was a coward."
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<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>
Guy hangs out in a cocktail lounge waiting for his lucky night. After
several nights he notices a guy with a more assertive approach. Many
women walk away after his overtures, but many saunter off with him on their
arms. One quiet night the Don Juan isn't doing that good, so our shy
friend buys him a drink. "Say, man, what's the secret?".
Don Juan explains "most women don't like to muck around, so cut the crap,
if what they want is what you want, then it's simple".
"Oh?" says Mr Shy. "It's like this" says Don Juan,
"pretty girl sits close, you say 'tickle your arse with a feather', it
usually works but if not, you cough and say 'sorry, I said it's particularly
nasty weather'". "Well thank you" says Mr Shy buying his
new friend another drink.
Invigorated, Mr Shy takes his first shot: and stuffs it up. Turning to
the most curvaceous blonde God put on Earth, he says "Stick a feather up
your arse", the blonde is of course incensed. "Yeah, I know"
replies our friend, "it's pissing down like bastard outside".
<**--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------**>
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick
in the butt.
<**--------------------------MEGA LINK------------------------------**>
Do you miss YOUR EX?
<a href=" http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/missex.html
">Click</a>
Mixed up Bunny!
<a href=" http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/mixedbunny.html
">Click</a>
<**-------------------------YOU SPEAK!-----------------------------**>
<I have NOT been able to confirm this....so if anyone has more info...
I'd love to see a copy of an article!>
How appalling is this? I heard on the news today that the Medical
Examiner's Office, in Florida wants to release Dale Earnhardt's autopsy photos
to the press. What a terrible thing that would be! Theresa Earnhardt is
fighting, to keep them from doing it. I say "You go,
girl!" It was truly a terrible tragedy, to lose such a
successful racing hero. But, it would be a huge, horrible tragedy to
release those photos, to be seen by the public, his friends, and his family! No
one needs to see pictures of his lifeless body!! It insults my
intelligence, and my feelings, that the Medical Examiner in Florida could even
think that we possibly need to see this. Are there actually people out
there who dispute the fact that he perished in that accident? We all need
to remember the glimmer in his eyes, and the looks of steel. The
"stone cold" face of concentration, and that "watch me,
now" grin. The thrill of victory, and the agony of defeat. We need
to remember him the way we all saw him.....as The Intimidator, a true legend!
-Stacy
You speak is a daily feature of Purehumour, It is your chance
to say what is on your mind! Opinions expressed are those of
the contributor and NOT of the editor of Purehumour. To have
your say send your contribution (200 words or less) to:
<a href=" mailto:youspeak@paulsfunhouse.com
">You Speak!</a>
<**--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------**>
Evening Prayer...
<a href=" http://www.e4joy.com/cgi-bin/ezines/goodstuff.cgi?l=386&d=3&o=163
">Toon of the day</a>
<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>
So this Arse (Israeli Guido) is out picking up chicks in Tel Aviv.While at his
favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather Nordic looking blonde
woman. So they're back at his place, and sure enough, they go at it.
Proud of his rugged background and years in the IDF, he forces himself to last
as long as possible. He climaxes loudly. Then he rolls over, lights
up a cigarette and asks her, "So ... you finish?" After a
slight pause she replies, "No." Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts
out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, and has his way with her again,
this time lasting even longer than the last ... and this time completing
the deed with even louder shouts. Again he rolls over, lit a cigarette,
and asks, "So ... you finish?" And again, after a short pause,
she simply says "No."
Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride, he once again puts
out the cigarette, and mounts his companion du jour.
This time, with all the strength he could muster up, he barely manages to end
the task, but he does, after quite some time and energy is spent. Barely
able to roll over, he reaches for his cigarette ... lights it again, and
then asks, "So ... you finish?" To which her pleasured reply
is, "No. I'm Swedish."
<**--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------**>
One afternoon, a little girl was out taking a walk with her grandmother Alice,
when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk.
"What are they doing, Grandma Alice?" asked the little girl.
The grandmother was really embarrassed, so she said, "The dog on top has
hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor."
"They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?"
asked the little one.
"How do you mean?" asked Grandma Alice.
"Offer someone a helping hand," said the little girl, "and
they'll screw you every time!"
<**------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------**>
Mouse Invaders
<a href="http://ugrin.com/?12-161">Mouse
Invaders</a>
<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>
If Microsoft was Jewish
1. Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, your PC
would get "Ferklempt."
2. When you fill up your "C-drive", you will get a "Hard Drive
is
Shtupped" message.
3. Hanukkah screen savers will have "Flying Dreidels."
4. CD-ROM's would be rendered obsolete with the invention of high
compression DVB's (digital video bagels).
5. Your "Start" button would be replaced with a "Let's go! I'm
not
getting any younger!" button.
6. "Abort, Retry, Ignore" would be replaced with "Stop it
already.
You're killing me! You vant I should try it again? I didn't hear
that!"
7. When disconnecting external devices from the back of your PC, you
would be instructed to "Remove the cable from your PC's tuchis."
8. Your multimedia player would be renamed to "Nu, so play my music
already!"
9. During Passover, your PC would not be able to read leavened
floppies."
10. "Microsoft Word" would be renamed to "Microsoft
Kibbitz."
11. Microsoft Office would include "A little byte of this, and a
little byte of that."
12. When running "scandisk", you will be prompted with a "You
vant I
should fix this?" message.
13. When your PC is working too hard, you would occasionally hear a
loud "Oy!!!"
14. A "monitor cleaning solution" from Manischewitz would advertise
that
it gets rid of the "schmutz" on your monitor.
15. After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC would go "Schloffen."
16. Computer viruses would now be cured with chicken soup.
17. Solitaire would be replaced with on-line "Bingo"or "Mah-Jong."
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Gimme some FREE newsletters!</a>
<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>
A burglar broke into the house of a Quaker in the middle of
the night and started to rob it. The Quaker heard the noise
and went downstairs with his shotgun.
When he found the burglar he pointed his gun at him and said
gently, "Friend, I mean thee no harm, but thou standest where
I am about to shoot!"
<**--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------**>
Shake it up!!
<a href=" http://www.e4joy.com/cgi-bin/ezines/goodstuff.cgi?l=386&d=3&o=164
">Toon of the day</a>
<**-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------**>
There was a man arrested in New Jersey for public indecency. The police
caught him jogging in the nude. It was just a routine arrest, except for
one little thing. The man apparently had been evading capture for a long
time. No one understood why the police hadn't captured the nude jogger
before?
The police said that from a distance it looked like he was wearing
jogging shorts, but the closer they got to him the police noticed the
strangest thing. The man had used paint to paint on jogging shorts to
his body. The closer they got to the man they could see one body part
that was not fully painted, the paint could not hide it!
Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:news@paulsfunhouse.com
">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" mailto:weirdnewsweekly-subscribe@topica.com
">WNW</a>
<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>
A young man goes into a singles bar with a roll of quarters taped inside the
crotch of his jeans. checking the scene over, he sits by the most
attractive woman at the bar. After a time, with smug satisfaction he
noticed she was constantly glancing down at his crotch. "Hi,
there. I'm Steve," he said, launching into his come-on routine,
"and I help produce a TV quiz show.
Is there anything else you would like to know?" "As a matter of fact
there is," she replied, glancing down at his embellished crotch. "Do
you have change for a dollar?"
<**-----------------------HUMOUR LINK-----------------------------**>
Hey, It's Never Too Late
<a href=" http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/nevertoolate.html
">Click</a>
<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>
A Doctor recently had a patient "drop" in on him for an unscheduled
appointment. "What can I do for you today?" the Doctor
asked. The aged Gentleman replied: "Doctor, you must help me.
Every time I make love to my wife, my eyes get all bleary, my legs go weak, I
can hardly catch my breath.... Doctor, I'm scarred!" The Doctor,
looking at his 86 year old patient, said: "Mr. Smith, these
sensations tend to happen over time, especially to a man of your advanced
years, but tell me, when did you first notice these symptoms?" The old
gent's response was: "Well... three times last night, and twice
again this morning!
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<**--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------**>
Just fill her up...
<a href=" http://www.e4joy.com/cgi-bin/ezines/goodstuff.cgi?l=386&d=3&o=165
">Toon of the day</a>
<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>
One day a man went to England on a trip and met a woman there, they grew to
like each other enough for her to come to America with the man on his flight
home. When they got back to America The man said 'I would like to show
you an American pastime.' And the woman said 'What is it?' 'Baseball' The man
said. So the next day The man took her to a baseball game.
The first man came up to the plate and hit the ball to right field and got to
first base, the next man bunted the ball and got to first base and the third
man came up to the plate and he gets walked. The man says 'Are you
understanding this game?' The woman says, 'yes, but what I don't understand is
why the thrower hurls the ball at the first man and he hits it. Then he
hurls the ball at the second man and he taps it and runs to where the other man
was standing And then the third man, this is the part I don't understand, the
thrower hurls the ball and he just stand there - 4 times, and then he just walks
to the place where the other man was standing.'
Then the man says 'Well that is because he has four balls' the woman then says
'Poor thing he couldn't run if he tried.'
<**---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------**>
What did Hannibal do after he ate two supermodels?
Starved to death!
<**--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------**>
I Told You It Was Bad For You!
For years and years, I have been an avid anti-smoker, despite my
enthusiastic enjoyment of a good cigar every so often. And by every so
often, I mean whenever I am sitting near some whiny twit who is upset
that someone is smoking in the Smoking Section.
I have never liked the smell of cigarettes, and have often pointed out
the health risks that they pose. I shouted "Told you so!" when
cigarette
companies finally admitted they had been lying all along about the risks
of smoking, and had purposely hidden the truth from us. I am overjoyed
whenever a cigarette company loses yet another court case, because I
think they deserve what they get for purposely making a product that is
addictive and harmful, yet spent millions of dollars telling everyone
they didn't. However, I do believe that people have a right to their own
smoking habits, and would never deny anyone that.
And before anyone says that cigar smoking is bad for me, I would like to
point out that I smoke special cigars that don't have any health risks.
I also eat special chocolate and pizza that actually help me lose
weight, I sit on a special couch that just burns the calories right off,
and I have all the charm and personal magnetism of Pierce Brosnan.
Actually that's not true. It's more of a chair than a couch.
However, despite my own personal habits, I still think that cigarettes
are very bad for people. And not just from long-term health risks
either. Nowadays, these things can outright kill you, and I can prove
it.
This past Wednesday, in Brisbane, Australia, a man nearly killed himself
when he made the not-too-surprising discovery that one should not smoke
while dispensing gasoline. According to a Reuters news story, the man --
who was drunk at the time (didn't see that coming, did you?) -- was
filling a gasoline can when he lit a cigarette. The cigarette then
ignited the gasoline in the can -- no surprise there -- and the
resulting explosion set the man's car on fire and blew him 15 feet
through the air, where he landed on a nest of angry ants.
The thundering moron, whose name was luckily not released by police,
only suffered minor burns to his legs, and some ant bites. The police
arrested him for drunk driving (or "drink-driving" as they call it
Down
Under), driving without a license. and driving an unregistered vehicle.
A police spokesman told Reuters, "We took a vote and this is one of the
stupidest things we've ever heard of."
See, I told you smoking was bad for you! Not only can smoking cause
explosions and ant bites, it has also been linked to being arrested and
called stupid by the Australian police. Now if that isn't a strong
argument for stopping smoking, I don't know what is.
Still don't believe me?
Take the case of an unnamed German man this past December. It seems that
the man's girlfriend had just left him so he thought he would take his
own life. Luckily for him, he failed. How did he try it? With a gun?
Pills? Driving his car into the Rheine River, or anything else less
damaging? No, our German genius decided that he would end his life by
causing a natural gas explosion. In his apartment. In a building. That
he shared with two other families. Here's how it happened:
The broken-hearted lover went down to the cellar of his building, and
turned on all the gas taps. However, as he waited for the gas to fill
the building, he had second thoughts, and turned the taps all back off
again. As he walked back up the stairs to his apartment, he was, we can
assume, happy with his decision to spare his own life and lit up a
celebratory cigarette.
Apparently the man was so happy with his decision he didn't realize the
odd smell he was smelling was actually the gas that still filled the
apartment building, and the resulting blast destroyed the roof and
several walls. Luckily no one was seriously injured, although German
police said one of the children living in the same building suffered
mild gas poisoning. The man, not too surprisingly, was taken into
custody for further questioning.
Here's the same evidence again: smoking causes an explosion and trouble
with the police. Do I have to spell it out for you people? Smoking is no
longer just a personal problem. Smoking damages personal property, can
blow up buildings, raises taxes in the form of police and jail officer
salaries, as well as court costs and prosecuting attorneys' salaries,
will get you written about in humor columns, and can even cause bites
from angry insects.
For you out there who are thinking of taking up smoking, don't. You can
see what it will do to you. For those of you who do smoke, just remember
each cigarette you light is just a ticking time bomb waiting to go off,
ready to hurl you into the proverbial "mound of angry ants." Trust
me,
the phrase "ants in your pants" is not something you want to
experience.
I realize that many of you may disagree with me, and think that I am
against your right to smoke. That's not true. I'm just concerned about
your health and well-being. No one should ever have to deal with
explosions, irate ants, or being called stupid by a country's police
force. It's not good for your self-esteem. I'm just trying to help you.
With that in mind, join me next week when I'll be discussing the
potential dangers and health risks of long-distance running.
=================================================
Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but by night, he dons a cape
and mask and sits in front of the television watching old Baywatch reruns. He
writes Laughing Stalk, a weekly humor column, that can be found at The
American Reporter (www.americanreporter.com),
and on his own website
(www.kconline.com/deckers).
=================================================
Your article length submissions are welcome...send your
humourous submissions of between 300 and 500 words to:
<a href=" mailto:editorial@paulsfunhouse.com
">Editorials</a>
Editorial comments expressed here are copyright the writer and
may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the expressed
written consent of the writer and also the editor of Purehumour.