**<------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour
Presents------>**
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->
Grab a seat and get ready to roar in laughter...you have reached
the original home of PUREHUMOUR! In the unlikely event that you
no longer wish to receive the "Best Humour on the Net" then you will
find the unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of every mailing!
Who knew??? I hear they moved the Rock and Roll Capital of the
to
a chuckle....Seattle actually got off really lucky...a 6.8 magnitude earth-
quake struck the city yesterday morning and basically caused some
cosmetic damage to city structures...but look on the bright side...you
didn't have to listen to Bill Gates bored you with another speech! Rumour
has it that Gates was set to introduce Windoze 2001 and it crashed!
I have NOT forgotten about the Purehumour Birthday Celebration contest...
I will be announcing the restart of the contest sometime next week...I just
want to make sure that my site is 100% operational before starting again...
the site is running now at http://www.paulsfunhouse.com ... and it seems
to must better and faster than it was!
Today's issue includes contributions by: ERPoteet, Keli, Pat, Chris, Di Ann,
Carroll, SunAmy, Stan, Jamie, Rcastello
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
<**-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------**>
Lets start with a quickie:
What has 6 balls and screws you?
The lottery.
<**--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------**>
Condoms in the Moat...
<a href=" http://www.e4joy.com/cgi-bin/ezines/goodstuff.cgi?l=386&d=3&o=156
">Toon of the day</a>
<**------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------**>
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<**--------------------------MEGA LINK------------------------------**>
Tyson Bites Again!
<a href=" http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/tyson.html
">Click</a>
Is it In Yet?
<a href=" http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/inyet.html ">Click</a>
<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>
How to drive a woman nuts!
1. Call her by the dog's name and then deny it.
2. Answer all her questions with a question, preferably one on a totally
different subject.
3. Super-glue the commode seat in the up position.
4. Shrink her jeans and when she overreacts because she thinks that she's
gaining weight, give her a condescending smile and say that you prefer her
with some meat on her bones.
5. Firmly refuse to ever ask for directions even if you find yourself in
6. Call her by your mother's name and then deny it.
7. Start a conversation with the dog in the middle of one with her.
8. Buy her power tools for Valentine's Day.
9. Never give her a straight answer.
10. Take up yodelling and practice a lot.
11. Quote Tim Allen to validate your position during arguments.
12. Leave the newspaper open to an ad for plastic surgery.
13. Pretend you forgot how to speak English.
14. Answer every question with "Yes, dear." (Use with caution as PMS
is a valid murder defense in many states.)
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<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>
<A Classic!>
Local Priest Father Brendan and his protestant counterpart Vicar Graeme have
been good friends for many years. Every Sunday, after their
respective services on a Sunday they grab a row boat and go fishing. One
day they invite Rabbi Abraham to join them. They've been out a while,
Brendan says "Oh, I need more bait" and runs across the water, grabs
a tin from the shore and runs back. Then Graeme says "oh bother, I
need some different hooks", runs across the water, grabs a bag and runs
back. Fascinated, Abraham says "I forgot my blood pressure
pills". SPLASH! Brendan looks at Graeme and says "do you
think we should show him where the stepping stones are?".
<**-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------**>
A smile will gain you ten more years of life."
-Anonymous
<A good belly laugh will get you strange looks from people!
-Paul Croft>
<**--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------**>
Funny Profile...
<a href=" http://www.e4joy.com/cgi-bin/ezines/goodstuff.cgi?l=386&d=3&o=157
">Toon of the day</a>
<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>
A guy walks into a shrink's office complaining of trouble with women.
The shrinks asks him what he looks for in a woman, and the guy replies,
"Big
tits."
The shrink says, "No, I meant for a serious relationship."
The guy replies, "Oh, seriously big tits."
"No, no, no. I mean what do you look for in the one woman you want to
spend
the rest of your life with?"
The doctor looked kind of worried as the guy just sat there on his couch
laughing... "Spend the rest of my life with one woman? No woman's tits are
that big!"
<**------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------**>
Making Boxes...
<a href="http://ugrin.com/?12-157">Boxes
</a>
<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>
It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over
the intercom:
"Will the students who are parked on University Drive please
move their cars so that we may begin ploughing."
Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will
the twelve hundred students who went to move 26 cars please
return to class."
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<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird
section. Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem". The clerk comes over and
asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere birds in dat
cage op dere," says Gerry, "Put dem in a peeper bag." The clerk
does
and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop.
They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the hills and
stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. "Dis looks loike a grand
place, eh?" says Gerry.
"Oh, yeh, dis looks good," replies Paddy. They flip a coin and
Gerry wins the toss. "I guess I git to go first, eh Paddy?" says
Gerry.
He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders
and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down
for a few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'. As Paddy looks over the edge of
the cliff he shakes his head and says, "Fock dat, dis budgie jumpin' is
too fockin' dangerous for me"
A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and he
walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. He pulls a parrot out of
the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is
carrying a gun.
Hi, Paddy. Watch this," Seamus says and launches himself over the edge
of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and
blows the parrot's head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there
is a SPLAT!, as he joins Gerry's remains at the bottom. Paddy shakes his
head and says, "An' oim never troyin' dat parrotshooting nider"
A few minutes after Seamus splats himself Sean strolls up. He too has
been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper
bag'.
Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches
himself of the cliff with the usual result. Once more Paddy shakes his
head - "Fock me Sean, first der was Gerry wit his budgie jumping, den
Seamus parrot shooting and now you blimmin' hen gliding"
<**--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------**>
My computer DOES save me time at work.
Now I can play solitaire without having to spend
all that time shuffling real cards.
<**--------------------------MEGA LINK------------------------------**>
What are you waiting for?
<a href=" http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/waiting.html
">Click</a>
Barbie's Ken IS GAY!
<a href=" http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/kensbbq.html
">Click</a>
<**-------------------------YOU SPEAK!-----------------------------**>
To ForHim and Lala,
Oh yea, I have changed my share of diapers, cleaned up regurgitated baby food,
and taken the child to the doctor for stitches. Oh, and I slowly, caressingly
remove panties. I give soothing, relaxing, back, leg, foot and chest massages,
just ask my wife, her sister and some special friends. Only shirted backs for
the sister and friends. Oh, and I love romantic walks and weekends.
Sure, I'll donate some DNA so we can make millions. However, any purchasers
will have to meet certain requirements. They must be sexually willing and
sensuous, decent cooks, like my cooking and grilling, willing to watch the NCAA
Basketball Tournament, like Hooter's hot wings, and NOT be nags.
-jim
You speak is a daily feature of Purehumour, It is your chance
to say what is on your mind! Opinions expressed are those of
the contributor and NOT of the editor of Purehumour. To have
your say send your contribution (200 words or less) to:
<a href=" mailto:youspeak@paulsfunhouse.com
">You Speak!</a>
<**--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------**>
He's sure yours...
<a href=" http://www.e4joy.com/cgi-bin/ezines/goodstuff.cgi?l=386&d=3&o=158
">Toon of the day</a>
<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>
A class from a nearby university was visiting a major drug manufacturer.
The tour guide led the students to a glass-enclosed room. They could see
several people in white lab coats. With her back to the glass, the guide
announced: "In this room researchers are actively searching for a cure for
cancer." She stopped short as the group broke out laughing. Puzzled, the
guide turned to look. Through the glass she saw three scientists in animated
debate, flipping through the Yellow Pages.
<**--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------**>
The young lad was struggling out of the small lake, fully clothed and
dripping. A kindly passerby stopped to give him a hand, and then said,
"How did you come to fall in, my boy?"
The boy allowed an expression of contempt to cross his face and said,
"I didn't come to fall in! I came to fish!"
<**------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------**>
Kentucky Reststop
<a href="http://ugrin.com/?12-110">Kentucky
Reststop</a>
<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>
There is a story about a certain bookmaker who was
making a long trip by car when towards nightfall he
happened upon an inn which had a most unusual name,
The Even Steven. Since it was located in the middle
of a desolate stretch of country, and he didn't know
how much farther the next place would be, he decided
to stop there for the night, and satisfy his
curiosity about the name at the same time.
"It's very simple, really," the proprietor explained.
"You see, my name is Steven Even. So I just decided
to turn it around and call this The Even Steven. I
thought if might get a few folks puzzled enough to
stop and ask questions, and sometimes it does."
"That's a pretty smart way to use the luck of a
name," said the bookie appreciatively. "I bet it
brings you a lot of business."
"It hasn't brought me so much luck," he said. "The
folks who stop here don't stay long. There's not
much gaiety around here, as you could see. In fact,
there's not another soul lives closer than thirty
miles away, whichever way you go. Makes it pretty
lonely for me, a widower. And worse still for my
daughters. Three of the loveliest girls you ever
set eyes on, should have their pick of boy friends.
But, they are getting so frustrated they're about
to do anything for a man."
The bookie made sympathetic noises, and listened to
more in the same vein until hunger obliged him to
change the subject to that of food. An excellent
home-cooked dinner was served to him by a gorgeous
blonde who introduced herself as Blanche Even; and
when he was finished she still kept pressing him to
ask for anything else he wanted. Finally, she said,
"Would you like me to sit and talk to you for a
while?"
"Thank you," he said politely, "but I've had a long
day and I feel like closing the book."
He went to his room and had just started to undress
when there was a knock at the door and an absolutely
breath-taking brunette came in. "I'm Carmen Even,"
she said. "I just wanted to see if you'd got
everything you want."
"I think so, thank you," he said pleasantly. "I do a
lot of travelling, so I pack very systematically."
When he had finally convinced her and got rid of her,
he climbed in between the sheets and was preparing to
read himself to sleep over the Racing Form when the
door opened again to admit an utterly gorgeous
redhead in a negligee to end all negligees. "I'm
Ginger Even," she announced. "I wanted to be sure your
bed was comfortable."
It is," he assured her.
"I hope you're not just being tactful," she insisted.
"May I try it myself?"
"If you must," said the bookie primly. "I will get out
while you do it."
When she had gone, he settled down with a sigh of
relief and was about to put out the light at last when
the door burst open once more and the proprietor
himself stomped in, glowing with indignation. "What's
the matter with you," he roared. "I got to listen all
night to my daughters moaning an' wailing, the most
luscious gals in this county, because they all try to
show you hospitality an' you won't give one of 'em a
tumble. Ain't us Evens good enough for you?"
"I'm sorry," said the transient. "But I told you when
I registered I'm a professional bookmaker. ... I only
lay Odds."
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<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>
A STORY -- ABOUT A LOVELY LADY, ON A THREE HOUR
TOUR, A THREE HOUR TOUR
Now, sit right back, and hear a tale. A tale of a fateful trip.
That started from a tropic port, aboard a tiny ship. They were
four men, who lived together, but they were all alone.
They'd sing, "Fish don't fry in the kitchen, beans don't burn
on the grill, took a whole lot of trying', just to get up that hill."
She was bringing up three very lovely girls. All of them had
hair of gold, like their mother. The youngest one in curls.
They got tired of packing and unpacking, town to town, and
up and down the dial.
'Til the one day when the lady met this fellow. And they
knew it was much more than a hunch. He said, "Making your
way in the world today takes everything you've got. Taking a
break from all your worries sure would help a lot."
The guys promised they were good old boys. Never meaning
no harm. They were creepy and kooky. Mysterious and
kooky. All together ooky.
The gals responded, "People say we monkey around. But
we're too busy singing to try to put anybody down."
The skipper, brave and sure, five passengers set sail that
day, for a three hour tour. A three hour tour. The weather
started getting rough. The tiny ship was tossed. They
all sang, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
Sclemeel, schlemazel, hasenfeffer incorporated."
The ship set ground on the shore of this uncharted desert
isle. Land spreading out so far and wide. The lady said,
"Keep Manhattan, just give me that countryside."
Once on land, the lady said, "I've been down this road, walking
down the line that's painted by pride." This fellow said, "This
is it. This is it. This is life, the one you got, so go and have
a ball." He told her, "Who can take a nothing day, and
suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?"
Time passed. Then, one day, as he was shooting at some
food, up through the ground came a bubblin' crude. Oil, that
is. Black gold. Texas tea.
They were rescued. The rescue ship captain said, "Welcome
back. Your dreams were your ticket out. Welcome back.
To that same old place that you laughed about."
Y'all come back now, y'hear?
<**--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------**>
Enlarge that sucker...
<a href=" http://www.e4joy.com/cgi-bin/ezines/goodstuff.cgi?l=386&d=3&o=159
">Toon of the day</a>
<**-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------**>
Jamestown, Calif. - Chuck Barr got a notice recently from the Tuolumne
County Library that he hadn't paid his bill for damages on a book he
had borrowed. The tab was for just under $40 trillion. Yep,
trillion. Roughly seven times the national debt. A little more than
Barr can afford with his retirement checks from the Navy and Lockheed.
"I guess I must have dog-eared one of the pages," Barr joked. The
library notice, dated Jan. 20, didn't include the name of the book
Chuck Barr had harmed. It just said he owed 39949000620214.00. "I
had to put the commas in to figure out how much it was," Barr said.
Then he called the library and learned he didn't owe anything for any
book damage. A computer apparently had decided some book was damaged,
entered its bar code number in the "amount due" space, and kicked out
the fine notice.
Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:news@paulsfunhouse.com
">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" mailto:weirdnewsweekly-subscribe@topica.com
">WNW</a>
<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>
The Catholic Church's air conditioning broke down, so they had to
hire a man to crawl around in the ducts and figure out what was
wrong. As the man peeked down through one of the vents in the
sanctuary, he saw little old Mrs. Murphy kneeling by the altar,
apparently saying her rosary. Since the man was a fundamental
Baptist, he thought it'd be funny to try and mess with the lady's
mind. In his best authoritative voice, he said, "This is Jesus.
Your prayers will be answered."
The little old lady didn't even blink, just kept on saying her
prayers. The man decided maybe she didn't hear him, and tried
again. "This is Jesus, the Son of God! Your prayers will be
answered!"
Again, she didn't react at all. Mustering up a big breath of
air, the man decided to try again. "THIS IS JESUS CHRIST, THE
SON OF GOD! YOUR PRAYERS WILL BE ANSWERED!"
The lady looks up and says, "SHUT UP! I'M TALKING TO YOUR MOTHER!"
<**-----------------------HUMOUR LINK-----------------------------**>
Want to get laid?
<a href=" http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/laid.html
">Click</a>
<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>
A sweet girl of Seventeen is very eager to offer a small
lovely "TRIANGULAR PLOT" for sale which is centrally
located on the slop of the lower area but not observed
or explored by anybody till date. For the last Seventeen
years the plot being tenderly cared and looked after by
the girl herself. The plot is fertile and can bear best
result even in the first planting.
For the last four years the plot was covered with shiny
black curly grass which is very tender to touch. No machine
has yet been used for trimming the grass which has now
covered the whole area.
Another thing which adds beauty of the plot is the
fantastic pond hidden under it. Offer are immediately
invited from young men with firm and energetic capital
which can be put in easily and this must give outflowing
white liquid capital.
The young men should be strong enough to plough in hard
with his own tool.Although initially it will be hard and
a bit difficult to cut open the gate seal. Once the capital
is put in the entrance will not repent and will be delighted
to have ventured into the site.
Since the neighbours are waiting for an opportunity to the
pounce this marvellous plot make haste to be first to enter
into the site.Yet another fact to be disclosed regarding
the site is that the "DOUBLE HILLS" on the top of the said
plot is already captured by the local students. Anyhow,
they are not permitted to go down.
Offer for lease or retail will not be accepted.
NB : ENTRANCE FROM THE BACK GATE STRICTLY PROHIBITED.
<**--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------**>
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<**--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------**>
Horny island...
<a href=" http://www.e4joy.com/cgi-bin/ezines/goodstuff.cgi?l=386&d=3&o=160
">Toon of the day</a>
<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>
One woman at a party was telling her friend that she'd gone off
men for life. "They lie, they cheat, and they're just no good," she
moaned.
"From now on when I want sex, I'm going to use my tried and
tested plastic companion," she said.
"What happens when the batteries run out?" asked her friend.
"That's simple," replied the woman, "I'll just fake an orgasm as
usual!"
<**---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------**>
What's a redneck Fortune Cookie?
A piece of cornbread with a food stamp baked inside.
<**--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------**>
Snow Day
by Doug Simms
The day after the big snowstorm (when you're 10 years old):
Your Mom wakes you up full of news about a big surprise. She
won't tell you what it is; just tells you to look out of the
living room window. You see a winter wonderland - everything
is covered in a deep layer of snow. All of the parked cars
are just mounds of snow.
You eat breakfast full of anticipation, but the good news is
not confirmed yet. You wait for the announcement on the radio,
and soon you hear it - a list of schools that are closed. You
hold your breath, and then there it is! The DJ reads the name
of your school. No school today!
Getting dressed in a sense of breathless wonder, you rush as
you don't want to miss any of the fun. You make sure to put on
all the layers you will need, tucking things in to make yourself
as impervious to the weather as possible. You still argue with
your Mom when she insists you wear a hat, though - after all,
you are a kid.
Breaking new snow in your front yard, you watch as the neighbor-
hood kids arrive out of doors. Some of them join you, and excited
conversations ensue as you decide what to do first. You build a
snowman, then everybody joins forces to build a snowfort. Tunnels
are dug and stockpiles of snowballs are hidden away.
Your Mom calls you. It's lunchtime. You eat hot chicken noodle
soup and egg salad sandwiches. The hot food warms you up inside,
and your Mom makes you switch into different, dry mittens and hat.
After lunch, the snowball wars begin. Offensives are launched,
flags are captured, battles won and lost. Then, overwhelmed by
all of the great stuff to do, the snowforts are abandoned while
you climb things you normally can't climb, helped by gigantic
snowbanks. Then you jump off things you usually can't jump off
of, your fall broken by the deep piles of fluffy whiteness.
Eventually it gets dark, and you reluctantly go inside. After
supper you find you are tired, but in a good way, and cosy. Your
Mom watches the weather report and Yay! more snow is forecast for
tonight!
***
The day after the big snowstorm (when you're 39 years old):
Your alarm goes off; something', wrong with the light outside.
You look out the window and curse, shaking your fist at the
clouds. All of the parked cars are just mounds of snow. You
brush snow off a car for ten minutes before realizing it's
your neighbor's car. You brush off your own car, and then it
won't start. You brush snow off the engine block and the car
starts. You scrape ice off your car windows. You shovel a path
out of your parking spot. Then you reshovel after the plow goes
by and blocks the path you just shoveled, with even heavier snow.
Driving at last, you slip and slide onto the highway. Everyone
is driving way slower than necessary, and you can't pass because
there is too much snow in the passing lane. What is normally a
twenty minute drive takes an hour and a half today. Everybody at
work is grumpy, and people gripe at each other all day. Driving
home is only marginally better. Stupid snowplows.
At home, you watch the weather report. More snow is forecast for
tonight. You wish you were dead.
===============================================
Read Doug Simms' classic humor story,
Lost By My Dog In the Woods:
http://www.themestream.com/articles/82309.html
===============================================
Your article length submissions are welcome...send your
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